Well, Oscar-time has rolled around again. In years past I’ve put together lists of the best legal movies, 10 at a time.
For this year, though, for a change of pace here’s a list of 10 of the worst such films. So herewith are 10 legal movies that . . . well, forced me to suppress an urge to yell “Objection!” during courtroom scenes. Think of them as “legal movies” in the sense that The Little Mermaid provides an accurate summary of contract law:
10. Jagged Edge (1985). Despite positive reviews, this story of a lawyer (Glenn Close) who reluctantly defends a wealthy socialite (Jeff Bridges) accused of killing his wife is a decent thriller, but commits one of the cardinal sins of courtroom movies. Close’s character puts a witness on the stand and says something like, “Now tell us in your own words what happened,” as judge and opposing counsel just sit there. Time for some hair-pulling.
9. . . . And Justice for All (1979). Perhaps it’s a parody or a satire, but one should always be suspicious of films that take their titles from the Pledge of Allegiance. A judge firing a gun in court to get order? Al Pacino chewing the scenery like he hasn’t eaten the sets in three weeks? Or maybe it was really supposed to be a dream (like Dorothy waking up at the end of The Wizard of Oz) except they left that part out.
8. From the Hip (1987). Bratpacker Judd Nelson plays a flamboyant lawyer who apparently only practices when the judge is in the restroom. That seems to be the approach here, as Nelson breaks 57 varieties of courtroom rules but doesn’t seem to get reprimanded for it much. Nelson should have been sent back for more Saturday detention with the rest of the The Breakfast Club kids instead.
7. Double Jeopardy (1999). This isn’t a bad thriller, actually, but like Jagged Edge it deserves a legal malpractice award for completely botching the concept expressed in its title. Just for the record: if you’re convicted of killing someone but they turn up alive, you don’t get a mulligan to kill them for real.
6. Body of Evidence (1993). An outstanding cast (including Willem Dafoe, Joe Mantegna, Anne Archer, and Frank Langella, among others) can’t save this turkey, which is justifiably described as an “erotic thriller.” In fact, it was a vanity project for Madonna, and so while they remembered to bring the “erotic,” they forgot the “law” stuff. Oh well . . .
5. The Untouchables (1987). A film version of the old 1950s gang-busting television show, scripted by David Mamet (who should have known better). I confess that it’s an enjoyable thrill ride, and one of my guilty pleasures — and earned Sean Connery his only Oscar. But the judge’s solution when he learns that criminal defendant Al Capone has managed to bribe all the jurors in his case is, shall we say . . . legally dubious. At least it has a good cast and great music.
4. The Juror (1996). Demi Moore is a single mother who finds herself on a jury hearing a case against a mob boss. So he sends someone to “lean on” her character to come to the right verdict. What is it about screenwriters and jurors? This movie does have the virtue of making the solution the judge used in The Untouchables seem reasonable by comparison.
3. Suspect (1987). And speaking of jurors and juries, 1987 seems to have a lock on terrible legal films. This one has Cher as a public defender (no, I’m not making that up) who decides to investigate her client’s case with the help of (and no, I’m not making that up either — though God, how I wish I was) a member of her client’s jury. Insert eye roll emoji.
2. Jury Duty (1995). Okay, so maybe the worst legal movie wasn’t made in 1987 after all. This one has Pauly Shore as yet another rogue juror who decides to investigate the case while the jury is deliberating. The critics’ response included Leonard Maltin giving the movie a “BOMB” rating in his film review book (but adding that “may be too high”), while Roger Ebert likened Shore’s performance to long fingernails drawn slowly along a gigantic blackboard.
You have been warned.
1. (Special Prize) First Monday (2002). This was actually a TV show, not a film. A “behind the scenes” series about the Supreme Court, it had the justices holding hands before taking the bench like a football team as the chief justice (James Garner) exhorted them, “Let’s go make history!”
As critic Cleveland Amory once put it about another show, “This one wasn’t produced — it was committed, like a crime.”
Frank Zotter, Jr. is a Ukiah attorney.
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