Dear Eric: My hubby and I are in our late 60s. Starting in our 30s, we had a large group of friends, with whom we spent many fun weekends together.
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A few years ago, it came out that one of our dearest friends had an affair with another dear friend’s wife for seven years, while we were all getting together all those many times.
The shock of this was unbelievable. The cheated-on husband was devastated, has since divorced and moved hours away. He’s had no contact with the cheating wife, same as the rest of us.
The affair was 30 or 35 years ago now. We’ve all aged and people have moved away, health issues have prevented much socializing, and getting together is almost nonexistent with any of us. None of us has seen or heard from the other adulterer or his wife.
But he came over yesterday, spur of the moment.
My hubby said yes to a quick visit, thinking he had something important to tell us. I was not home.
After a short, awkward visit, the cheater pleaded his case to my hubby. He said it was all half a lifetime ago and that after the affair ended, he had tried to be a great friend to the cheated-on friend (weird). He said that he and his wife have zero friends.
I’m sure he wanted to rekindle the friendship with my husband. They were very close. My hubby said he didn’t know if that was possible, and the cheater left in tears.
We feel horrible. I can feel the cheater’s pain.
Are we wrong to not rekindle this friendship? Seems like a betrayal, although we aren’t in touch much with the cheated-on guy. We feel like judge and jury, though, and know that forgiveness and compassion are good things.
– Past Rewritten
Dear Past: Your loyalty to your friend who was cheated on is commendable; it makes sense. But in answering your question, I’d like to focus on a different relationship – that between you and the friend who came to visit recently. Because that’s also a relationship that has been damaged by his actions and that’s currently the only one that you have the power to fix.
His actions (and the actions of the woman with whom he cheated) not only hurt their spouses, but they created a fissure in your friend group. So, if he can acknowledge that and work to repair the bond between himself and you and your husband, there may be some hope.
He doesn’t get to come waltzing back into your life simply because he’s in a tough spot, emotionally. You don’t owe him companionship. But if you and your husband are open to it, and he’s able to work on making amends, you should pursue it.
There’s so much damage in the past that I don’t think it’s a betrayal of your loyalty to your other friend. Rekindling this friendship won’t impact him, so you can step down from the judicial bench and put down the gavel. This will allow you to see your friend as human and, like us all, flawed.
Dear Eric: While I agree with your response to “Concerned Parent,” whose comments kept offending their daughter, you may have forgotten that the daughter is a millennial. And millennials are universally offended by any criticism. From anyone, especially a parent.
While a friend may appreciate the gentle reminder that a statistics class involves high-level mathematics, a millennial will take that information as an insult.
As the parent of a 40-year-old, I try to ask myself “Did they ask?” before I offer advice.
– Millennial Mom
Dear Mom: Universally? Not to prove my geriatric millennial bona fides, but I have to push back on this a little bit.
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Now, it may feel like 72 million people can’t take criticism, but is that really true? I don’t think any generation – zoomers, boomers, and all the rest – wants to be defined by negative characteristics. These kinds of generalities can help inform a culture context and perhaps lead to curiosity, but they don’t really work as psychological diagnoses.
However, I love the way you end the letter. “Did they ask?” is a fantastic self-check-in for anyone, of any age, who is about to offer unsolicited advice. Sometimes, in conversation, I’ll even ask the person. “Are you asking for advice, or do you just need to be heard?”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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