Whether you're approaching a mature age yourself, or you're caring for aging loved ones, it's normal to start thinking about what conversations you may need to have with family and friends, as well as what choices need to be made in the near future.Suzanne O’Brien, RN, world-renowned death doula and former hospice nurse understands this well, and her enlightening new book, The Good Death: Supporting Your Loved One Through the End of Life (March 18), covers topics from common diseases at the end of life, how caregivers can prevent burnout, funeral and burial options, and how to have peace of mind in areas like spirituality, finances, emotional health and more.While this subject might be intimidating to many, O'Brien believes one of the biggest misconceptions people have about dying is that it has to be scary and/or painful—instead, knowledge is power. And she writes that her book "is the next step in getting the word out about how to facilitate a good death for the people you cherish so much."To have a "good death" starts with having a good life, she emphasizes—so, the way you live each day has more of an impact on your last moments than you might realize. Below, O'Brien tells Parade the most common thing she hears from patients at the end of their lives.Related: Forever in Your Heart—75 Comforting Messages To Say to Someone Who Has Lost a Parent
Courtesy Suzanne B. O'Brien, RN
The most common sentiment shared? “I wish I had let myself truly live." "They regret living scared and not truly living, and now their time is over," O'Brien explains.Whether this sobering information, it may inspire us to live more boldly, go after our passions, work through our bucket lists and not be afraid of what other people might think about our decisions. The time is now!Keep reading for more questions answered by O'Brien about death, dying, hospice care and more.Related: 7 Phrases To Use When a Loved One Is Grieving, According to a Trauma Therapist
What are some of the biggest obstacles that get in the way of someone experiencing a “good death”?From a practical standpoint, planning ahead with where you would want to be at the end of life, who you want to care for you, and how you want to be treated.From an emotional standpoint, forgiveness. Forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others. Reaching a place of understanding and acceptance of all the things that happened in our lives. Forgiveness is the tool to do that and brings about enormous peace at the end of life allowing for a good death.Related: 5 Stages of Grief To Expect After You've Experienced Loss, According to a Trauma Therapist
What’s the #1 thing you wish people knew about death/dying? That it is not scary. That it can actually be a beautiful transition and experience.
What’s one thing you wish people knew about hospice care?That 98% of the hands-on end of life care is done by the family caregivers. That the hospice nurse is supposed to teach the family how to do the care. As a hospice nurse, I was there one hour once a week. I cannot teach families how to do end of life care in that short amount of time. This is where there is a huge breakdown in the current model and understanding.Related: 40 Bible Verses About Death That Give Comfort and Hope For What Is to Come
What are three questions you should ask loved ones before they reach end-of-life care, and why? When should those conversations take place, ideally?
What does quality of life mean to you? What brings your day joy? When those things are no longer attainable, it is time for tight symptom management (not trying to fix it ) and focus on the highest quality of life every day.Why? Quality of life is the benchmark on when you should decide to forgo futile procedures that just aim to extend life without quality. This benchmark will be subjective and different for everyone.These conversations should be had way before we ever get there. When we are faced with a serious illness, fear has a way of taking over the situation and we tend to make poor choices. Have the conversation while you are healthy.
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Courtesy Suzanne B. O'Brien, RN
Suzanne B. O’Brien, RN is the Founder & CEO of Doulagivers Institute. Her life's mission is to increase access to high quality end of life education and care for patients and families throughout the world. She has developed free resources and trainings for family caregivers and practitioners from her firsthand experience as a hospice and oncology nurse and palliative care professional at the bedsides of more than 1,000 end of life patients. Suzanne has been awarded “Worldwide Leader in Healthcare” by the International Nurses Association for creating Doulagivers Institute and was named Humanitarian Ambassador for Oprah Magazine in 2019 for her work to bring peace and comfort to those facing the end of life around the world. She has a degree in Transpersonal Counseling and Spiritual Ministry from the Association for the Integration of the Whole Person in Los Alamitos, California. She is also a founding member of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization’s End of Life Doula Council and a founding member and Former VP of the National End of Life Doula Alliance.
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