I have always admired the French. Baguettes, Breton striped tops, liberal use of garlic and a lax attitude towards smoking are all deeply appealing to me. But perhaps most desirable of all is their ability to not give a merde what anyone thinks of them.
It’s an attitude exemplified perfectly by French president Emmanuel Macron who has announced a new pricing structure for Paris’s museums. Speaking earlier this week to announce a revamp of the Louvre (the Mona Lisa is getting her own room) he said that visitors from non-EU countries will from next January be charged a higher entry fee, which would fund the museum’s facelift.
Obviously this didn’t go down well with anyone who either hates the French or voted for Brexit (and I think the groups of those two people would pretty much be one circle if you were looking at a Venn diagram).
There have been plenty of complaints from the expected online factions about the unfairness and the lack of fraternité from Macron. But let’s face it, he’s right. Not just because it’s quite rock and roll to fund a museum revamp with foreign money, but because we Brits deserve to pay more when we go abroad because, let’s face it, we’re awful.
It’s not that I’m unpatriotic – I love the UK – I’m just fully aware of how much the rest of the world doesn’t share my enthusiasm, and what we’ve done to earn that. We are dreadful. A cursory Google will show you literally thousands of stories about Brits abroad, about our drinking, our sense of entitlement to cultural landmarks, our poor ability to speak any language other than English and our ability to create an escalation with local police.
Last time I was in Paris, a few months ago, I spent half a day wandering the Musee d’Orsay. Every single Brit I observed there was not looking at the pictures with their eyes, but exclusively through the camera on their phone. In lots of cases, they were chatting loudly (in English) while taking pictures of themselves with the pictures.
Is it any wonder the French want us to pay more, if we’re going to galleries full of some of the greatest works of art in human history and snapping them for Instagram without taking a second to absorb the actual image?
I don’t believe the bluster about Macron’s “unwelcoming” pricing policy putting tourists off. When did the Parisians ever want us to feel welcome before?
Our relationship with the French is like a pair of sisters. They’re the cool older sister who doesn’t want anything to do with us, and we’re the desperate younger sibling who just wants to be allowed to join in.
How to not look like a tourist in Paris
Read MoreI already pay a British tourist tax when I go to Paris, largely in the form of dramatically over tipping at every restaurant in a very transparent attempt to make grumpy French waiters love me.
I also try to speak French as little as possible so they don’t notice my accent, and follow dozens of French fashion influencers so that I might at least look like I’m not from the UK if I don’t open my mouth.
I’ve occasionally been asked by a French person if I’m German or Spanish and regarded it as an absolute triumph of espionage. I don’t want people to know that I’m English when I’m abroad because my nationality is synonymous with being rude, ignorant and gauche.
To make a serious point which isn’t about garlic or striped T-shirts (no matter how much I love both), I admire Macron’s gumption. We decided (or at least, a fractional majority decided) that we didn’t want to be in the EU anymore, so we’re not in it. And that means we don’t get the benefits of being part of it. As a country who has historically enjoyed getting our own way, I can’t help but think it’s probably rather good for us to have to reap what we sow.
All of that said, my desire to emulate the French doesn’t stop at serving enormous portions of chocolate mousse after a meal, though. I think we’d do well to emulate Macron and start charging tourists who come to the UK in much the same way. Charging a small fee – known as a city tax – like they do in Paris, Venice, Florence, Seville and so many other cities, to anyone who comes to the UK.
I doubt it would put anyone off visiting, and it would go some way to compensating for the sea of rucksack wearing European teenagers clogging up the platform at Camden, the starry eyed Americans dragging suitcases down the wrong side of the escalators and whoever it is that slows down to 10mph on the A303 to get a look at Stonehenge. Because yes, the Brits can be unbelievably annoying abroad – but we’re absolutely not the only ones.
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