12 Phrases That Make You Instantly More Assertive—Without Sounding Rude, Psychologists Say ...Saudi Arabia

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. We learn that fact in geometry, but it can apply to communication. A clear, straightforward statement or assertive phrase is sometimes necessary to get the point across.However, assertiveness can feel unnatural for some people, especially if they fear being considered "rude." Meanwhile, others may be too blunt and regularly cross the line, coming off as rude and disrespectful in the name of assertiveness. But psychologists stress there's a difference between assertiveness and rudeness."The difference between being assertive vs. rude is that being assertive means expressing your needs or boundaries clearly and respectfully, without being aggressive," says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist. "Rudeness, on the other hand, often dismisses others' perspectives, lacks empathy and uses tone to dominate. Assertiveness invites dialogue while rudeness shuts it down."If you've ever found yourself wondering how to firmly yet respectfully get your point across, you're not alone. To help explain further, Dr. Schiff and other psychologists open up and share 12 phrases to help you sound instantly assertive but not rude.Related: 15 Phrases To Disagree Respectfully, According to Psychologists

This phrase is excellent for sharing your intentions and framing matters as a team effort, points out Dr. Catherine Hormats, Psy.D., a psychologist, psychoanalyst and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor."Use it with people who have a history of being used, are skeptical or cynical or have trouble seeing a bigger picture," she suggests.Related: 7 Direct Phrases to Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Behavior, According to a Psychologist

2. "I hear what you’re saying, and I respectfully disagree."

Even in a polarized world where hot takes are the order of the day, it's possible to politely let someone know you don't see eye to eye. "There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with others," notes Dr. Jan Miller, Ph.D., licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. "The key to being assertive is how we share that we disagree. This phrase allows you to acknowledge that you’ve heard the other person’s point of view and share that you have a difference of opinion." 

Dr. Hormats shares that this line communicates your genuine preferences. However, the first part—about not challenging the person and wanting to remain authentic—softens the more direct ask that comes next, reducing the odds a person will feel defensive from the jump.She suggests using it when you're speaking to someone who is "suspicious, easily overwhelmed or generally feels unsafe when others differentiate themselves."

4. "I need more time to think about that."

Messaging apps for work and personal life, like Slack and WhatsApp, put pressure on us to respond immediately. However, that's not the rule in non-emergency situations."There are few instances in life where an immediate answer is actually needed, and giving yourself permission to take a minute, literally 60 seconds, to consider what you want isn’t too much," Dr. Miller says. "This phrase can be really helpful during job interviews or when you feel blindsided by a request."Related: 14 Behaviors to Ditch To Be a More Likeable Person, According to Psychologists

This one is for you, eldest daughters, people-pleasers and boundary-adverse types."This is a phrase that you can use when someone makes a request that you cannot take on. It is simple and direct, and doesn't over-explain," Dr. Schiff shares. "You are drawing a boundary without getting defensive."Related: 6 Ways Being a People-Pleaser Can Ruin Your Relationships, According to Therapists

6. "No."

It's a phrase and a complete sentence. "I remind people all the time that 'no'... does not require any further explanation and is not rude," Dr. Miller says.However, she does concede it can feel too short and not sweet enough for some, "especially women who have been socialized to be more cooperative."If you feel this way, she suggests tacking on two tactful words without losing polite firmness by saying, "No, thank you."

Dr. Schiff suggests using this phrase when you want to say no but are open to considering alternatives."It is non-confrontational, calm and gives the other person space to pivot and come up with something else," she says.

8. "I appreciate your offer, but I’m not interested."

Not all offers—however well-intentioned—are worth taking."Sometimes we can feel pressure to accept something, especially when it appears to be coming from a place of generosity or kindness," Dr. Miller says. "We may be afraid of offending or hurting the other person’s feelings. However, accepting something we don’t want could lead to waste and reinforce people-pleasing."This phrase kindly communicates "thanks, but no thanks."

Related: 11 Common Behaviors of Authentic People—and One Thing They *Never* Do, According to Therapists

Sticking up for yourself can feel hard. However, Dr. Miller stresses that being assertive is important, especially if someone is raising their voice or using aggressive language."That type of speaking style can shut us down, resulting in passive communication where we may people-please," she points out. "We may match their tone, loudness or language, which will likely escalate the situation."Enter the phrase, "Please don't speak to me like that.""This phrasing can be helpful as it sets the boundary in a clear and direct manner," Dr. Miller says. "It could be helpful to then use an 'I statement' for further clarity."For instance, she explains that you might follow the above phrase with, “When you raise your voice, it makes me feel afraid.”

10. "Let me stop you there."

In sports, timeouts don't mean "game over." The same is true for communication if you don't like where things are headed."This phrase is helpful when someone is overstepping, dominating or interrupting in a conversation," Dr. Schiff stresses. "It shows that you are not passive but can maintain professionalism. This can work well in a meeting in order to redirect or clarify."

Conversations can get tough, and deflecting or derailing is a common strategy to avoid having one. However, sometimes, working through an issue or continuing to discuss a challenging topic is essential. Dr. Schiff likes to use this assertive phrase in these situations."It keeps boundaries around the discussion in a polite way without escalating things," Dr. Schiff shares.

12. "Please don’t interrupt me because it makes me feel disrespected."

Getting interrupted is disorienting. You can assertively let someone know how you really feel without one-upping their rude behavior."This phrase will likely be more effective than raising your voice to speak over the person who is interrupting you," Dr. Miller says. "It is essentially an 'I statement' where you share how the person’s behavior—interrupting you—makes you feel disrespected. This phrasing sets a clear boundary while reminding the other person that listening is a sign of respect."Related: An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Stop This 'Rude' Habit During Small Talk

What *Not* To Say When You Want To Sound Assertive but Not Rude

Some phrases may sound assertive in your head but come off as rude when said aloud. Psychologists advise against anything that will put people on the defensive, and it only takes two words at the beginning of a phrase to do the trick. Dr. Miller doesn't recommend extreme generalizations, which generally kick off with phrases like "You always" and "You never.""People rarely always or never do something," she says. "A more assertive way of communicating is to focus on the specific behavior and how it has affected you."Dr. Hormats reports that "You should" has a similar effect."Most people strongly dislike being told what to do or how to be," she explains.Up Next:

Related: 8 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Rude Comments, According to Psychologists

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