People Who Grew up With Super-Negative Parents Often Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say ...Saudi Arabia

Growing up, you may have felt like you needed to bring in some {positive) reinforcements if your parents were super-negative. Perhaps you proudly showcased a B+ on a math test—a full grade improvement from a recent quiz—only for your parents to ask, "Where's the A?" It's common to constantly replay that memory like a tape as an adult and apply it to other situations."When a parent is constantly negative or critical, it can distort their self-image," says Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health. "[Their kids] may feel like nothing they do is good enough and, over time, this can lead to chronic self-doubt, low self-esteem and difficulties in relationships, decision-making and emotional regulation into adulthood."In other words? If this describes your childhood, it's unsurprising if you relate to many (or all) of the 12 traits psychologists say are common in adults who grew up with "super-negative" parents.Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say

Being told your A- wasn't good enough was just the start. Understandably, you may now struggle to accept anything less than perfection if you grew up believing anything less was a failure."[You] may chase impossible standards just to avoid criticism or rejection," Dr. Guarnotta shares. "Over time, this can lead to chronic stress [and] burnout."Related: People Who Were 'Overly Competitive' in Childhood Often Develop These 16 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

2. Fear of failure

This trait is another pitfall of having parents who weren't OK with mistakes."Mistakes may have been punished as a child or used to create shame," saysDr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. "As an adult, they might avoid risk, obsess over the outcome of things and see a setback as a personal flaw."However, Dr. Schiff stresses that there is no shame in needing to reframe failure after this type of upbringing."This fear is really about emotional survival," she says.

Our parents are the first people with whom many of us form relationships, and they teach us how we "should" relate to others, explains Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy. D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. Super-negative parenting styles can follow a harsh lesson plan."[Kids with super-negative parents] learned early on that closeness can lead to criticism, so they keep emotional distance to avoid hurt," she explains. "When one does not receive emotional safety in childhood, trusting others can seem risky or unfamiliar."

4. Chronic self-doubt

In decision-making processes, people raised by super-negative parents may struggle with "paralysis by analysis.""If a parent always second-guesses their child's choices, that child begins to question their own judgment," Dr. Guarnotta says. "As adults, they may struggle to make decisions and excessively seek reassurance from others."For example, Dr. Saidi says your emailed application for a dream job may stay in your "drafts" folder forever.Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

A loud and rude inner critic doesn't help with self-doubt. The voice hyper-focusing on the one moment in which you stuttered during a work presentation rather than all the compliments you received after may sound precisely like your super-negative parent."The negative voice they often heard growing up becomes internalized," Dr. Saidi explains.

6. People-pleasing tendencies

Kids with super-negative parents struggle to gain validation and may seek it in adulthood in harmful ways."When love and approval is conditional, children learn to prioritize other people's needs to avoid criticism," Dr. Guarnotta points out. "As adults, they may struggle with boundaries and find it hard to say no. They may sacrifice their own needs for others."

Dr. Guarnotta reports that adults who grew up with harsh, critical parents often learn to bury their emotions. "Growing up in a home where feelings were dismissed or met with negativity may teach children to bottle up their feelings," she says. "As adults, they might struggle with vulnerability, which can lead to relationship difficulties and emotional isolation."

8. Pessimism

Can you really blame yourself for this one after what you went through?"Super-negative parents may express fear and hopelessness often," Dr. Guarnotta explains. "Children absorb this and grow up expecting the worst or always waiting for something to go wrong. This makes it hard for them to enjoy the present moment or take healthy risks."Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Start Using This One Confidence-Boosting Phrase

The pessimism, emotional suppression, perfectionism and fear of failure create a "perfect" storm that can trigger this threat."Adults who have been raised by caregivers who are consistently negative have expectations that things will not work out, they will not be recognized when things do work out and they experience less understanding for others if situations do not turn out in the way they hoped," reveals Dr. Brett A. Biller, Psy.D., the Mental Health Director at the Audrey Hepburn Children's House, Hackensack University Medical Center. "As such, adults who have been raised in negative environments are prone to experience persistent frustration."

10. Controlling or lack of ability to adjust

Life can feel like a series of pivots—toddlers wake up early and hijack your morning routine or a meeting might run late. People who grew up in super-negative households may struggle to adjust."Environments that are consistently negative do not allow for children to explore, and when exploration occurs, they are often ridiculed or admonished," Dr. Biller explains. As a result, he says people may have rigid expectations for how things "must" go. They may hold others to have the same standards and come off as controlling, inflexible and super-negative.

The pursuit of perfectionism and negative internal monologue are part of a recipe for anxiety."When their actions or the actions of others are routinely questioned, with minimal space for lack of success, or perceived lack of success, adults experience increased anxiety caused by the enhanced expectations they hold for themselves," Dr. Biller says.

12. Resilience

On a positive note, Dr. Biller says that people who grew up with super-negative parents—and who can reflect on the experience—may experience a silver lining: resilience."When allowing a place for both critical assessment of self and others, while also learning from experiences, we are better able to manage situations and experiences which are less than ideal," Dr. Biller says.Related: 11 Phrases To Use That Communicate 'You've Hurt Me,' According to Psychologists

Tips for Healing From a Super-Negative Childhood

Avoid telling yourself to "just get over it and move on" because it was a "long time ago.""Don’t minimize what you went through," Dr. Saidi emphasizes. "Your pain is valid. Journaling with prompts such as, 'What did I need to hear as a child?' may help because it allows you to name your experiences and allows real healing to begin."Related: How To Validate Someone's Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist

2. Learn to recognize and challenge your inner critic

Just because your inner criticsays something is true does not mean it is."When it comes to a negative belief about yourself, such as 'I'm terrible with people,' you can ask yourself questions like 'Is this always true?' or 'Does this sound like something that I was told by someone else?'" Dr. Guarnotta explains. "When you can recognize that the belief is not true 100% of the time, you can replace it with something more positive and constructive, like 'I'm working on my people skills.'"She says this step can lay the groundwork for self-worth.

This one takes work."When you grew up feeling like your needs didn’t matter, learning to assert yourself probably doesn't come naturally," Dr. Guarnotta says.She suggests giving yourself permission to put your needs first—it's worth it."Boundaries help you protect your energy and keep you safe," Dr. Guarnotta explains.

4. Seek therapy

Dr. Guarnotta says a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma can be useful in helping you work through your experiences. Dr. Schiff agrees."Healing doesn't happen in isolation," Dr. Schiff says.

5. Allow space for understanding

Having empathy and compassion for your super-negative parents can be challenging, especially if you're struggling as a result. However, Dr. Biller recommends eventually giving it a try for your own sake."Allow a place for understanding that our caregivers' negativity may not have been from a place of malice," he suggests. "Through curiosity and appreciation for self-understanding, we empower ourselves to learn from experience rather than repeat what has had a negative impact."Up Next:

Related: Daughters of Emotionally Immature Parents Often Develop These 7 Traits as Adults

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