American pageantry is alien to Britons. We do not understand their die-hard, red, white and blue patriotism, their rhetoric of a shared dream, their earnest belief in opportunity, their romance about their great experiment of a nation, their rights enshrined in a constitution and their sworn promise defend it.
Still, in spite of our cynicism, to observe it in action is often to be moved. Alas, the first convicted felon’s inauguration to the highest office in the land on this new “Liberation Day” was not stirring, nor even morbidly fascinating as a far-right dystopia. It was tedious and morose.
The sun shone bright on this historic dawn of a new Golden Age, but a dangerous cold had descended upon Washington DC. Meteorologists wrongly attributed it to an Arctic blast; in fact it was just the members of the Trump Extended Universe flown in from New York and Mar A Lago.
But it forced proceedings inside the Capitol Building, rather than their traditional position in front of it, and instead of the flag-waving crowds of revellers stretching miles into the distance that Trump hallucinated eight years ago, his second swearing-in felt more like a funeral.
Rather than jubilant, this was sombre. Rather than a theatrical spectacle, it was messy and cramped. The usual hierarchy of guests was upturned as Silicon Valley billionaires – replacing the usual foreign dignitaries and heads of state – shuffled in to their seats and made small talk with each other as if they were distant family members.
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Read MoreAnd former presidents dutifully observing the peaceful transition of democracy – flouted by Trump four years ago – entered the rotunda to music far too reminiscent of Curb Your Enthusiasm clowny tubas, just weeks after their reunion at Jimmy Carter’s state funeral.
George W. Bush winked, Bill Clinton smirked, their wives looked tight-lipped and unamused, and Barack Obama came solo, Michelle presumably drained of the wherewithal to remain in a room full of MAGA supporters long enough to avoid betraying her real opinions to the lip readers. Kamala Harris wore black and a face that was… unconvinced? Joe Biden just looked happy to be told which direction to walk in and sat bemused during Trump’s 20-minute annihilation of every decision made by his administration.
As for the Trump dynasty, Ivanka looked like she was in Second World War fancy dress and moved like a robot doll who needed her batteries changing, Barron hunched over in his chair like Cousin Greg from Succession, and Melania arrived in an elegant navy ensemble whose piece de resistance was a Michael Jackson-cum-Mary Poppins hat so wide-brimmed that her eyes were completely obscured and whose purpose only became clear when hubby arrived, leaned in, and was unable to reach her for a kiss.
For an event dubbed the “glitziest” ever it was disappointingly absent of glamour. I suppose it is reassuring that it was almost embarrassingly celeb-free, but as a viewer it meant there wasn’t much to write home about when the camera flashed to Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, or Elon Musk, who waved at the camera like a chimpanzee.
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Read MoreTrump – after swearing on the Bible, after sitting through the declarations of religious leaders and Supreme Court justices – delivered his interminable, threatening, expansionist to-do list of a speech and declared his plans to conquer Mars, along with the Panama Canal, and his renaming the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America (Hillary Clinton was openly laughing by this stage).
As for star performances, the Armed Forces Chorus and Long Island tenor Christopher Macchio felt more like a veterans’ fundraising concert than the soundtrack to a turning point in democratic history (not helped by the crowd members taking photos using an iPad).
And country royalty Carrie Underwood, who has faced much backlash for her decision to perform, was dealt a blow of instant karma when amateur tech failures delayed her rendition of “America the Beautiful”, and whose awkward wait lasted longer than her 50 second song. She has claimed she was appearing in the name of “unity” rather than politics, however unfortunately I suspect that she will achieve opposite effect with her own fanbase and that this gig is one she will come to regret.
I had expected to be appalled by this display – that it would be over the top, exceptionalist, brainwashing bigotry. It was worse: so underwhelming that Trump’s speech ended up looking impressive by comparison. And that really is dystopian.
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