Dating is currently undergoing a PR crisis, rivalling that of Gen Z. Over just the last week, articles entitled “Why are young men so hopeless at dating”, “Sick of dating apps? Here’s how to quit them” and, “Where is modern love going wrong?” were published by Vox, GQ and Sky News. They were all written by women and, I think it’s fair to assume, largely aimed at women.
For the first time, dating apps are losing people. The bizarreness of modern dating is perhaps best summarised by a meme I see crop up every now and then: “Us girls will seriously text each other, ‘OK I’m about to meet this guy allegedly named Kyle at this location. Here’s his Facebook profile in case he murders me.’ And they reply, ‘OK girl! Have fun!’”
Now obviously online dating can lead to a range of bad scenarios, ranging from the most innocuous (he didn’t ask a single question), to the more sinister (he made me feel unsafe). But is such negativity always warranted? On my 30th birthday last year, I flicked open my Hinge to find men actually hadn’t vanished as I’d been told they would when I turned 30 – and was genuinely shocked.
To be clear, I’m not embarking on a “meninist” defence: I tend to think there is more poor behaviour from men who date than there is from women. But I wonder if the ways in which dating is bad for women have been particularly distorted.
I’ve certainly been guilty of distorting. I used to compulsively screenshot absurdities I saw on men’s dating app profiles (one man responded to the prompt the app offers, “I go crazy for…”, with “clean, hygienic people. Sad I have to say that”). I’d share them, anonymised, as an Instagram story, supposedly for the humour.
Acquaintances I bumped into would mention, eyes widened with second-hand horror, how my Instagram gave them an insight into how awful modern dating was. Sometimes, this came as a surprise because I was kind of enjoying dating.
But of course, I never shared on social media the times when I laughed all evening with someone, but we agreed we didn’t have a spark, or those affirming instances of mutual attraction, which were more special for only lasting a night.That would not only be icky, but smug – and break single girl conduct: you can’t say that, actually, you’re having an OK time dating.
Instagram accounts such as @beam_me_up_softboi , to which women send their most unhinged online interactions, are used as a byword for modern dating. We forget they feature profiles which are the exception rather than the rule.I realised that my own screenshotting was partly a defence mechanism. It conveyed that I found dating stupid and was above it. By focusing on screenshotting I could opt out mentally – but in the process I forgoed the chance to swipe past that profile which wasn’t for me, and onto someone I might have been interested in.
When I learned, on first dates, to dim what I call my headlights – my silent discernment for amber or beige flags – qualities like charisma and confidence sprung forth from the other person. Rather than feeling cheated when someone wasn’t as vivacious or handsome as I’d hoped, I tried to remember people generally have good intentions, to view dating as a giant inflatable obstacle course we’re all on; an enjoyable challenge of trying to find our person. I’d been assuming people were trying to piss me off by not being who I thought they’d be.
That isn’t to reduce the complexity of dating to Mollie-Mae manifesting “you attract what you believe” speak. But no one’s going to bring their best self, when you’re low-key glowering, and acting like you’re expecting the worst.
I have finally found my first best friend – aged 30
Read MoreAll that said, I think technology has accelerated and intensified negative aspects of dating that were always present. It’s easier to treat someone poorly either by sending an inappropriate message or ghosting, because you are often interacting with an avatar of them. Not only that, but you are coming into contact with hundreds of virtual people – so the way you treat someone feels less important, and the rejections experienced are multiplied.
But I’ve also found that the more we date, the easier it is to inure ourselves to these difficulties. Especially if we adjust our expectations that dating should be a breeze. An odd superstition that hangs around women, to the extent I used to believe it and still hear it, is that you shouldn’t pursue love – it happens if and when it’s supposed to. And yet, studies show who you form a relationship with is the most important decision you can make for your happiness, your career and everything else. My response to the cliché that “it happens when you least expect it”, is the other cliché: how are you going to meet someone if you stay at home?
It’s also worth noting that men have terrible experiences dating, too – they just share them less. A few days ago, a meta-analysis of 50 studies found men are most likely to yearn for a partner, fall faster in love, and suffer post break-up. Earlier this month, experts suggested that men’s fear of giving women “the ick” was causing a male mental health crisis. Us women might be judged on our looks – but we are still generally found more attractive by men than vice-versa. And, unlike men on the dating scene, we have nothing to fear from being short, or the possibility of losing our hair.
Above all, we should put the current dating landscape in context. Previous generations of women married someone from the village, often for reasons other than romance. Now we have far more choice, it’s bound to be trickier.
Indeed, I try to remember that my parents and much of my family have had arranged marriages. Dating’s no walk in the park – but I’d choose it time and time again over the alternative.
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