Miss Manners: What do I say to their implication that my grandchildren aren’t real? ...Middle East

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Between my husband and me, each of us married previously to other people, we have four children, 11 grandchildren and five great-grandchildren.

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We have been married to each other for almost 25 years. Six of the grandchildren and all of the great-grandchildren have been born during our marriage.

I am especially close to some of the grandchildren from his side of the family. But when I am with a group of friends and mention something about the kids, I am often asked which of them are my “real” grandchildren.

I find that question to be extremely rude, and I reply that we do not divide up grandchildren.

Is there a better way to answer this question? I have thought about asking why the person wants to know, or why it is important.

GENTLE READER: “They’re all very real, last I checked.”

What you need is an answer that shuts down that line of inquiry, and “Why do you want to know?” is not it. You will only get a response of “I was just curious,” which still leaves you in need of a presentable form of “Well, it’s none of your business.”

A quick-witted person might even come up with a different reason for their question — say, being intrigued by family resemblances — which would prolong the inquiry.

If it were Miss Manners, she would prolong it in a different way:

“Let me think,” she would say. “Well, Lily is certainly real. She is finishing college and going on to take a master’s. Kyle is taking a gap year, traveling in Asia, and he is real. Lauren is sort of doing that, too — taking a leave from her law firm while the triplets are babies, all very real. Jessica’s husband can work from home, so she went right back to work after each baby, and she’s realistic enough to make it work. Garvin is going into business for himself, which is scary but thrilling, and nothing if not real. Jordan is teaching high school; you can’t get more real than that. Andre even works for a reality show. Annabel works on AI in ways I don’t understand, but she tells me it’s the coming reality. Madison had a rough time for a while, but she plunged back into reality and is a wonderful mother and community activist.” And so on.

“But that’s the grandchildren. The children are retired or reaching retirement, and talking about what they really want to do now. And you’re probably wondering about the great-grandchildren! Let’s see: Olga, Oliver and Tommy — he’s named for my Tom — plus Zelda and Sam. Tom and I like to babysit, so we know they’re real, all right. Would you like to see them? I have some videos on my phone …”

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And so on, for as long as possible. Miss Manners can promise you that there will not be a shred of curiosity left in those formerly nosy questioners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am planning my 70th birthday celebration. I’d prefer cash or gift cards to other gifts. Is it OK to ask my invitees for money, since I don’t need anything else?

GENTLE READER: And they probably have money they don’t need, so they might as well give it to you?

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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