12 skills to boost your happiness and transform your life ...Middle East

In an age where happiness often feels like an impossibly fleeting state or a reward for achieving success, science – and ancient wisdom – offers a powerful alternative: happiness as a skillset. According to decades of psychological research, happiness isn’t just about luck or personality; it is something you can actively cultivate through habits, mindsets and everyday actions. While genetics and circumstance undoubtedly play a role, it is also something you can learn, strengthen and practice, much like cooking or riding a bike.

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Sceptics might scoff at this notion. For starters, one might rightly point out we cannot expect ourselves to be Pollyanna characters who are happy all the time. So-called “toxic positivity” is certainly a hindrance, not a help, when it comes to happiness levels. But this isn’t about trying to dispel all negative emotion; rather, it is about working towards what researchers and psychologists call “subjective wellbeing” – long-term contentment and overall life satisfaction.

While there are a number of ways to measure subjective wellbeing, positive psychology pioneer Dr Martin Seligman breaks it into three key parts: pleasure (enjoying the moment), engagement (being absorbed in what you do) and meaning (living for something bigger than yourself). It is these, he says, which foster authentic happiness.

And they don’t arise by accident. Rather than being fully tethered to circumstances long-term, authentic happiness is built through adopting practices which help you strengthen it. From gratitude and connection to authenticity and play, happiness depends on how we train our brains, shape our routines and chart life’s ups and downs.

Here, two psychotherapists – Katherine Cavallo of the UK Council for Psychotherapy and Counselling Directory member Alice Tew – identify the 12 foundational skills that anyone can develop to create more happiness.

Research shows those who practice mindfulness are consistently happier. “Mindfulness, or learning to be more present in the moment, has been scientifically proven to generate neurological changes in the brain that can combat anxiety and depression, improve emotional wellbeing and create a sense of being more grounded and focused,” says Cavallo. “Practising meditation daily, as little as five minutes at a time, can make a difference.”

If meditation sounds intimidating, there are other ways to be more mindful. For instance, try going on a “colour walk”, where you spend a walk trying to look for as many different colours as you can, from the pink of a blossom tree to the yellow of somebody’s front door.

“Over time, the benefits arise in the way we notice, sense and appreciate more in our day-to-day lives,” she says. “So, try to do something that makes you feel more present each day – but if you miss a day, don’t berate yourself; just start again where you left off.”

Optimism

Humans are hard-wired with a “negativity bias”: that is, we experience, look for and dwell on the negative far more than the positive. It is why we remember criticism and forget praise and why one bad moment can ruin an otherwise good day. So, if practicing optimism sounds unrealistic to you, think of it more as overcoming your negativity bias.

“Optimism is the ability to look towards the positives in any situation,” Tew explains. “It’s important to separate this from toxic positivity, which is a tendency to blindly ignore potential difficulties. It is more about remembering to acknowledge the positive ones too.”

Optimism is important because it can support us to be hopeful and to identify and work towards better outcomes. “If this is something you struggle with, know that it’s OK to experience the negatives – just then challenge yourself to find one good thing alongside them,” she says. “You could try keeping a ‘small wins’ journal or getting in the habit of looking at the potential best case every time you find yourself lost in the worst-case scenario.”

Research consistently tells us that strong and supportive relationships are the key to emotional wellbeing, enabling us to thrive psychologically. In fact, the world’s longest-running study of happiness – The Harvard Study of Adult Development – has found that strong relationships are the biggest predictor of lifelong fulfilment. “We are social animals, hardwired for connection with others from birth, throughout our lives,” explains Cavallo. “Being close to others changes our physiology, having a calming effect and helping us to regulate emotionally.”

To improve connection, learn loved one’s love languages – that is, how they most appreciate love being shown to them, and harness it.

“Relationships thrive when there are reciprocal patterns of fondness and appreciation,” Cavallo says. “Also, learning to voice our concerns and communicate with those close to us can be hard, but it’s an important skill that can build relationship resilience.”

Connection doesn’t just mean close friendships: even casual interactions with strangers can lift your mood – it might be as simple as making eye contact and smiling at the person who serves your coffee, as opposed to looking down at your phone. “Even connecting with strangers has been found to be beneficial, plus you may end up boosting someone else’s happiness too,” she says.

Flow

Have you ever been so engrossed in a hobby or task that you almost forget where you are? If so, that is what positive psychologists describe as a “flow state” – and is something enormously beneficial to our wellbeing.

“Flow is how we describe that mental state when you’re completely absorbed in what you’re doing and not hindered by external distractions or internal distractions,” explains Tew. “Knowing what helps us to be in a flow state can support us to do our best work, increasing self-confidence and experiencing deep enjoyment.”

To practice more flow, Tew advises asking yourself what activities you do that leave you wondering where the time went. It might be something creative, like painting or writing, or even something more active, such as gardening or swimming. “A flow state often comes from a ‘just right” balance between a challenge and your natural strengths, meaning you can meet it,” she says.

When life is tough, or even when it is just distinctly average, it can feel near-impossible to summon a thankful or appreciative attitude. But there is a reason gratitude is mentioned practically any time an expert talks about fostering a greater sense of wellbeing.

