Dominic Cummings has given his one piece of advice again. It is always the same, no matter how many times you ask him or which scenarios he encounters.
He is a cheap children’s toy that’ll say an identical stock phrase whenever you press its button.
His advice is to follow his instructions. Reform UK leader Nigel Farage could become prime minister “if he does what I’m suggesting”, the former No 10 aide told Sky News. This is the key that apparently unlocks success. “If he does that, then there’ll be a huge surge of interest and support into the whole thing.”
Cummings likes to present himself as some kind of scientific genius who trades in data rather than vibes and can therefore forecast events with uncanny accuracy, but his every utterance is stupefyingly banal.
His insights in the interview include the fact that Kemi Badenoch is not very good, the Tories are in trouble, and Reform is doing well, but Farage is organisationally challenged. Such are the great contributions of this original thinker.
One of the most remarkable elements of Westminster culture is people’s iron-clad self-assurance.
It does not matter how comprehensively they are shown to be wrong, they barely blink an eye before carrying on as if nothing happened.
Not so long ago, Cummings had the world at his fingertips. He enjoyed pride of place next to a Prime Minister with a large majority right at the start of his time in office.
And what did he do with it? He brought the entire project down around him in a frenzy of paranoia, resentment, half-arsed reform, briefing, counter-briefing, outright fabrication and innuendo.
He provided the first self-inflicted wound in the administration, one which would later turn into a gangrenous festering sore, become infected, and then consume the host body alive.
The Barnard Castle incident was one of the stupidest, funniest, most dim-witted political scandals any of us had ever witnessed. It culminated in the intellectual peak of his career: the argument, expressed with all seriousness, that he put his family in the back of his car to test his eyesight.
This was by some distance Cummings’s great contribution to British culture. He gave us the gift of humour. He took a moment of real national pain and suffering and made it funny. For that we should be eternally grateful – but our appreciation should stop there, alongside the boundaries of his talent.
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He is a political and professional void, with nothing to teach us except how to burn down your career. Those who wish to do this should seek him out. Those who do not should steer clear of him.
Farage knows the type because he is one. Cummings and Farage are, in their own broken way, two images of the same personality. Indeed, they both offered the same advice to the British people, nearly 10 years ago during the Brexit referendum.
Cummings did it on behalf of Vote Leave, and Farage did it on behalf of Leave.EU.
Cummings was supposedly the respectable one, but he churned out lies with a side-order of racism, for instance, claiming that Turkey was about to join the EU and trigger a crime wave.
Farage simply removed all lingering subtlety, posing in front of posters showing dark-skinned men as if they were breaking down Britain’s borders.
They made all the promises in the world: about the NHS, control, sovereignty, economic health, and national destiny.
But more than that, they pledged their judgement, their standing – they convinced people to gamble their livelihood on their vision, to gamble their country’s fate on it. And it turned out to be utterly, tragically wrong.
Farage told fishermen that their “communities are destroyed by the common fisheries policy”. He did not mention the basic facts: that Britain does not eat the fish in its waters and instead exports it to European markets.
After Brexit, the time-consuming customs and regulatory checks required by Brexit pulverised those exports. Fresh seafood perishes quickly. It was more exposed than perhaps any other type of product by the sudden change.
Farage had promised that these checks would not be required. Experts told him they would be because they are required all over the world.
It turned out the experts were right and Farage was wrong. But needless to say, it was fishermen, not Farage, who paid the price.
Now Farage continues issuing the same warnings and the same promises as if nothing had happened.
Labour’s proposed deal with the EU would extend existing fishing rights, in exchange for reducing those exact sanctuary and phytosanitary checks which have done so much damage to our exports.
“This will be catastrophic for Britain’s many coastal towns,” Farage said. “Only Reform UK will stand up for our fishing industry and ensure they’re protected and allowed to thrive.”
Nothing really changes. Like Cummings, the Farage toy only has one stock response when you press the button: more misinformation, more divisive hateful rhetoric, more ignorance, and more suffering for those foolish enough to believe him.
Cummings and Farage deserve each other. They’re both utterly ignorant of that which they speak about, they’re both boring and predictable, and they both suffer the precise flaws of those they lambast.
They should work together – they’d get on terribly well. But if the rest of us have even one remaining brain cell left in our head, we’ll finally learn to ignore them.
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