We've all been there—you've had a bad day, someone asks you how you're doing and, suddenly, you realize you've been complaining for the past few minutes straight. Maybe the person you're speaking with begins to fidget or you're met with awkward silence at the end of your rant, and you wonder if you just made a mistake unloading all of that on them. If you worry that you might be guilty of oversharing or "emotional dumping," you're not alone. And while it is healthy to acknowledge your negative feelings instead of ignoring them, there are certain ways to vent without annoying anyone, according to a Columbia-trained psychiatrist.Parade aims to feature only the best products and services. If you buy something via one of our links, we may earn a commission.Dr. Judith Joseph, MD, MBA, author of High Functioning (April 8), tells Parade that millions of us around the world are "pathologically productive," and tend to "overwork and overproduce to distract from negative emotions."Because "constant mental stress leads to poor physical and mental health outcomes," unpacking and processing feelings is important. However, as Dr. Joseph explains, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to vent to others, and she recommends asking yourself two questions before unloading on a friend. Plus, she shares how to best respond when someone is venting to you.Related: 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You're 'Too Sensitive'
According to Dr. Joseph, the key is to ask yourself two questions.
"You have to pick one person—not an army—to vent to," Dr. Joseph tells Parade. "Also, be mindful of venting to someone who has the capacity to hear your complaints. Could there be emotional fallout if, for example, you vent how small your bonus was this year to your friend who is struggling to make ends meet? Is it insensitive to complain about how overwhelming your kids are to your friend who may be struggling with infertility?"
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Ask 'Did I Ask Permission?'
"Your therapist is a professional that you’re paying to listen to you, and group therapy has rules around sharing built in," Dr. Joseph says. "In a friendship, you need a green light to unload. You might say, 'Do you have a moment to listen to what happened to me this morning?' or 'Please let me know if this becomes too much for you.' You can also watch for clues that the other person may feel you’re dumping on them. Perhaps they look uncomfortable or they’re not offering any significant feedback or suggestions. Asking for permission is important because studies around venting shows that empathy helps the venting experience have better outcomes and demonstrates compassion."
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How To Respond to Someone Who's Venting
"Ask them if they learned anything," Dr. Joseph recommends.
"To avoid trauma dumping, you have to hold space for getting feedback from the other person to help you gain insight into your situation," she continues. "So, make sure you are giving feedback so that they are venting with intention. This isn’t a one-way conversation. You should be listening to the other person’s questions and receiving the feedback they have, especially if you’re talking to a professional."
So, don't be afraid to dig deep with your friend."Studies reveal that venting is more effective when the person you are talking to challenges you and gives you constructive feedback, because if the person is not challenging you back then you will likely not get the most out of the conversation," Dr. Joseph explains.
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We know how important it is to process through the bad, but it's equally as necessary to acknowledge and celebrate the good in your life—as well as in the lives of your loved ones.
"When you have a win, celebrate it in the moment by acknowledging it to yourself—don’t just go to the next project," Dr. Joseph shares. "Take a moment to reward yourself by taking a break, getting water or connecting with a loved one. When we condition our brains to move on and not acknowledge wins, this makes us numb to these experiences and this is a lost opportunity to experience joy. This is why many people who are champions have anhedonia [AKA a lack of interest and pleasure in things] and feel numb to their wins. They don’t take the time to savor the journey, because they are only focused on the destination."
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Source:
Judith Joseph, MD, MBA, author of High Functioning, is a Columbia-trained psychiatrist and the founder of and chief investigator at Manhattan Behavioral Medicine, New York City’s premier clinical research site, a clinical assistant professor in child and adolescent psychiatry at NYU Langone Medical Center in Manhattan, and chairwoman of the Women in Medicine Board at Columbia University’s Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons. She was awarded by the US House of Representatives with a 2023 Congress Proclamation Awardfor her social media advocacy and mental health research. In 2024, she was named a top 6 NAACP Mental Health Champion. Read More Details
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