Psychologists often bemoan that one of the Internet's (many) destructive traits is the overuse and misuse of that very word—"toxic." Friends, family members and co-workers are often quickly labeled "toxic" and cut off for issues that are worth talking about, grown-up to grown-up. However, that doesn't mean harmful people don't exist, including toxic grandparents. And, when kids are involved, the stakes are often higher."Certain grandparents show toxic characteristics by displaying manipulative and harmful behavior toward their children and grandchildren," explains Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Ph.D.,a neuropsychologist. "This often creates division and discord, leading to uncomfortable or tense family gatherings."However, Dr. Hafeez—who's also the founder and director of Comprehend the Mind, which offers neuropsychological assessments for adults and children—warns that toxic behaviors can wreak havoc beyond an awkward yearly Thanksgiving dinner."Grandchildren may experience long-term trauma when toxic grandparents display emotional or physical abuse during extreme situations," Dr. Hafeez tells Parade. "Their destructive influence gradually causes a state of insecurity and confusion that blocks both emotional development and family harmony."In short, toxic grandparents aren't just a trend manufactured by social media. Understanding what one actually looks like can help you determine the next steps. Dr. Hafeez shares eight signs of toxic grandparents and how families can respond.Related: 8 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother and How To Heal—According to Psychologists
You may have zero desire to bring the grandparents on a family vacation. However, they're keen to take you down memory lane in what can best be classified as a guilt trip."They might use guilt to get what they want, such as saying, 'I raised you, so you owe me this,'" Dr. Hafeez says. "This tactic makes you feel obligated to do something you don't want to."Dr. Hafeez adds that guilt trips are a form of manipulation.Related: 7 Signs You Were Raised by an Emotionally Immature Father, According to a Psychologist
2. Plays favorites
Many parents and grandparents will say they don't have a favorite child or grandchild. However, actions speak louder than words, and toxic grandparents often play favorites for a reason."By favoring one child or grandchild over their siblings or relatives, division and jealousy are created throughout the family," she reveals. "This behavior can cause unhealthy competition."
You were unaware that you signed up to be on a reality competition TV show when you became a parent. Yet, a toxic grandparent will leave you feeling like you're consistently in the bottom two."If they frequently criticize how you parent, such as saying, 'You shouldn't let them do that,' it undermines your confidence as a parent," Dr. Hafeez shares. "It can cause you to second-guess your decisions and feel unsupported in your role."Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
4. Disrespects your partner
Your partner is your teammate and family, so it can be challenging when your family 20/10 disapproves."A toxic grandparent may undermine your relationship by making negative comments about your spouse or partner, causing tension and disrespecting the people you care about," Dr. Hafeez warns.
Life is a one-way street for some grandparents."Toxic grandparents often focus on their own wants and needs, ignoring yours completely," Dr. Hafeez says. "For example, they may demand your attention during stressful times without considering that you may need space or help."
6. Praises to mask criticism
This one can throw you for a loop. Compliments are welcome, but these have an edge and aren't meant to benefit you as much as the grandparent."They may praise you just enough to make their underlying criticism seem like advice," Dr. Hafeez shares.She says a common example of giving faint praise before damning you is, "You're great, but you could be better at this." "It's a tactic to keep you feeling like you're never enough," she says.Related: 8 Signs You Have Toxic In-Laws and How To Respond, According to Psychologists
"I'm sorry" is two little words that toxic grandparents can't manage to spit out."They might never offer an apology even after hurting your feelings or making a mistake," Dr. Hafeez says. "They reject responsibility for their actions and blame you for the problems."
8. Stresses that they're a limited-time offer
Speaking with toxic grandparents can feel like cleaning out your inbox on Black Friday. Time is of the essence—act fast! "[They're constantly] insisting you spend more time with them by reminding you that their time is limited and they won't always be here," Dr. Hafeez shares. "This statement can create stress because as much time as you do want to spend with them, you have other obligations."
How To Respond to Toxic Grandparents: 3 Tips
Yes, you're allowed to set consequences with your parents (or in-laws), even if it's a role reversal from childhood."It's important to outline consequences for toxic behaviors and follow through if those boundaries are crossed," Dr. Hafeez says. "Having consequences is not mean. Rather, it reinforces that disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated and helps maintain healthy boundaries."Related: 10 Things Every Kid Needs To Hear From Their Parents and Grandparents, Child Psychologists Say
2. Communicate regularly and openly
Communication is a critical pillar for any relationship, including adult child and parent ones."Communicating often and honestly is so important," Dr. Hafeez stresses. "This helps both the parent and grandparent to address issues early on, avoiding larger problems down the road."
3. Don't argue
This one is hard but worth it to keep your peace."Don't engage in arguing," Dr. Hafeez notes. "Otherwise, it's just going to cause more significant problems. A simple 'I don't think this is a productive conversation' can help steer things in a healthier direction.'"Up Next:
Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Asking These 10 Questions
Source:
Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Ph.D., neuropsychologist, founder and director of Comprehend the Mind. Read More Details
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