Got toxic in-laws? This is how to fix it ...Middle East

Sarah lived a short walk from her former mother-in-law. Her husband’s family owned the farm the couple worked on and the farmhouse they lived in. Her mother-in-law would drop in daily and make passive-aggressive comments about not visiting enough or not spending enough time with the grandchildren.

“I jumped through every hoop imaginable to try and win her approval,” says Sarah. “She is a very good cook, so I learned to cook so she’d be happy. But she’d always find something to comment on. After 15 years of marriage, she bought me a Delia Smith beginner’s cookbook titled ‘How to Cook.”

One Christmas, Sarah’s mother-in-law bought her an apron with fat bears on. “As I opened it, she said I needed to do more exercise,” she says. “Eventually, my son asked: ‘Why doesn’t Granny like you?”

Sarah realised her mother-in-law would never make her feel at ease. “She nearly broke me,” she reflects now, aged 65. “It was just a constant insidious undermining of confidence and decision-making.”

In fact, Sarah puts part of the blame for the breakdown of her 23-year marriage on her mother-in-law. “She was equally awful to my husband, but I don’t think he recognised the level of destruction that was going on.”

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The difficult in-law trope is age-old. And, of course, not everyone struggles with difficult in-laws. But lots do, and experts say this relationship is too often overlooked as a source of tension and toxicity. In an interview last year, the psychotherapist, author and agony aunt Philippa Perry told me that, out of all the problems she receives from the general public, she receives the most letters about in-laws.

Susie Masterson, a BACP-accredited psychotherapist, says in-laws are often a “really tricky dynamic” because two people who may not have much in common are thrown together without a clear sense of what their roles should be.

“Each of these parties tends to feel on the back foot, even if they might seem overbearing or confident, or even if it seems they don’t care,” she says. “The biggest theme I see is an insecurity in the power dynamic which can lead to a lack of communication.”

Research suggests women are disproportionately impacted by difficult in-law relationships. Terri Apter, a psychologist at Cambridge University, found that 60 per cent of women said the relationship with their female in-law caused them long-term unhappiness and stress. Two-thirds of daughters-in-law believed that their husbands’ mothers frequently exhibited jealous, maternal love towards their sons. 75 per cent of couples reported having problems with an in-law, but only 15 per cent of mother-in-law/son-in-law relationships were described as difficult. One study, conducted in 2013, suggested interfering in-laws are the cause of one in 10 divorces in Britain.

And now, the in-law relationship may be under more strain than ever. The IFS has found that the proportion of UK adults in their 20s and 30s cohabiting with their parents has risen by over a third in the last two decades, thanks to high rental costs and rising house prices. Young adults are more reliant than ever on the Bank of Mum and Dad to buy their first home, and more grandparents are providing childcare as nursery costs soar. When relationships feel transactional, they can be ripe for tension, with in-laws feeling exploited, and parent-child boundaries easily blurred.

Jenny Gordon is a life and leadership coach who has written a book on the in-law relationship, How to Be a Mother-in-Lawesome, out this summer. She had unhappy relationships with her ex-husband’s mum, and the mother of a previous partner – and is now on a mission to rebrand the image of the meddling ‘mother-in-law’.

Gordon split up with her first love after she felt the pressure from his mother was unbearable. Decades after breaking off their engagement, her ex got in touch to ask a difficult question: Was it my mother? “And I suppose it was,” says Gordon, now 65.

“When we first met, she took me down to the bottom of the garden to have a cup of tea alone,” she says. “It was like the Spanish Inquisition. She was a fierce and serious woman. She asked what my intentions were and what I was going to do with my life.” She explained that Gordon would go to her house every Sunday for lunch, and the couple must live around the corner.

Gordon, madly in love, tried to look past it. Two years into their relationship, at the age of 18, her boyfriend proposed. But the closer Gordon got to their wedding, the more she realised she would be trapped, so she ended it.

Gordon, based in Oxfordshire, is divorced, with three adult sons aged 40, 38 and 36, with three daughters-in-law of her own. “I don’t really like being called mother-in-law because it has such negative connotations,” she admits.

Over the years, she has learnt that an in-law relationship takes work. “Especially when it’s mothers of sons,” she says. Mothers of sons have a particularly bad reputation for being controlling and possessive, but, says Gordon, we should try to have empathy. “For our entire life as a mother, we were our son’s number one woman. And of course, when they marry, their wife is number one, which is how it should be. But it’s very hard to go from being number one to being less important.”

Gordon has spent years working to create harmonious relations with her new daughters. “I feel immensely privileged that we have a positive relationship,” she says. Gordon has four grandchildren and loves playing the ‘nanny’. “We have had conversations about how they parent, and I play by their rules.” She would never offer her opinion on their parenting or relationship unless it was asked for.

