Dear Deirdre
I no longer speak to my 40-year-old son. He married an American woman, an actress, in 2018, and ever since then, relations have been difficult, up to the point that we don’t see them, or my two grandchildren, any more. They moved to California, which made things worse, as I always saw a role for him in the family business. We try to be private, and not to air our problems in public, but he – and she – insist on telling other people how badly they’ve been treated by us, and I find this very difficult to reconcile. He says he wants to patch things up, but I don’t trust him any more. I can’t see any way to repair the relationship with him. Do you have any advice?
Yours
Charles,London SW1
I think I know what Deirdre, or indeed any agony aunt, would say in response. Put your pride to one side, Charles, and do what’s necessary to restore relations. There are few more meaningful or visceral bonds than the one between father and son, and it will be a never-ending source of sadness for both of you to leave this wound open. It’s your obligation as a parent to take the initiative, and it’s a sign of strength rather than weakness to forgive him.
But of course, it’s not any old Charlie we are talking about here. There are constitutional matters to consider. There are public relations issues. There is the question of security. And there is history, more than a thousand years of it. The breach between King Charles and Prince Harry exists as a morality tale in several dimensions.
Let’s leave aside the question of right and wrong, because ours is not to stand in judgement. And maybe we should ignore the practical and psychological and marital complications. I know one thing. Charles is in a unique position to give some moral leadership to the country, thereby giving the Royal Family relevance and consequence, and changing the tone of the national and international conversation. It is an opportunity that, no matter what he perceives to be the risks, he should take.
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At the age of 76, and with serious health problems, the risk for Charles is, in the vernacular of the capital markets, all on the downside. He could die estranged from his second son, and with a corner of his soul forever sorrowful. So, on a very basic human level, he must overcome all the hurt and indignation that attends him, and assume Harry’s plea for reconciliation last week was made with the best of intentions.
If he is not persuaded by the personal exigencies, what about his public role? King Charles is head of the Church of England, and forgiveness is at the heart of Christian doctrine. If institutions like the Church and the monarchy have any purpose in this rapacious, self-obsessed world, it is to attempt to fill the moral vacuum with positive leadership. The elders of the Catholic Church, at this very moment in Rome, are grappling with exactly the same issue.
A public offer of reconciliation, with no equivocation or conditions attached, is not appeasement, but is consistent with Christian teachings and would set a powerful example to those around the world who say they are prosecuting for peace, but do very little towards achieving it.
Who cares if private conversations become public? A close friend of King Charles was reported to have said this week: “How can you have a private and delicate conversation when you know it is going to end up on a news special within hours?” That may well be true, but I think we have become inured to the Windsor knickerbockers being washed in public.
Above all, however, is the global impact that such a gesture from King Charles would have. Forget about the lead it would give other fathers and sons in similar situations (and I’m not just talking about you, David and Brooklyn).
At a time when international relations is dominated by the language of retribution and punishment and payback from Washington, how refreshing would it be to hear the King of England speak of reconciliation and rapprochement and forgiveness, and to act as a holistic counterpoint to an atomised culture. So go on, Charles. Be the bigger man. I know I’d do it if it were my own son.
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