Look, we’ve given them a good go. We have been more than fair. But it’s time to say what everyone’s thinking. Donald Trump and Elon Musk have proven it without a shadow of a doubt – men are just too emotional for leadership.
The poor things simply cannot keep their cool if they’re in any way criticised or challenged; their egos are far too fragile, and they are unable to stop themselves from throwing their toys out of the pram, as we have seen this week.
This is particularly true of ultimate man babies Trump and Musk, who have shown what happens when a bromance goes wrong, and how much worse it is than when women fall out. They loved hard, and now they’re hating even harder. Dignity, privacy, and being the bigger person? Those ships are pinpricks on the horizon at this point.
Trump and Musk’s break-up has been so catty and below the belt that Real Housewives reality show boss Andy Cohen posted on social media, “LET ME HOST THE REUNION!”
He is a well-skilled, safe pair of hands, with over a decade of experience mediating between cast members so furious they sometimes leap from their seats and pull each other’s hair extensions out. And yet, still, he would struggle with Musk and Trump. (Although he would be able to help Trump fix his hair if the need arose.)
Who would have thought it would come to this? (Rhetorical.) It all started so promisingly.
“I love @realDonaldTrump as much as a straight man can love another man,” wrote Musk back in February, because sometimes you just have to shout it from the rooftops, you know?
Their relationship progressed as those between 78 and 53-year-olds so typically do, with BFF sleepovers.
“We’ll be on Air Force One or Marine One, and he’s like, ‘Hey do you want to stay over?’ And I’m like, ‘Sure,’” Musk said. He didn’t mention ringing his mum to check it was ok, but that’s probably implied.
Obviously, there was a midnight feast – I mean, duh. “He’ll actually call, like, late at night and say, ‘Oh, by the way, make sure you get some ice cream from the kitchen’,” Musk gabbled, excitedly. “It was epic… This stuff is amazing. I ate a whole tub of it, added three pounds in one night.” No mention of prank calls or pillow fights, but again, the implication is surely there. Epic!
Musk started calling himself “First Buddy”. Trump turned the White House lawn into a Tesla showroom so they could play cars together. Vrooom vrooooom!
But there was trouble in paradise in April when Musk was such a meanie to one of Trump’s other mates, White House trade adviser Peter Navarro. He called Navarro “dumber than a sack of bricks”. Trump’s White House didn’t take sides: “Boys will be boys,” Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said. Won’t they just.
And then, as quickly as it began… sheesh, you know what kids are like. Maybe they were tired? Had too much sugar? Didn’t take it in turns nicely, like they’d been told to?
Fittingly, the two overgrown toddlers began bickering over who said they didn’t want to play anymore first.
square AMERICA Every blow traded as Trump and Musk’s break-up went nuclear
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When Trump posted on Truth Social that he had sacked Musk from his role as a special adviser, Musk responded: “Such an obvious lie. So sad.”
There must have been no one around to give them a ‘time out’ so they could sit and think about what they’d done, so the situation quickly escalated.
Musk hit Trump in the most painful place possible for any little boy, right in his Big Beautiful Bill. Trump threatened to cut off Musk’s pocket money.
“You saw a man who was very happy when he stood behind the Oval desk. Even with a black eye. I said, Do you want a little makeup? He said, No, I don’t think so. Which is interesting,” Trump said. Anyone who has ever wanted to do face painting when their bestie didn’t could not fail to sympathise. Maybe Musk was worried Trump only had orange?
“Elon and I had a great relationship. I don’t know if we will any more,” Trump revealed. He didn’t add ‘and no returns’. Rookie mistake.
Things then got so nasty that mutual friend Kanye West took to social media to post, “Brooooos please nooooo… We love you both so much.” (Um, on this – oh, and everything else actually – speak for yourself, Ye.)
Never have two silly little boys needed their heads banged together more. Better form an orderly queue, eh?
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