I’ve been called arrogant all my life.
I don’t think I’ve ever woken up in the world unsure of who I was or why I was here. I’ve been graced with a strong sense of self and a clear identity. It’s given me confidence.
Me and my friendship group are peaking physically at the moment. I know I look great. I’ve lost weight, I’ve got my style back and I’m feeling on top of the world – so why is it programmed into me that it’s not ladylike to shout it from the rooftops?
I don’t see myself as arrogant, even when I’m gabbing on about my “brilliance”. I don’t understand why society makes women feel we have to dumb down our wins and that you’re a tw*t for believing in yourself.
I prefer to be matter of fact and don’t adhere to shame about feeling ok about myself. It’s not that I don’t feel awful at time; I feel everything intensely – but when I am confident about something it’s a dead cert people will be aware.
The ADHD brain doesn’t allow for much filtering. It’s an impulse disorder meaning you have little control over what you think and how it comes out. I say what I think when I think it, so if I’m feeling myself, you’re gonna know. People think I’m cocksure and inappropriate because of this, but everything I say feels logical at the time.
Take my knowledge of food and cooking. I’ve trained and come top of my class at a prestigious catering school, worked in restaurants across London and around the world with some of the best chefs, owned restaurants, written six books, and ghost-written several more for your favourite chefs. I’ve won awards and maintained several long-term, revered columns.
I feel like a computer of all knowledge on food. I said this once and it started a backlash as to how up myself I was, but I can’t see it like that. It’s the truth to me.
You may think it’s cocky and I may sound like a know-it-all, but honestly – why can’t I celebrate this?
Friends have joked with me that it’s not what people do, but I know that if I’m at the stage where I’m singing my own praises, I deserve it. I can’t understand why it would be inappropriate. It’s all very practical to me. Why can’t we all back ourselves?
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Apparently because it’s not humble, but humble bores me and I don’t buy it. I’m tired of the insincerity around it. I don’t trust the humble brag – that weird dance where someone downplays their achievement while making sure you know about it.
My self-belief has been instrumental in forging a career I’m incredibly proud of. My sense of self has allowed me to see my own value. One great thing I got out of working with men in kitchens is that men hold themselves to a different standard and it’s rubbed off on me.
I said in an interview once that I hated my body but loved my face, and half the opinions were that I was fat-shaming while the other half couldn’t believe I would be so nice about myself. It showed me that women can’t win.
I have my mother to thank for my unwavering self-belief. She was an incredibly inspiring woman. She worked three jobs to keep our family afloat and would regularly tell all three of her daughters they could do whatever they set their minds to, so long as they cared and made it authentic. It became a mantra and I know these words are one of the biggest privileges I’ve ever received.
Learning how to be socially confident is one of life’s biggest unsung skills. When we went out to lunch, she would tell us we were “ambassadors for the family” and how we behaved would determine how the rest of the world would see us. We were very socialised children. This made us adults who are interested in others and able to hold real conversations and – dare I say it – we all came out charming!
Then there is trauma. I’ve had plenty: my parents splitting up, being abandoned by my father, my father then dying when I was a young teen, sexual assault, very hard drugs – all before I was 18. Almost every bit of conventional psychotherapy would suggest that trauma tends to hold people back, but I have a different view. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” and all that.
I saw a lot of things a young girl shouldn’t and it’s given me strong instincts about what’s real and what isn’t. It’s made me able to ask for things that make other people uncomfortable. I will not make myself small for anyone.
People who believe in themselves are too often called narcissists. I question myself about this regularly. I’m in a creative industry where I’m told I’m great all the time, and look at this – one of my jobs, this one in fact, is to talk about myself and how I see the world.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m too culpable and too inclined to take responsibility for my actions to be a true narcissist. I also think it’s wild that any woman who is self-confident must question herself about whether she is a narcissist.
This isn’t just about me. It’s true for most women. We’re conditioned to minimise our achievements, to deflect compliments, to make ourselves smaller so others feel comfortable. The number of brilliant women I’ve watched downplay their expertise or apologise before sharing an opinion is staggering. And yet when men declare their abilities, it’s seen as leadership.
I really want to see more women big themselves up for their successes. The fabric of British society makes this very hard as it was built to oppress us, but give it a go – tell your friends when you’re proud of yourself, tell them when you know you look good, even go as far as to believe it yourself. Support other women when they do the same instead of cutting them down. Let’s normalise women celebrating themselves.
You never know – it may change the energy you live in and create a new sassier path. For all of us.
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