She is also curious about her daughters-in-law. “I treat them like the adults they are, respect their individuality and love them to bits.”

For a new couple that may be struggling with their in-law relationship, Gordon advises replacing judgment and assumption with curiosity. “Ask questions to help understand what’s actually going on,” she says. “And listen to understand, rather than to respond.”

Here, family therapists share how to get on well with your in-laws, the common patterns they see with their clients, and the mistakes we are making.

Dr. Reenee Singh, a psychotherapist in London, who works with married couples and their parents, often sees culture and class causing friction when families merge. “I work with many mixed-culture couples, and I’m struck by how differently they communicate with each other’s families,” she says. “They’re not sure what kinds of rules should be followed which can create a lot of confusion and a lot of difficulties.”

Class plays an important role too. “In some working-class families, the couple are expected to be very close to in-laws,” says Singh. “And so after a couple get married, they’re expected to live next door or see their in-laws very regularly. The new spouse may have different expectations about how close to extended family they want to be.” This can cause unspoken friction, without either party intending.

All families have different templates and ideas on how to relate to in-laws, and every culture is bound up with traditions and rules. “For example, there are lots of traditions around who goes where for Christmas, around giving gifts, what sort of gift is expected, and who’s supposed to give what on what occasion. Rifts arise when people either don’t know these rules or don’t deliberately observe them.” If these are broken, it can create long-held resentment.

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Weddings, big anniversaries, or the arrival of a baby are some of the most sensitive times in the in-law relationship. “The birth of the first child is particularly difficult,” says Singh. “People come with such different expectations, ideas, and rules; what they should do and shouldn’t do. Who they should relate to easily, and what the role of different grandparents is. So there’s lots of room for confusion and misunderstanding.”

Jealousy and competition can also arise between each pair of new grandparents, who each demand their share of family time. This can put added pressure on the new parents and create even more friction.

When it comes to childcare, Masterson is sympathetic to both sides. “If there is an expectation that grandparents are doing the bulk of the childcare, it can be very difficult for them not to bring their own thoughts, rules, and approaches to parenting. But of course, that isn’t necessarily ‘the contract’ that the son and daughter thought they were getting into with their parents or in-laws.”

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To avoid this conflict, Masterson advises having a sit-down conversation. “It’s important for new parents to formalise their expectations, just as you would when you join with your nursery provider. Explain what’s really important in terms of potential parenting approaches and boundaries for the children. But also understand that grandparents are not a nursery provider. They do have another input and approach that may well be beneficial.”

Statistics show that women are more affected by difficult in-law relationships than men, but Masterson says this isn’t because men get on better with their spouse’s parents. “From what I hear in couples therapy, men do experience tension with their in-laws; they are just more able to distance themselves from it, at least in practical terms,” she says.

For the men whose partners are struggling with their in-laws, Masterson has clear advice. “My advice to any man is to respect and support their partner by presenting as a team when dealing with family issues,” she says.

Open conversations are the eye to clearing up any brewing tensions, but when that doesn’t work, setting clear boundaries is vital. “I worked with one family who were quite offended if the young daughter-in-law didn’t show up to all these family occasions,” says Singh. “And then I helped the younger couple to negotiate which occasions to attend and which ones not to. That was putting down their boundary. And I worked with the older parents to help them realise that this didn’t mean that the younger couple was rejecting them.”

Setting boundaries isn’t always easy, and it can come with a lot of pushback. “Often with parents and in-laws, they push back when they feel rejected and hurt. Their behaviour often comes from a place of so much love and care. It’s often not meant to be done in a hostile way.”

An effective way to minimise any hostility is to meet on neutral ground, perhaps going to the cinema or booking tickets for a play. “When having important discussions, it might be a good idea to meet in a park or an outdoor space,” says Singh.

It takes time to heal

Singh admits that family sessions can be quite stormy, especially when both sides are setting boundaries. But, she warns, the key to healing this relationship is to take it slow.

“Often, I tell adult families I work with, healing this relationship happens in baby steps, and they shouldn’t expect too much, too quickly. If there is too much too soon, that is when things can go wrong again and old habits return,” she says. “Sometimes it’s not even so much about having therapy and talking. One of the most important ways to heal the relationship is just by being respectful, by being gentle and by lowering and changing one’s expectations.”

There are some instances when a relationship may be too far gone to heal. “It can seem irreparable if both sides are being very defensive, and if both sides are becoming more and more entrenched,” says Masterson. “If that happens, that’s a lose-lose. That doesn’t help anybody. It’s important to always find a little bit of scaffolding; a place where we can all meet and come together.”

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