THIS was a seriously bad day for Ben Stokes but it would have been a truly God-awful one had it not been for a rapid new bowler the England captain has to call upon.
A bloke by the name of Ben Stokes.
After Stokes won the toss and invited India to bat and bat and bat, he watched the rest of his insipid attack ground into the Headingley dirt on the opening day of this five-Test series.
Luckily, after two years of knee and hamstring issues which severely hampered his ability to bowl, Stokes is operating as a genuine all-rounder again.
And, in the brutal heat and humidity of subtropical Leeds, the skipper hauled his 34-year-old bones through 13 overs of hard yakka – claiming the wickets of debutant Sai Sudharsan and century-maker Yashavsi Jaiswal.
The 87mph zinger which pinned back Jaiswal’s off stump was the highlight of England’s sweat-stained, angst-ridden day.
Still, India reached stumps at 359-3 with their princely new captain Shubman Gill helping himself to a regal century which leaves England staring down the barrel at a mammoth total.
Let’s get one thing straight here – England have precisely no chance of winning The Ashes Down Under this winter with an attack anything like this one.
The veteran Chris Woakes was innocuous, Josh Tongue’s chin music was out of tune, and the callow off-spinner Shoaib Bashir was milked like a Jersey cow.
The returns of Gus Atkinson and the elusive Jofra Archer cannot come soon enough.
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Stokes hopes to have them back for the Second Test at Edgbaston but with Archer, who has not played a Test in four-and-a-half years, we will believe it when we see it.
Archer is due to make a first-class comeback for Sussex against Durham in the County Championship on Sunday.
As for Mark Wood, the Geordie lightning merchant was having his breakfast bap forensically searched by security guards before play, then heading to the Test Match Special commentary box.
Wood is highly unlikely to play any part in this series, as he recovers from knee surgery.
There was some science behind Stokes’ decision to insert India.
The last six Tests at Headingley have been won by the team bowling first – five of them by England, including the Stokes-inspired Ashes miracle of 2019.
Yet in roasting temperatures, and with a second-rate attack, this looked for all the world like a batting day.
Before the start, there were loud, bright fireworks on the pitch – startling many of the punters.
Is there any point in having fireworks in broad daylight? Does everything in sport really need to be introduced with pyrotechnics? Was Stokes hoping the acrid leftover clouds would help the ball to swing?
Either way, the ball didn’t do much, as Indian openers Jaiswal and KL Rahul cruised to the brink of lunch.
Tongue summed up England’s hapless efforts by imploring Stokes to review an LBW shout against Jaiswal, when the ball had pitched outside leg stump.
Then in the penultimate over before lunch, Rahul slashed at decent delivery from the useful Brydon Carse and was pouched by Joe Root at first slip.
Sudharsan’s maiden Test innings was a four-ball duck, as Stokes inflicted a leg-side strangle – as India reached lunch on 92-2, England with renewed optimism.
Carse trapped Jaiswal plumb on 45 with a no-ball.
Then Gill, with such a haughty bearing that you’d expect a butler to carry his bat for him, sent Woakes to the boundary with glorious back-to-back cover drives.
Bashir was finally introduced halfway through the day but Jaiswal sent his first delivery to the ropes and the twirler rarely threatened.
Jaiswal hammered him back over his head to bring up the century partnership – but then started suffering from debilitating bouts of cramp in his arm.
Still, the pain seemed to subside when he took Carse for consecutive boundaries, then dabbed a single and waved his arms manically to celebrate.
England’s afternoon was summed up when Jaiswal edged Stokes short of slip and India were handed five runs when the ball cannoned off an unused helmet.
Soon after tea, Stokes earned his breakthrough, ripping through Jaiswal’s defences.
It was an almighty relief given that the opener’s two centuries against England in India last year ended up as whopping great doubles.
Stokes then conjured a fiendish slower ball which almost outfoxed Rishabh Pant – who survived to hammer a typically unorthodox half-century.
Gill’s hundred arrived with another majestic cover drive off Tongue and his first day as India’s skipper could barely have gone any better.
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