If you asked me to describe the worst kind of “British” humour I’d have two words for you: Boaty McBoatface. As you will remember, probably while cringing, in 2016 the British public were invited to name a new polar research vessel for the British Antarctic Institute and this was the overwhelming winner.
The whole thing – a campaign spearheaded by the type of people who have “Follow Back Pro EU” in their screen names and still get misty-eyed about the London 2012 Olympics opening ceremony – was deeply embarrassing. Not because it was quite obviously an inappropriate choice; the poll was overruled, the ship christened the RRS Sir David Attenborough and the name Boaty McBoatface inherited by one in its fleet of submersibles. It’s because it was bland, not funny, and so failed to represent Britain at all.
The Bank of England appears to have forgotten this whole episode, as this week it announced plans to redesign our banknotes and has solicited the public’s help in doing so.
What’s the point, given most of us don’t notice who’s on them, we are moving ever closer to becoming a cashless society, and an expensive brand overhaul doesn’t feel like the best use of cash itself? It’s a good question. But as historical figures have been on the bank notes since 1970, and few women are represented, it’s hard to argue with the idea they’re due an update.
Victoria Cleland, the Bank’s chief cashier, has welcomed suggestions spanning architecture and landmarks; arts, culture and sport; noteworthy events in history; innovation and discoveries; and nature. I can already predict the big names.
Attenborough, obviously, Paddington, Macca, Bowie, Olivia Colman, Judi Dench, Louis Theroux, the Shard, the Angel of the North, the Eden Project, probably Captain Tom… “David Beckham’s right foot, David Beckham’s left foot, come to that”.
All are unifying in that they are obvious, benevolent and inoffensive (the criteria for these figures or symbols is that they should be “enduring and not divisive”, which rules out Gary Lineker for the time being).
Capturing a national identity isn’t easy. One person’s British pride is another’s jingoistic nightmare. Few events have made me feel more patriotic than when during the Euro 2020 final between England and Italy, a yob memorably drank 20 cans of cider, stuck a flare up his bum and stormed Wembley. But I do accept that for some that was a point of national shame and probably not quite right for a bank note.
So what would I pick? What represents the best of us? What unites us? What indisputably screams “Blighty” and could not be mistaken for the culture of anywhere else? The Bank of England says it will only canonise the dead, and not feature any figures still alive – but here are the living legends who I think deserve their face on a bank note:
Let’s start with Danny Dyer – specifically, Danny Dyer “bowling about” in a ruff after discovering he was a direct descendent of King Edward III, William the Conqueror and Thomas Cromwell. Funny, ridiculous, straight-talking, clever, surprising and talented.
The England football teams – both the men, because players like Marcus Rashford and Bukayo Saka are a diverse, exemplary new generation who work hard on the pitch and are a force for good off it, and the women, whose triumphs have changed women’s sport in this country forever.
Wallace and Gromit – odd, imaginative, human, even though they’re made out of clay. Chris Packham – ideally surrounded by some unsung woodland creatures at grave risk of extinction.
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Noel Gallagher – because there are few celebrities more entertaining, and who better define an era. And because whether you like it or not, the Oasis reunion is about to define the summer (and sticking both brothers on a banknote together could age badly).
Claudia Winkleman – because for all its controversy Strictly’s still the most special thing on TV and she is the sharpest talent the BBC’s got. And on the subject of the BBC, David Olusoga – because mark my words, he’s its future.
Adele – probably the best and most beloved British artist of our generation, a good time girl and with a right good gob on her, too. Kate Moss – by contrast mostly silent, but I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t love and long for her imperfect, playful, don’t-give-a-shit, impossible cool. Oxford Street Topshop. The Sycamore Gap tree. Moira Stewart. Helen Fielding. Nigella Lawson.
And lastly, Smithy’s curry order from Gavin & Stacey, which in 2009 encapsulated the British sensibility better than any great work of literature: chicken bhuna, lamb bhuna, prawn bhuna, mushroom rice, bag of chips, keema naan and nine poppadoms, eaten alone while having a strop in the car.
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