“Gratitude has been scientifically proven to reduce depression and anxiety by generating physiological changes to neural pathways in the brain,” says Cavallo. “We all view the world through a ‘lens’, and when we are feeling worried or low, we tend to notice the negatives.

“By strategically finding ways to bring gratitude into our daily routine, the brain can be trained to alter its ‘lens’, increasing neuroplasticity, thereby enabling more positive thought patterns over time.”

The easiest way to embrace it is by getting into the habit of writing down three things you are grateful for each day. “Keep it simple,” she advises. “Notice the little things. It could be coffee in bed in the morning, getting a seat on the train or an unexpected text from a friend.”

Authenticity

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Being your authentic self is the idea of being genuine or true to yourself. “Often we are subconsciously governed by ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’, the expectations of others, family, friends or society as a whole,” says Cavallo. “But trying to fit in with other’s expectations of who we are can be exhausting and create inner conflict, anxiety and low self-esteem. Learning to understand oneself better, of living a life as one’s authentic self, can help with feeling more calm, grounded and free.”

To foster more authenticity, take time to really think about what does and doesn’t make you happy. “Reflect on your core beliefs and values, on what naturally brings you joy,” she says. “And remember that we all naturally change and grow, so what used to make you happy might not be the case now. Authenticity is a journey, rather than an ultimate goal.”

Showing kindness and generosity is consistently linked to increased happiness, promoting the feel-good neurochemicals dopamine and oxytocin.

“Kindness means showing care and compassion through your words, actions and intentions,” says Tew. “When we act with kindness, we can create meaningful relationships with others that can become joyful in good times and sources of support through difficult times.

“Small moments of kindness like writing small notes, remembering to check in on someone during a stressful time or taking the time to truly listen when someone is talking can go a long way,” she continues. “This goes hand-in-hand with forgiveness and generosity, all of which form the foundation of good mental health.”

Acceptance

Acceptance is the willingness to acknowledge there may be aspects of our lives that we cannot change and that the emotional ups and downs associated with this are normal and healthy.

“Research suggests that serenity – learning to resist the tendency to wish things were different – can help reduce suffering, increase emotional regulation and improve relationships,” says Cavallo.

“To foster this sense of acceptance, reflect on any patterns of resistance when emotions are stirred up, or we become preoccupied with negative thinking,” she says. “Practice sitting with the discomfort this may generate rather than allowing yourself to be driven entirely by emotion.”

Life will always have challenges. It is resilience which gives us the capacity to bounce back from setbacks and begin to move forward towards happiness again.

There are small ways to build up your ability to do so. “Emotional awareness – such as learning to name and process your emotions – is important in becoming more resilient,” says Tew. “Breaking overwhelming challenges into smaller chunks will make them feel more manageable. Being able to set boundaries and prioritising genuine rest will give your mind and body a chance to recover.” Resilience is best with social support, she adds. “That means being able to ask for and accept help during times of struggle will help you to find your way back to solid ground.”

Self-compassion

Take a moment to listen to your inner dialogue. Convinced you could be doing a better job in work, or that you need to lose some weight or that you aren’t a good enough parent?

“It can be easy to be our own worst critics, governed by unrealistic expectations or perfectionism,” says Cavallo. “Self-compassion is a crucial happiness skill to foster as it can reduce negative self-talk, combat inner criticism and build emotional resilience.”

While it might sound like a cliché, imagine that you are talking to a friend. “How would you respond to them, and can you apply the same principles to yourself?” she says. “Explore and write down some affirmations that fit for you.” These are positive statements about yourself that you know to be true. If you find that difficult, just start with “I’m trying my best”.

“Journaling can help you notice patterns,” she adds, “such as when you are most vulnerable to your inner critic and what you find most helpful to move away from this.”

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Purpose is what gives our life meaning – which is one of Seligman’s fundamental pillars of happiness.

“It gives us the feeling that we are able to contribute in a way that matters and gives us direction, hope and confidence,” Tew says. “Our purpose may change over time, but it is often closely linked to our values and with the activities that make us feel most engaged and alive.”

While some people are lucky enough to work in a vocational job which fulfils their purpose, others might find it through raising a family, for instance, or volunteering. “Taking some time to reflect on what is important to you, what makes you feel most fulfilled and what you’d want others to say about you at the end of your life can help to bring clarity to your purpose,” she says. “Then actively make space for it.”

Playfulness

Playfulness is not just for children – it is vital for happiness because it stimulates endorphins, helps to reduce stress and promotes positive emotions.

“It is an important building block of good mental wellbeing because it allows you to break out of overthinking, sparks creativity and can make daunting situations feel less intense,” Tew says. “If you’ve noticed you’ve become all work and no play, add some small changes into your day – spot shapes in clouds while waiting for the bus, put on your favourite music while cooking your dinner or play word association games with a partner.”

It might even just being a little more spontaneous. “Playfulness isn’t about specific activities but about bringing openness and curiosity into your interactions with the world,” she says.

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