This Just In — what to do on Mother’s Day used to be a very easy and straightforward thing for me. First, of course I would call my mother and chat with her on the phone for as long as we wanted.
Like so many I can’t do that anymore, though my first thought in contemplating the day is to remember my mother. I don’t need a special day to do that because memories of my mother are all around me.
It used to be that the primary activity that I would engage in on Mother’s Day for a treat was to go play a round of golf at Occaneechi golf course. At this time of year almost invariably there are Canada geese all over the course with their babies toddling behind them. One thing that’s glorious about playing on Mother’s Day is the simple fact that (unlike most Sundays) the golf course was usually nearly empty.
In 1994 I had nearly the whole family here and the Mother’s Day fun was to watch me march in my graduation from Carolina. That was a glorious gift to both of my parents. It meant much more to them than I expected.
For a couple of health reasons, golf is off the Mother’s Day menu this year, so I considered some alternatives.
Skydiving? Nope
Ziplining? Nope
Cave exploration? Uh … no.
No, I dared to do the thing that I’ve seldom accomplished in my adult life. I asked my children in very specific terms to come over on Saturday and help my husband and me with a project at our house.
It’s not complicated, but it involves moving some pretty big, pretty heavy pavers. So, out of an abundance of caution, I’ve asked my big strong sons to do the part of this project that is best accomplished by big strong people.
To review, I need help with something, and I asked my children to help me and told them specifically and exactly what I want them to do. That —and only that —is what I want for Mother’s Day.
I love having a delicious meal prepared for me but the fact is I get that pretty often.
Like many women, it doesn’t come naturally to me to ask for help. I drives me crazy to have trouble opening jars. Hoisting some pots and cast iron pans around has been challenging while recovering from shoulder surgery.
I am more likely than not going to be heard screaming a cloud of blue language to react to the blue screen of death on my PC-especially on deadline.
Of course, men can be just as stubborn as we are when it comes to asking for help with something, but for us the challenge can be very specific. Asking for something that is almost entirely just for me and just to make my life easier is surprisingly difficult.
It feels selfish. It feels self-indulgent. Even if it isn’t those things, it feels that way.
We all have things to work on. Being more patient in traffic. Trying to listen to people with opposing political views. Tolerating different ideas, but stopping short of tolerating abusive unhealthy behavior … these are all worthy goals.
As I get older, I think more and more about what it’s gonna be from me that stays with my grandchildren. You never know what the little ritual is the one that will stick with kids and that they’ll remember until they become grandparents.
Will it be particular foods or activities during an overnight stay? Will it be what we say when we part company?
Me: “See ya later, excavators!”
Boys: “After a while, dirt pile!”
I have many of those fond memories with my grandparents. After a week with them during spring break, they would tell my mother how well behaved I was and what a joy my visit was for them.
My mother would play along, feigning disbelief, that maybe they had picked up the wrong kid.
Solid advice from Maya Angelou about giving a speech applies here. They won’t remember what you say, just how it made them feel.
So if you’re fortunate to still have your mom available for Mother’s Day wishes or will be on the receiving end of them yourself, I hope all goes well.
Jean Bolduc is a freelance writer and the host of the Weekend Watercooler on 97.9 The Hill. She is the author of “African Americans of Durham & Orange Counties: An Oral History” (History Press, 2016) and has served on Orange County’s Human Relations Commission, The Alliance of AIDS Services-Carolina, the Orange County Housing Authority Board of Commissioners, and the Orange County Schools’ Equity Task Force. She was a featured columnist and reporter for the Chapel Hill Herald and the News & Observer.
Readers can reach Jean via email – [email protected] and via Twitter @JeanBolduc
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