Ever since Tinder announced last week that they’re rolling out a new height filter on their app, the complicated issue of men and height has become a big (ha ha) conversation all over again.
It’s hard to have a sensible discussion about dating preferences and height, especially online, because it makes a certain type of man so incredibly angry. Inevitably it results in men using anonymous accounts to call for weight filters for women in reciprocation. And while I abhor the discourse which pits women against men and vilifies women for having dating preferences, I do think we probably need to acknowledge that the current socially accepted wisdom around dating and height is teetering on toxic.
According to a study from the University of Groningen, where they looked at data from 5,782 speed-daters, women look to date men an average of 9.8ins (25cm) taller than themselves. While this means preferred height can vary greatly, the average woman is 5ft 3ins (161.8cm), meaning the ideal man would be 6ft 1in (185cm). Not ideal for most men, given that the average bloke in the UK is around 5ft 9 (175cm).
I understand that data is more valuable than anecdote, so while putting this study together was a perfectly worthwhile endeavour, I can’t help feeling that the people in white coats who did this research might have slightly wasted their time. Because if there’s one universally known truth about men on dating apps, it’s that being on the shorter side is a massive disadvantage.
Most of my friends aren’t shallow. They are, generally speaking, open-minded, tolerant, generous women. And yet there is something about male height that brings out a strange, uncharacteristic tendency.
Amongst my friendship groups we’ve dated some of the worst men on Earth. Ugly, irresponsible, feckless, incapable of fidelity, lazy, emotionally dependent on their mothers – the list of things wrong with the men we’ve dated could take up my entire word count. But all of those failings were apparently permissible. The one thing that the women I know seem unable to forgive is the comparatively minor issue of height.
There’s lots of chatter online about why women are like this, but I’m not sure it’s terribly complicated. Women come of age trying to be as small as possible. We’re taught from childhood that small, light, little women are princesses and fairies. Broad, strong, big women are ugly sisters. From fairytales to porn, small women are held up as the ideal.
And the easiest way to feel small, whatever size you are, is to stand next to someone bigger. I don’t think women gravitate towards big men because of some evil plot to force them to provide or protect us. I think it’s as simple as worrying about feeling or worse: looking big. Take for example, the fact that actress-singer Zendaya being two inches taller than her boyfriend, the actor Tom Holland, has spawned constant commentary from media outlets every time they step out together.
Much of the online dating culture aimed at women seems to revolve around a kind of dating economy which doesn’t work. My TikTok and Instagram algorithm tells me that we’re all supposed to be “high-value women”, and we should all be dating men who are six-foot-plus, homeowning professionals who pay for everything. But there just isn’t an infinite supply of men with those credentials. And I’m really not convinced that even if you do find one who ticks those boxes, that you’ve automatically hit the jackpot.
Back a couple of years ago, when I was dating so much I could have entered some kind of drinks-at-the-pub Olympics, I was an equal opportunity employer when it came to height. I’d known enough men who proved the old clichés about smaller men trying harder, and having better personalities, so I had no preference.
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If I matched with someone and they transpired to be 5ft 7ins, then fine. I’ve often asked myself why I seemed to have so much more of an enjoyable experience while dating than my friends did, and I do sometimes wonder if dating a handful of shorter men (before admittedly getting engaged to a six-footer) might have something to do with it.
I’m not in the business of telling women that they should settle for less. But (and I promise the short-man lobby hasn’t paid me to say this) dating shorter men isn’t settling for less, apart from in the literal, vertical sense. It’s simply opening your eyes to something different. If you’re having a miserable time on the dating apps then being even more prescriptive and specific isn’t going to make your life any easier.
When yet another friend is broken-hearted by a gym-going, six-foot-three tech bro, I do find myself gently asking if she’s considered broadening her horizons and going out with someone who is less able to reach the top shelf – but who might also be less generally awful.
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