An Indiana man wrote his own unexpectedly hilarious obituary before he died — an ending he says should come as no surprise to those who knew him, but the message also came with a few final wishes.
“I am completely dead now,” the obituary began. “I am surprised that it took this long to happen. I had several close calls throughout my lifetime. I guess that I was just lucky that something didn’t get me long before now.”
Gary Wolfelt died at the age 72 following “a long series of events and mishaps” that he believes should have taken his life “long before now.” He goes on to detail a series of close calls for each decade of his life.
As a child, Wolfelt said he was the second baseman on the “most losing team in Little League Baseball history” when he lost sight of a fly ball in the sun and was struck in the head. Then there was the time in his twenties when he was kicked in the stomach by his sister’s horse.
“Any higher and my heart probably would have stopped,” he wrote. “Any lower and I probably would have been singing soprano for the rest of my life.”
In his thirties, Wolfelt was hit by a car while crossing the street. In his forties, he was working inside an old building when the building collapsed and a large brick chimney nearly crushed him, but missed.
In his fifties, he was knocked down 19 stairs at his office by a “couple of hundred pound concrete lined safe,” which landed on top of him and “pinned me to the floor.” And in his sixties, he fell off a scaffold and cracked his head on a concrete floor.
“But that one turned out to be a fortunate fall. Because it forced me to go visit my doctor, who I hadn’t seen in three years and while I was there, he determined that I had prostate cancer (early enough to be treated),” Wolfelt wrote. “I had just dodged another bullet. But then in my early seventies that treatment failed and I had to have my prostate surgically removed. The surgery went well. But then I developed an internal leak that nearly killed me. One more close call late in life!”
According to reports, Wolfelt, who was owner and president of Wolfelt Electronic Security for more than two decades, ultimately passed in a plan crash in Ohio on May 5.
“I cannot tell you here what sort of event actually killed me as I wrote this obituary before I was completely dead. Someone else will have to fill in the details later on I guess,” Wolfelt wrote. “I really hate paying the Journal and Courier a lot of money just to let people who might be looking for me know that they can give up now. The chances are pretty good that you are not in my will anyway. So I will try to keep the rest of this obituary as short as possible.”
Wolfelt went on to offer a list of apologies to “anyone who I might have offended or mistreated, especially Anoma Hargis in the sixth grade.”
He spoke of his family, including his siblings, his wife and his beloved dogs.
“I never wanted a bunch of noisy little kids running around the house. So we had dogs instead. They hardly ever tried to bite me. So I guess that they must have liked me too. As a matter of fact, I liked our dogs better than I liked most people that I came into contact with throughout my lifetime,” he wrote. “Generally a dog will only bite you when you have it coming. This is not the case with many people. Hopefully if there is a life after death, I will end up with Esther and all of our dogs in a sunny field of tall grass with music playing all around me.”
Wolfelt then listed off his life’s “most important accomplishments,” which included things like cutting “about 100 cords of firewood.”
At this point, he transitioned to a more sentimental note.
“I would like to thank those of you who loved me while I was here on Earth. It really meant a lot to me. And I appreciate your letting me love you right back,” he said, adding, “Thanks for being there for me when I needed it the most. Good bye and Peace. I am hanging up now.”
But before officially signing off, Wolfelt made some final requests.
“PPS: In accordance with my wishes, there will be no funeral. I don’t want people coming by to look at me all dressed up and stretched out in an expensive box looking as bad as I will probably look in a completely dead condition,” he wrote. “In lieu of flowers, please keep the money and take yourself out for a nice dinner or do something nice for someone else. Maybe after a while some of my friends might get together and have a party on my behalf. I will try to remember to have a nice full size stand up cardboard cutout of me available for the event.”
A celebration of life is set to be help on May 19 at Duncan Hall in Lafayette. His wife requested that in lieu of donations, those looking to honor Wolfelt’s memory make a donation to an area animal rescue in his memory.
Read the full obituary here.
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