As a long time Democrat I have reacted with a mixture of dismay, befuddlement, laughter, and downright disgust to the blitz of executive orders, actions and ideas initiated by President Donald Trump during his first weeks in office. His proposals to annex Canada, Greenland and the Gaza Strip, and his partnership with Elon “It’s not exactly a Nazi salute” Musk, along with his obsession of eliminating DEI can be considered his most outrageous moves.
However, his more recent declaration related to ridding the government of paper straws — a reaction to the Biden administration’s attempt to phase out single-use plastic products — and returning America to the golden days of plastic sucking utensils, is what has really attracted my attention.
Upon hearing the Trumpian pronouncement inferring the traditional plastic straw is synonymous with all that is American, patriotic, and sufficiently manly, I nearly choked while downing my McDonald’s Diet Coke (with a McDonald’s straw, which I assume was made of plastic, but I was thirsty and there was a special on soft drinks going on). I found it impossible to avoid resorting to cliché and crying out “This is the last straw” insofar as claiming the president had gone beyond the pale in trying to reshape America.
My consternation has much to do with an alarming newspaper article I read a couple weeks ago, which claimed our bodies are being assaulted by various microplastic products. These particles possess the potential to cause inflammation, cancer, and other chronic conditions. Microplastics are often comprised of shards that come off plastic products and become embedded in our skin or are inhaled into our bodies.
According to this article, “In recent years, research has shown for the first time that humans are breathing, eating, and drinking microplastics in much larger quantities than previously thought. And that plastic is burrowing its way into almost every major organ.” As further explained, “Of the more than 10,000 chemicals used in the manufacture of plastic, scientists have identified over 2,400 as potentially toxic.”
Let me make one thing clear. Since reading that article, I am certain about not wanting microplastics of any kind or size going into me, especially something the size of a straw. There are already enough dangers in the world, and if eliminating the production of plastic straws can reduce the chances of toxic plastics entering my body I am all for it.
But herein lies the problem. The elimination of plastic straws has largely been portrayed by good hearted, sincere environmentalists as a danger to wildlife. Photos of animals speared by these straws are often used to convey the seriousness of this problem.
Unfortunately, such an appeal is not going to work on Trump and his MAGA disciples. We are talking about an administration that has former South Dakota governor Kristi “Yes, I shot my dog” Noem as its new head of Homeland Security. And the president’s oldest son was just accused by an Italian lawyer of killing a protected species of duck near Venice. Trump Jr. is a self-proclaimed big game hunter. Killing such a duck in Italy is considered a criminal offense (perhaps it was a big duck).
Appealing to such “woke” concerns as protecting innocent animals will not make an impression on President Trump; in fact, it’s certain to make him do the politically incorrect thing and further praise the virtues of plastic.
Rather, environmentalists need to be more clever. This means enlisting the support of a particular breed of American to overcome Trump’s aversion to anything speaking of “wokeism.” They must go to the entertainment world and find celebrity spokespeople willing to endorse the use of straws made of silicon.
Straws made of this non-toxic material can be put in the dishwasher, they are flexible, lightweight and portable — much more efficient than paper substitutes. I believe with the right kind of promotional campaign, people throughout the country, individuals and businesses alike, can be persuaded to make the switch from plastic.
Which celebrities could serve as spokespeople? I suggest Clint Eastwood and John Wayne. These two particular Hollywood cowboys, favorites of the macho MAGA world, along with a slick marketing plan, could convince Trump that silicone straws are the equivalent of a Winchester rifle or a .357 Magnum. Imagine a campaign in which Dirty Harry, aiming a silicone straw at a tumbler full of Mountain Dew, stares hard at the camera and mouths the words “Make my day.”
Now, I realize John Wayne is dead, but with the growing efficiency of artificial intelligence and Co-President Musk’s interest in the field, anything is possible. A likeness of the movie gunslinger could be fashioned into a campaign in which he is portrayed as a silicon strawslinger in a manner that strongly appeals to MAGA nostalgia for the good old Hollywood Western days.
I hope readers of this essay do not interpret my writing efforts as a mere offering of a “straw man” argument. I am serious when I say an AI rendition of John Wayne entering a Dodge City saloon and saying “Make it a whiskey, pilgrim, and serve it with a silicon straw” is what it will take to convince Trump and his MAGA cowpokes that we can do without plastic straws. So patriotic, so manly…and so environmentally sound.
Steve Rodriguez is a retired Marine Corps officer and high school teacher who last taught at Olympian High School in Chula Vista.
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