One person may need to make plans to make plans if the burden to do so always falls on the other partner to make the first move."Not bringing effort into a relationship is a clear sign of doing the bare minimum in that relationship dynamic," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "It indicates a person is not invested [and] does not particularly have stock in if the relationship succeeds or fails."Related: 13 Signs You're an 'Emotionally Unavailable' Person, According to Psychologists
2. Poor conflict resolution
Communication is a pillar of a healthy relationship. However, not all communication is equal. Dr. MacBride says partners doing the bare minimum often give short, practical answers with little energy to connect and dream together. For instance, when asked where and when they'd like to go on vacation, a person might say, "Somewhere warm and during the winter holiday break," moments after the other person shared their bucket list and why a snowy locale is meaningful."Communication and building dreams together are an important part of a relationship," Dr. MacBride explains. "Partners in a relationship deepen their connection by talking about many things, and sometimes nothing at all."
4. Emotional withholding
A person saying seemingly all the right things or performing grand gestures—like regularly picking up flowers on the way home—may be surprised to learn their partner feels they're doing the "bare minimum." However, Dr. MacBride shares it's a good time for self-reflection."Empty gestures of love are not a replacement for true, vulnerable connections," she explains. "If your relationship has become a series of gestures that feel performative, then ask yourself what is holding you back."Sure, a dozen roses are red and beautiful, but they're not a replacement for sharing that you're feeling blue because of recent layoffs at work (and perhaps acting distant from your partner as a result). There are still emotional withholding and communication issues involved here.
6. Not doing your part
Dr. Goldman explains that a lack of appreciation can mean not expressing gratitude or acknowledging someone else's efforts. "This can result in negative impacts for the underappreciated person, including sadness, questions about self-worth and nervousness about if they will be seen or appreciated," she says. "It is possible in unhealthy or toxic dynamics that a person will intentionally underappreciate someone for that person to 'up the ante' and engage in more and more behaviors with the hopes of achieving recognition and appreciation."However, she warns that a lack of appreciation can contribute to unhealthy and uneven power dynamics.
8. Lack of curiosity about a partner's inner world
What To Do if You’re in a Relationship With Someone Who Is Doing the Bare Minimum
Before making the effort to work on a relationship where someone is making little to no effort at all, decide whether you want to stay.Dr. Goldman advises people who decide to end the relationship to be clear, grieve and reflect on what they need to do to develop and maintain healthier relationships going forward.
2. Be reasonable and realistic
Dr. Smith explains that your partner may not know they aren't meeting your expectations."You want to make it clear what the expectations are so that the person has a chance to succeed," she says. It is not appropriate or fair to expect something from someone that has not been communicated. Let the person know you want or maybe even need something to be different."Related: 'I’m a Psychologist—Here’s the #1 Reason You Might Need Marriage Counseling'
1. Be curious
Opening the line of communication is critical. Dr. MacBride suggests getting vulnerable and 'fessing up to doing the bare minimum."It’s the kindest thing you can do—to let them know you noticed it too, even if you don’t have all the answers yet," she explains. "It can be a relief, but it can also open the door to feedback and understanding, which allows us to engage in that curiosity and find our way to a new balance."
3. Start small and stay consistent
Wait—Is It *EVER* OK To Do the Bare Minimum in Relationships?
"I'd say yes, but only temporarily and with communication," Dr. Schiff says. "Some moments in life, like during grief, illness or burnout, someone genuinely may not have more to give."Dr. Smith shares similar sentiments, adding that it's kind to give a person a heads-up if you know you're headed into a season that may mean you need to scale back how you approach a relationship. She suggests acknowledging that there will be a temporary change and that it will be less than usual, and recommends discussing how to do more before or after to balance things out if possible.Up Next:
Related: Is 'No Response' Actually a Response? How To Know, According to an Etiquette Expert
Sources:
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologistDr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisorDr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology PartnersDr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks Read More Details
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