Gwyneth Paltrow has always been ahead of the curve. This is a list of just some of the things she’s been doing since before they were cool: drinking raw milk, making bone broth, healing her inner child, wearing greige, steaming her vagina, breaking up with Brad Pitt. She founded her wellness brand Goop in 2008, before aesthetic-driven Instagram was even a twinkle in Silicon Valley’s eye; it’s easy to forget that almost a decade before that she won the Best Actress Oscar for her role in Shakespeare in Love.
This is why, despite her being the poster girl for everything New Age – crystals, energy healing, jade yoni eggs – she is, in fact, resolutely old-school. As much as her brand of louche Hollywood glamour and her determination not to give a DIY-coffee-enema what anyone thinks does, in many ways, make her annoying, it is also refreshing, harking back to a simpler time when celebrities were celebrities and normal people were normal people. Unlike many of her contemporaries, Paltrow is not interested in being likeable or relatable. She seems mainly to be interested in doing, to borrow a phrase from Peep Show’s Jeremy Usborne, “whatever mad thing [she] wants” – and it’s this that makes her so beloved.
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Read MoreYesterday Paltrow featured in a long profile with Vanity Fair in the run-up to the release of her new film, Marty Supreme, in which she apparently has a lot of sex with Timothée Chalamet (“There’s now something called an intimacy coordinator, which I did not know existed,” she said). In the piece, she wafts around her mansion in shearling clogs chatting about the impact of celebrity gossip on your share prices and the psychological roots of ambition. While Paltrow is not immune to sharing intimate details of her life – sometimes a little too literally; c.f. the infamous vagina candle – she somehow maintains the distance required for us to feel like she’s still a proper star.
Those pampered celebrities who strive for relatability often appear misguided and patronising. Her Montecito neighbour Meghan Markle, for example, has been almost universally panned for her Netflix lifestyle show With Love, Meghan which, on its beige linen surface, feels pretty Goopy. (Paltrow told Vanity Fair she hadn’t seen the show but that when “there’s noise about certain women in the culture, I do have, always, a strong instinct to stand up for them”.) But Meghan’s insistence that anyone can throw together her insanely intricate hosting plans, homemade bath bombs and edible flower salads makes us feel we should be having a go, when in fact – for reasons related to money, time or not being arsed – we shouldn’t, and can’t.
In her new Netflix show, Meghan Markle tries too hard to be “just like us” (Photo: Netflix via AP)Paltrow, by contrast, has never attempted to seem like one of us. Where Meghan’s brand of wellness makes us feel stifled – like there is something wrong with us if we don’t employ someone to keep our bees or add citrus to everything – Paltrow’s simply makes us laugh. Goop’s products and suggestions are so ridiculous they are almost inspiring. Hair dye for dogs? Leather chaise longues? A $15,000 vibrator plated in 24 karat gold? We’ll take the lot!
Celebrities, I know you’re out there. Let this be a lesson to you all. We don’t care if you’re relatable, or a role model, or a good host. As long as you’re not doing anyone any harm, all your loyal subjects want is for you to be as weird as possible.
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