Open relationships. Friends with benefits. Soulmates. There are many kinds of relationships and ways to describe your partner; there’s no “one way” or “right answer.” You may have or want one of these kinds of relationships and not even realize it, either. That’s totally fair—while the label can help some people feel less alone, it’s not necessarily the point. With that said, it’s time to talk about another type of relationship that may be less discussed but still ever present: a May-December romance.Find out what this specific description means and how it involves age gaps. Whether this label applies to you or another duo you know, a psychologist dives into whether or not May to December romances work, the specific challenges that are typically faced in this relationship, and how couples can strengthen their bond.Related: 'I Work 50+ Weddings a Year—Here's Exactly How I Can Tell if a Relationship Will Last'
Thinking it’s a fling that lasts from May to December? That’s a good guess! It’s not quite it, though. A May-December romance is a relationship with a large age gap.The term is symbolic of one partner being closer to the beginning of their life (like a “spring chicken”) and one partner being closer to the end of their life (as morbid and weird as that sounds).Related: 7 Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship, a Therapist Warns
Can Relationships With Large Age Gaps Work?
Dating someone significantly older or younger will have unique struggles, which we’ll discuss below. But is there hope? Yes—with some nuance. “Though they may face some challenges due to different life perspectives and changes, this relationship can work with strong mutual respect and understanding from both partners,” says Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, PsyD, LPC-S, a psychologist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor with Thriveworks in Grand Prairie, Texas who specializes in relationships, coping skills and self-esteem. “The couple must be on the same page regarding life goals.”She encourages these individuals to consider a few factors before committing to this type of relationship. Those factors include the potential benefits they would like or foresee, the challenges they may navigate, and how they’ll feel about or handle potentially negative social perceptions.Related: ‘I’ve Been a Couples Therapist for Over 20 Years, Here’s One of the Biggest Relationship Myths I Wish Everyone Would Stop Believing’
Another question people may wonder is how gender and power dynamics come into play. For example, I think it’s fair to say that society sees a younger man with an older woman differently than an older man with a younger woman (regardless of whether their perceptions are true). Some women may also prefer older men, seeing them as more mature. It’s important to note that May-December relationships happen in same-sex couples too, who may already be facing a lot of challenges related to homophobia. All of that to say, does it matter which partner is the “May” one versus the “December” one?According to Dr. Vaughan, no. “Individual compatibility and understanding of the age gap should be more of the focus, versus who is technically older,” she says. “In any relationship, respect, trust, healthy communication and friendship are the roots.”Related: The #1 Best Way To Stop Being Defensive in Relationships, According to TherapistsExamples of High-Profile May-December Relationships
These relationships are all around us. Some examples in pop culture include:
Arlene Silver and Dick Van Dyke with a 46-year gapKristin Chenoweth and Josh Bryant with a 15-year gapKatharine McPhee and David Foster with a 35-year gapAaron Taylor-Johnson and Sam Taylor-Johnson with a 23-year age gapThose are only a few of many.For another portrayal, check out the movie May December on Netflix. It’s about an older woman and a younger man.
As mentioned, May-December relationships face challenges. Knowing what those are and talking about them can help partners prepare themselves and decide if they're ready. Dr. Vaughan mentions three main examples of those challenges: Friends and family (or even strangers, FWIW) may be uncomfortable with your partner being older or younger than you. They may question your intentions or fear they’ll face judgment from others (whether that’s called for or fair). You may notice this in their facial expressions, tone or even comments made directly to you.Being at different life stages
Being at different life stages
People in May-December romances may be at different places in their career or personal lives. Together, they may have blended families, which can be tricky to navigate. One partner may have children or need to move more for a job.Health concerns—such as those that come with aging and even sexual performance abilities—may also look different for each partner. This isn’t necessarily a “bad thing” or a “problem,” just something to be aware of.
Power dynamics may not be a challenge in all May-December relationships, and they can be a problem that couples face at the same age. However, it’s important to talk about what they can look like in these relationships, especially when they're a sign of an abusive relationship.Authority over child-rearing, finances and day-to-day decision-making may be assumed by the older partner, says Dr. Vaughan, which can create a power dynamic.Signs that unhealthy power dynamics, a toxic relationship or grooming abuse may be at play, she says, include pressure for sexual intimacy, isolating the younger partner, exploiting the younger partner’s vulnerabilities, love-bombing and controlling the younger partner or their money.Related: 25 Red Flags That Signal a Toxic Relationship, According to PsychotherapistsWhat Can People With Large Age Gaps Do To Strengthen Their Relationship?
Dr. Vaughan shares tips for people in relationships that have large age gaps.
Affirm each other
Show your love through love languages. Tell each other what you appreciate about the other. Accept each other’s differences. These actions can be powerful and helpful, especially if loved ones judge your relationship.
Be open, honest, empathetic and understanding in your communication. These are vital for any relationship, but perhaps especially in May-December romances.Related: 25 Relationship Check-In Questions for You and Your PartnerSchedule regular date nights
Don’t be afraid to go out (or stay in!). Enjoy your relationship, plan your future together and build the friendship behind the relationship with date nights. They can provide the strength needed when challenges arise—and just feel good!
Whether you’re changing plans because something came up with your partner’s kid or you’re struggling to find a date night that will work with opposing schedules, try to be flexible and patient. Challenges like those will arise—with any relationship, really—but they don’t have to be major upsets.Respond with love
Dr. Vaughan often tells her couples this: “When your partner becomes difficult or challenging, that is when it is most important to be loving towards them.” She explains that doing so can de-escalate situations.
Get couples counseling
A counselor can help you and your partner work through conflicts, provide useful techniques, help build intimacy, support relationship goals and simply be a resource.So, as psychologists will tell you, May-December romances can indeed work out with support, communication and respect.
Up Next:
Related: 50 Relationship Goals That'll Help You Grow Closer as a Couple
Sources
Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, PsyD, LPC-S, a psychologist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor who specializes in relationships, coping skills and self-esteemGrooming: Know the Warning Signs, RAINN Read More Details
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