As they say, “Opposites attract,” and this is certainly true in a variety of relationships, from marriage and dating relationships to friendships and connections with family members. And at times, an empath and a narcissist can end up being linked in one significant way or another. It's not always simple to spot this specific type of negative dynamic, however. Fortunately, a psychologist is here to share five especially surprising or sneaky signs of this kind of toxic relationship. Plus, she reveals exactly how empaths should manage a relationship with a narcissist.But first things first: Let's go over what it means to be an empath, as well as a narcissist.Related: 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You're 'Too Sensitive'
“An empath is a person who naturally has a heightened sense of people, allowing them to deeply perceive, resonate and understand others’ perspectives,” says Dr. Brittney Jones, licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Today's Psychologist. She adds that some think of empaths as “emotional sponges” that can absorb stress and emotions from others.Meanwhile, narcissists couldn’t be more opposite. Related: 12 Signs You Might Be a 'Highly Sensitive Person,' According to a Therapist
What It Means To Be a Narcissist
As Dr. Jones explains, narcissists tend to be highly self-absorbed, with traits that stem from cold or unempathetic relationships with parents or guardians during childhood. But it’s all a ruse. Dr. Jones says that in actuality, narcissists don’t necessarily have high self-esteem and tend to be insecure and fragile internally. “Despite this fragility and vulnerability, they often have difficulty with the ability to empathize with others,” she says. Marked by unevenness, what’s a relationship between an empath and narcissist like?
While it may seem as if these two types of individuals would try to stay as far away from one another as possible, some things can cause one to gravitate toward the other—for instance, for better or for worse, a dysfunctional dynamic can be the catalyst. This dysfunctional dynamic is defined by “the empath being understanding and compassionate,” which feeds the narcissist’s need for “admiration and attention,” Dr. Jones says. “Inevitably, the initial superficial charm and confidence from the narcissist will wane,” she observes. “Insecurities arise, along with a need for being validated. Then, with their lack of empathy, when problems in the relationship arise, behaviors like manipulation, gaslighting and blame-shifting surface. With an empath’s understanding nature, they may minimize or forgive these slights, further reinforcing the dysfunctional cycle.” Related: 35 Simple, Sincere Phrases To Express Empathy, According to Therapists
These two individuals may feel as if they are fulfilling each other’s needs, in a way. The narcissist has their need met for validation and attention, and the empath may feel a sense of responsibility to help the narcissist, “which fuels their altruistic and understanding nature,” Dr. Jones says.At the end of the day, Dr. Jones believes that a relationship between an empath and narcissist isn’t ideal because it’s a connection that has its footing in a toxic dynamic, something that can only lead to anxiety and resentment, and in some cases is “extremely abusive and manipulative,” she explains.“Without treatment or changes, the narcissist continues to feel empty, and their unquenchable need for admiration and validation is unmet,” she adds. “The empath may start to resent the narcissist for their manipulation and constant boundary violations.” Related: 9 Ways Dating a Narcissist Changes You and How To Heal, According to Therapists
5 Surprising Signs of an Empath and Narcissist Relationship
Dr. Jones says that empath-narcissist relationships may seem one-sided, with the narcissist expecting special treatment or unconditional positive regard, even at the expense of the empath’s feelings or boundaries.
2. Imbalances Leading to Resentment
Over time, the empath may experience more and more resentment, which, as Dr. Jones says, decreases admiration and attention toward the narcissist. This, in turn, can fuel guilt-tripping and other manipulation tactics from the narcissist. Related: 150 Narcissist Quotes To Help You Understand, Cope With and Defeat Narcissism in Your Own Life
“Empaths may often feel anxious, like they’re walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their narcissist partner,” Dr. Jones notes.
4. Manipulation
Unfortunately, according to Dr. Jones, even if the narcissist partner is at fault, arguments or disagreements may often end in the empath feeling responsible or to blame due to the narcissist’s gaslighting, blame-shifting and guilt-tripping.
5. Devaluation and Criticism
Although narcissists may have periods of “idealizing the empath,” as Dr. Jones puts it, devaluation and criticism is inevitable and can cause an empath to be confused and wonder why the narcissist puts up with them. “A cycle of dependence surfaces, causing the empath to compensate by catering to the narcissist’s needs,” she explains.Related: 7 Ways To Use Emotional Intelligence Against a Narcissist, According to Psychologists
If you’ve spotted these signs that indicate that you’re in an empath-narcissist relationship, but you want to improve things, you can start by setting healthy boundaries and being aware of your self-care needs, as Dr. Jones advises. As the empath, you should also know when you’re overstepping your own boundaries to meet the narcissist’s needs. “Once boundaries are set, this may trigger the narcissist due to the lack of admiration or attention,” she explains. “Understanding the cycles of idealizing, devaluation and criticism is important for reinforcing boundaries versus forgoing them due to manipulation or guilt-tripping.”
It can also be helpful to seek professional help from a mental health practitioner who is trained in narcissist-empath dynamics. If this relationship is with your partner, Dr. Jones suggests starting couple’s or martial therapy.
“Couple’s therapy can also help with facilitating the process of separation or divorce, if necessary,” she adds.
If you’ve tried all that you can, but the relationship still feels toxic, you have the option to walk away, as long as it feels safe to do so. If it doesn’t feel safe, bring in extra supports or authorities if needed.
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Related: 8 Common 'Dark Empath' Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
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