Asking Eric: Asking Eric: Uncle’s ‘joking’ text to niece offends mom ...Saudi Arabia

Dear Eric:

I’m married with four kids and have a sizable extended family. One son, who is in seventh grade, runs track and finished the season with personal records in his events, which also happen to place second in his school’s all-time best records.

I sent out a family text to all of our extended family raving about his achievements. This is common amongst all of the aunts and uncles.

We got a load of congrats. However, my husband’s brother side-texted my eldest daughter, “tell your brother to stop being first loser.” (He did not text any “congrats” to the group text.)

My daughter showed me the text and chuckled. I’m not sure if she showed my son.

I’m so deeply angry about this. I know that everyone will tell me he was joking. Or that I’m misinterpreting his meaning. I just cannot get over it.

My initial feeling is to keep my son as far away from his uncle as possible for the rest of his life. My second feeling is to call said uncle to tell him he is a complete loser himself (which would be super biting as he just got laid off, has to sell his house and downsize everything).

I know I won’t do either but I am having a hard time imagining being around him this summer as our families usually get together each summer for a few days.

How do I express by complete disdain for his comments without upsetting the entire extended family? Am I being oversensitive?

– Second to None

Dear Second:

Not every “joke” is funny and it’s often quite difficult to discern tone and context over text, so this message to your daughter lands in last place for me. No participation trophy. But I think escalating may do more harm than good.

You might ask your daughter if he and she regularly text. Perhaps this was something of an inside joke, a way to blow off the steam of sibling rivalry. That doesn’t make everything fine, but it could give you more insight into your daughter’s life.

You’re trying to be a good and protective parent for all of your kids, which is commendable. Unfortunately, we can’t always moderate the ways others interact with our loved ones.

So, I’m glad you won’t be keeping your son away from his uncle for life or calling the uncle to give him an earful. The good thing is he didn’t send anything to your son, or to the group chat, directly. So, talk your feelings over with your husband or another family member – it’s likely this also bruised your feelings, as someone who is proud of your son. See if you can chalk this up to weird behavior that wasn’t to your taste, but didn’t cause any harm.

Dear Eric:

I’m worried about a good friend of mine. He hits the bars, drinking heavily, and then drives home. The next morning, he complains of being hung over. When he drives, he goes 30 mph in a twisty 15 mph zone, with one hand on the wheel. Should I call him on this behavior? If so, how do I go about it?

– Concerned Friend

Dear Friend:

Yes, you should call him out. And during the callout let him know that if he doesn’t stop, your next call will be to the authorities. He’s taking his life in his hands and, even more gravely, endangering anyone who is unlucky enough to cross his path. In a world where taxis, rideshares, designated drivers and old-fashioned walking exist, there is no excuse for this. Even if none of those options were workable for him, drinking heavily and getting behind the wheel of a car is never acceptable and never an option.

Tell it to him straight. This is dangerous behavior, it needs to stop, and if he needs help managing his drinking, you’re there for him, but you won’t abide drinking and driving. Don’t wait until the next time it happens. You can do it today. “You’ve told me about a couple instances of heavy drinking, followed by driving and speeding. This is illegal, it could have deadly consequences, and it needs to stop right now.”

According to the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration, in the United States on average a person dies in an alcohol-related crash every 42 minutes. This figure doesn’t even take into account injuries caused by alcohol-impaired driving, property damage or the emotional devastation that can result from any of the aforementioned. All of it is preventable. If you’re out with your friend when he has had too much to drink, take their keys, offer a ride and/or call a cab. If he won’t listen to you, get help from friends, a loved one or the authorities. Just once is one time too many.

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(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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