WITH controversial OnlyFans models Lily Phillips and Bonnie Blue now hitting headlines, online searches for ”porn addiction” are skyrocketing.
According to a 2024 global study, nearly 100 million adults may be addicted to pornography – which is about 3% of the world’s population, Rehab Recovery reported.
It’s likely that someone within your circle may be battling this addiction – and it could very well be the person you’re in a relationship with.
While many consider X-rated content as a resource to enhance sexual pleasure within a healthy relationship, the ongoing use of porn is often an indicator of disconnection and dissatisfaction.
There’s no set amount of time you need to watch porn to be addicted to it.
However, daily use could be an indicator to a serious problem – even if you consume pornography just once every day.
Chatting exclusively to Fabulous, Dating and Relationship Coach Kate Mansfield said that just like with any addiction, consuming too much pornography ”will inevitably have a negative impact on a close relationship”.
Porn and sex addictions are some of the most difficult to deal with for a number of reasons, the expert said.
”This is because there is an increased level of shame for both partners and in the mix with the addicted partner being unavailable, distracted, there is a social stigma and a level of sexual and emotional rejection that will be heightened with a partner watching porn, as it feels like a betrayal.
”Partners of porn addicts often feel a deep sense of wondering if they are not enough, feeling unattractive and undesired sexually which is hard to resolve.”
Is my partner addicted to porn?
Watching porn every now and then is completely normal – but when it starts taking over your partner’s life, it could be an indicator of a serious problem.
Chatting exclusively to Fabulous, Dating and Relationship Coach Kate Mansfield shared the ten tell-tale signs your significant other may be addicted to pornography.
Excessive Use: They spend an unusually large amount of time viewing porn, often at the expense of other activities or responsibilities.
Escalation: They seek out more extreme or varied content over time, indicating a need for heightened stimulation.
Neglecting Relationships & Intimacy: They prioritize porn over intimate moments with you, leading to a decrease in emotional or physical connection, a wane or a big increase in sex drive as a couple.
Secrecy: They become secretive about their online activities, avoiding discussions about what they watch or when.
Mood Changes: You notice mood swings, irritability, or anxiety when they can’t access porn.
Loss of Interest: There’s a noticeable decline in interest in sex or intimacy with you, which may be linked to their porn use.
Compulsive Behavior: They feel compelled to watch porn even when they don’t want to, indicating a loss of control.
Guilt or Shame: They express feelings of guilt or shame about their habits but continue to engage in them.
Impact on Life: Their porn use starts to interfere with work, social life, or personal goals.
Denial: They may deny that their porn consumption is a problem, despite evidence to the contrary.
SELF-IDENTIFYING QUESTIONS
Even answering 'Yes' to just a few of these is a sign that you could be addicted to porn, but the most clear sign is really - is this making my life, my relationships and my feelings about myself and others unmanageable?
Viewing/Seeking Patterns:
Seeking additional pornographic material regardless of what is already available. Spending money consuming pornography regardless of its effects on our financial situation. Collecting pornography in its various formats, no matter how much we have already obtained and currently possess. Endlessly seeking the “perfect” material.Addiction Patterns:
Viewing to escape feelings. Spending more and more time seeking pornography without the ability to determine when to stop. Hiding pornographic media – whether digital or physical – to ensure that we are never “found out.” Covering our digital tracks on our devices. Isolating from friends and family. Changing activities and plans to accommodate our active addiction. Neglecting obligations, commitments and our own needs or the needs of others. Needing pornography prior to or during sexual activity with a partner, or ourselves. Going to physical viewing locations to obtain a fix. Purging our computers, devices and homes of pornographic material after a binge.How to approach your partner about porn addiction?
It’s never an easy conversation to bring up – but speaking to your partner and more importantly listening to them, could help the relationship.
Be empathetic
Kate explained that first, as betrayed as you may feel, you want to start from a place of empathy.
”Let your partner know that you care about them and that this isn’t just about their behavior – it’s about your relationship as a whole,” the dating coach explained.
”Pick the right time and place—somewhere private and free from distractions. Timing is everything, so avoid bringing it up during stressful moments.
”Once you’re in a good space, share your feelings honestly. Use ‘I’ statements, like, ‘I feel anxious when we’re not connecting intimately’, to express how their actions impact you without placing blame.”
Discussing boundaries
Boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship to flourish – and it’s important to ”emphasize that they’re meant to create a healthier dynamic for both of you”, said Kate.
”This can be empowering, even if it feels hard to talk about and you may have fear of rejection that comes up.
”Also, establishing if it is an addiction or just a habit is crucial and you may need professional help to identify the difference.”
Assess your feelings
Before the conversation, take a moment to assess your own feelings.
Are you feeling codependent, perhaps overly responsible for their emotions? Or do you have attachment anxiety, fearing that you might lose them?
”Acknowledging these feelings can transform how you approach the dialogue,” Kate told Fabulous.
”You might say something like, ‘I’ve realised that I sometimes feel anxious about our connection, and I think setting clear boundaries could help us both feel more secure’.”
During the conversation, it’s key to encourage your partner to reflect on their feelings about the addiction as well.
Here, you should ask open-ended questions to help them explore what drives their behavior and how it affects your relationship.
This can deepen understanding and strengthen your bond.
More signs to look out for
Behavioral patterns:
Inability to sleep without viewing. Having to view pornographic material prior to leaving our place of residence. Viewing late at night so no one will notice. Fantasizing about anonymous partners. Inappropriate sexually oriented comments and jokes. Losing interest in our sex life with our partners.Justification/Low Self-esteem Patterns:
I could never get a date anyway. No one likes me. This is safer. Who would like me, I am too _____ for anyone. I am not enough of a _______ for anyone.Denial Patterns:
“I’m not affecting anyone else, only me. I’m not hurting anyone.” “It will be manageable this time.” “It’s not that bad. I can stop whenever I want to.” “At least with pornography, I always get what I want.” “I get it whenever I want it.” “It’s always there for me.” “I’m going to end up doing it sooner or later anyway.”Tools for healing
When discussing specific boundaries, frame them as tools for healing.
Kate said: ”For example, suggest that they get outside help from a 12-step recovery group, therapist or coach and to go to therapy together as well, to help focus on rebuilding intimacy and trust.
”And don’t forget to address your own emotional health — if you notice patterns of codependency or attachment anxiety, share those with your partner but get help from a support group or therapist.
”This journey is about both of you growing individually, as well as together.”
You’re in this together
Battling a porn addiction as a couple is by no means challenging – but it’s easier to overcome it when you work together as a team.
The relationship expert said: ”Remind them that you’re in this together, and that you both have a role in creating a healthier relationship.
”Keep the lines of communication open, and let them know you’re willing to revisit these discussions as needed.”
However, the key element here is your partner to first acknowledge that the problem does exist – and they want to get better.
If this doesn’t happen, Kate said, ”it’s worth getting help yourself and focusing on your own healing first”, as this can inspire your partner to do the same when they’re ready.
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