Help, I'm a "Trauma Lurker" ...Middle East

I like to think I have good emotional processing skills. I mean - I've been in therapy since I was 20 (I'm 24, soon to be 25), and I know I'm not as anxious as I was when I first met my therapist. So, yeah, I think I have good coping skills. But in the name of self-awareness, I will admit that my favorite coping strategy is a bit unorthodox. That is, I don't find comfort in "normal" strategies like breathing techniques or exercises. No, I like to engage in trauma lurking, aka watching or reading people's traumatic experiences on social media.

Okay, I know that makes me sound horrible. But let me be clear, it's not that I feel delight in other people's pain. I just like reading or watching other people process similar experiences. For example, I was laid off, and so I like to read the layoffs Reddit forum or watch laid-off TikToks and see how people are reacting to their situations. (Hint: no one's doing too well.) But sometimes I wonder if I'm actually healing or making things worse - and whether anyone else relates to my guilty pleasure. This is where the experts come in.

Experts Featured in This Article:

Sean Leonard is a psychiatric nurse practitioner at Healthy Life Recovery.

Dina Rezvanipour is a spiritual educator and empowerment coach.

Is Trauma Lurking Normal?

Sean Leonard, a psychiatric nurse practitioner at Healthy Life Recovery, says trauma lurking isn't weird or off-putting. In fact, "seeking out others' similar traumatic experiences - whether through social media, online forums, or support groups - can be both comforting and validating," he explains. The thing about pain is that it can feel extremely isolating, which directly contrasts with our desire for connection. You just want to know that the breakup, layoff, or death in the family isn't a solitary experience. That you're not crazy for feeling weighed down with grief following a loss or embarrassed that your heart hasn't mended itself months after a breakup.

"Reading about others who have survived similar struggles can normalize emotions, reduce shame, and create a sense of connection, reinforcing the idea that they are not alone," adds Leonard.

Dina Rezvanipour, a spiritual educator and empowerment coach, agrees, noting that finding comfort in others validates your own emotions and feelings and gives you hope. Think of it like a virtual trauma dump session. Everyone gathers on Reddit or TikTok to discuss the worst thing to happen to them, so they'll feel better knowing that their life isn't that bad.

It's like group therapy, except it's anonymous and always online.

Risks of Trauma Lurking

That said, there can downsides to trauma lurking, Rezvanipour notes. For starters, doing it can keep you stuck in a victim mindset. Sometimes, you're so focused on feeling connected that you forget to actually process your pain.

I know this experience personally. When I went through my first friendship breakup, I trauma lurked on Reddit for hours, seeking the right words, the right story that would take away that empty, biting feeling inside. But really, all I was doing was prolonging the inevitable: my healing.

"Consuming others' pain without actively working through one's own emotions can lead to emotional stagnation," Leonard says. "In some cases, it may even retrigger trauma responses, deepen rumination, or reinforce a victim mindset rather than encouraging resilience and growth."

Many wouldn't admit it, but staying in a victim mindset feels damn good - mostly because it keeps your anger and upset alive. It makes you resistant to self-reflection and prevents you from learning the lessons life is throwing at you.

That's why Leonard recommends strategies that encourage active participation, like support groups, therapy, or even journaling, over trauma lurking. Being in tune with your emotions means processing them and feeling them - not mindlessly scrolling and passively consuming others' pain.

How to Be a Better Trauma Lurker

All this said, trauma lurking isn't totally off limits. Like Rezvanipour notes, it can help you feel less alone and more validated in your emotions and feelings. However, like most things, trauma lurking is healthy until it's not. If you find yourself constantly comparing your experiences to others, then perhaps you should put down the phone and engage in more emotionally active strategies. That can include therapy or journaling as Leonard suggested, or attending a wellness retreat, mediating, or engaging in movement, like walking or yoga.

Ultimately, while trauma lurking makes us feel really good, it doesn't do much for our healing. It can prevent us from moving forward, which hinders our emotional growth. Does this mean you should stop trauma lurking altogether? Um, no. I certainly am not going to stop. But maybe we all need to rely less on trauma lurking as a coping mechanism and just use it occasionally when feeling invalidated.

Plus, if trauma lurking has taught me anything, it's that I have years to go until I'm emotionally ready to quit therapy.

Melanie Curry is a New York-based freelancer who likes reviewing beauty products and writing about our complicated relationship with wellness. Prior to becoming a freelancer, she was the assistant editor at Cosmopolitan, covering lifestyle, wellness, and beauty. You can find her writing in Refinery29, Glamour, Betches, and more.

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