Were rules made to be broken? Perhaps. However, what happens when they're broken can become teachable moments, one of the many benefits of setting them for your kids."Setting house rules creates structure and stability and teaches a child about boundaries and ways to set them when navigating the outside world and interactions with others," says Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, Psy.D., LPC-S, a psychologist who works with children, adolescents and families with Thriveworks. "It teaches them that rules exist and need to be followed or there will be consequences inside and outside the home."Dr. Vaughan says this prepares kids to engage in the real world while creating a sense of security.Other perks of rules? "Promoting healthy behaviors, reducing the likelihood of conflict and teaching them the importance of following rules in other areas of their lives," she explains. Here, Dr. Vaughan shares the 10 house rules she recommends parents and grandparents set with children and tips on implementing and enforcing them.Related: 5 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying
Bullying can cause lifelong scars."It’s crucial to not only discourage this kind of behavior but also to teach them to stand up against bullying when they see someone else being abused and immediately alert their parent/teacher or other authority figure," Dr. Vaughan explains.
Dr. Vaughan says this rule feels small, but it's an important habit to instill in children (and helps you)."Letting a parent know when they have used the last of the toilet paper, eaten the last pack of gummies or drank the last bit of milk helps the parent know that something needs to be added to the list and reduces chaos in the household, especially on more hectic days," she shares. "This can also help teach kids what goes into running the house and just how much parents have to think about."Related: 12 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to an Oldest Child
Use it, don't abuse it and return it."If you borrow or utilize a common household item or something that belongs to someone else in the home, put it back in the same place and in the same condition you found it," Dr. Vaughan says. "This ensures that your child considers what belongs to others."It also builds trust and ensures everyone can find what they need and want, reducing frustration.
4. If you make a mess, clean up after yourself
Dr. Vaughan stresses that this habit is essential to develop early. "It will not only help you as a parent, but it will help your child well into adulthood so they don’t develop the characteristic of disorganization and be perceived as sloppy," Dr. Vaughan says. "Though you may offer assistance in this area, reinforcing is important."
This rule teaches the importance of respect for other people's property."It needs to be explained that to borrow something without asking is perceived as stealing regarding the intent," Dr. Vaughan explains. "If this is not taught and reinforced in the home, children will think it is OK to take from people outside of the house without asking and earn them a poor reputation. People will not trust them."Related: 12 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Stop Saying to a Youngest Child6. Maintain proper hygiene
This one isn't about shaming kids for natural bodily odors that can build up during sports but rather about teaching the significance of self-care."When life becomes hard and stressful, the first thing to go is hygiene," Dr. Vaughan shares. "When this rule is reinforced in childhood, it will teach them that this is necessary no matter how challenging life may become."
Dr. Vaughan says this rule can include basic manners like:Waiting your turn to speakSaying "please" and "thank you"Remembering that "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all" is still relevant even in a world of keyboard warriors
"It is important for children to understand these rules early so they will not be characterized as being rude—especially in today’s society as they grow up and have access to social media," Dr. Vaughan says.
8. Respond when someone is talking to you
This one can be hard not to break for age-appropriate reasons."Children can sometimes be so caught up in their imaginary worlds they may not hear you when you’re talking to them," Dr. Vaughan says. "Teenagers sometimes ignore out of anger and annoyance."Still, working on it with your children and teens is worthwhile. "Not responding when someone is talking to you can make you seem rude and disrespectful," Dr. Vaughan says. "They should be taught that if they do not want to interact with someone, they should respectfully communicate that and request to be excused from the situation to regulate their emotions or calm down when needed."Related: 13 Things Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to a Middle Child
We've all lied at one point, but that doesn't mean lying is something to promote. As a caregiver, it's crucial to establish a rule and foster an environment that reduces the temptation to break it."Children begin to lie between the ages of four to six," Dr. Vaughan says. "Teenagers tend to lie out of self-preservation. Parents need to create a safe space for children to be honest so they don’t keep dangerous secrets or lie about serious situations."10. Knock before entering a room
Even seemingly common courtesies must be taught."Children should understand the importance of physical boundaries and personal space," Dr. Vaughan says. "This is something they will eventually need to maintain for themselves. It is essential that they learn to set this boundary for themselves and in respect of others."
Related: You Might Be Surprised at What's Considered 'Free-Range Parenting'—What To Know About the Controversial Style
How To Implement and Enforce Rules
As obvious as it sounds, kids will only know the rules if you communicate with them."Make sure to keep rules simple and age-appropriate. You can’t expect them to follow what they don’t understand," Dr. Vaughan says. "Explain why a rule should be included and what makes it important to reinforce clarity and understanding."Dr. Vaughan adds that it's healthy to include children in setting house rules. Once everyone knows the rules, she suggests posting them on the refrigerator door so they can be seen and reflected on daily.2. Offer positive reinforcement discerningly
Dr. Vaughan says positive reinforcement can help establish behaviors. However, she recommends using it sporadically to avoid setting an expectation that a child will always receive a reward for doing the right thing."They must learn it is important to do the right thing even when no one is looking," she explains. "This offers the opportunity to teach the characteristic of integrity as well. It’s important to reinforce a desire to do what is right simply because it is right, not because we will receive some reward."When giving a reward, Dr. Vaughan suggests using words of affirmation, physical affection (like hugs) and quality time rather than physical items.Related: 11 Things a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Doing
Rules will get broken."When rules are not followed, it is important that the consequence matches the 'crime' and should make logical sense to the child," Dr. Vaughan says. Dr. Vaughan stresses it's important to dole out consequences calmly."Set clear expectations and explain the significance of the rule that was broken," she says. "You want to address the act or behavior that broke the rule, not attack the child's character. Utilize 'I' statements to identify vulnerable emotions generated by the child violating the rule and what you would like to see them do differently in the future."4. Follow through on consequences
Mean what you say so that kids understand that the rules are the rules."It is essential to follow through with the consequences you have set and the period you’ve agreed on," Dr. Vaughan says. If you say no gaming for two weeks, stick to that, no less.
"Finally, you want to make sure you give them an opportunity to correct the behavior or rectify the situation to show that all hope is not lost and they can learn from their mistakes and poor choices," Dr. Vaughan says. While it may not get them their gaming console back before two weeks are up, it might mend any harmed relationships, which has longer-term benefits (like a person to game with soon). 6. Model
Dr. Vaughan advises parents and grandparents to ensure the rules are fair, consistent and applicable to everyone, including grown-ups."The best way to lead and teach is by example," Dr. Vaughan says. "Therefore, it is important for you as the parent to follow these rules too. This will also help to reinforce a feeling of respect from your child."Can you tell a child not to bully or communicate respectfully if you engage in daily Facebook fights about politics that quickly devolve into name-calling? The good news is that owning up to when you break a rule and discussing how you'll do better next time sets an example and serves as a way to repair.
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Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
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Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, Psy.D., LPC-S, a psychologist who works with children, adolescents and families with Thriveworks Read More Details
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