People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say ...Saudi Arabia

We often think of childhood as a time to collect all the gold stars. Praise can boost a kid's confidence, whether it's a literal sticker after a dance recital or finishing a school worksheet or a symbolic gold star for doing the right thing.However, what if you grew up getting only one-star reviews from a tough crowd—as in your parents, grandparents and teachers, who are supposed to be your biggest fans?"Criticism affects us as adults because the voice we hear as a child becomes our inner voice as an adult," says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "It’s the difference between being able to naturally take risks and learn from our mistakes versus ruminating on them and never admitting what you truly want because you’re too afraid of failing."This rumination and fear of failure can harm your relationships with yourself and others. Psychologists shared eight common relationship problems that people who grew up feeling constantly criticized often experience and how to turn that inner voice into a less pessimistic one. Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

Not all criticism is destructive. Some criticism is productive."Criticism can be helpful, but it needs to be done in a growth-promoting manner," says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.  "Constructive criticism can benefit us by helping us see where and how we can change and improve, but unhealthy criticism undermines our sense of self and impairs one’s decision-making."For instance, Dr. Smith says constructive criticism would be: "I see what you did there. I’m sure you had your reasons for doing it that way. Consider doing this in the future because it can help with…"An unhealthy alternative would sound like: “You did that wrong! How could you do that?! What’s wrong with you?!”When discussing the issues below, psychologists are referring to people who chronically experience unhealthy criticism. Related: 17 Phrases To Respond to Constructive Criticism, According to Psychologists

8 Common Relationship Issues in Adults Who Were Constantly Criticized as Kids, According to Psychologists

People who grew up with a tough crowd often have low self-worth."When a person is constantly criticized versus criticized in ways that are constructive and periodic, a low sense of self is likely," Dr. Smith says. "With constant criticism, a person never feels good enough."Over time, Dr. Smith says these messages go from not doing anything "good enough" to not being "good enough." These feelings can lead to someone feeling like they aren't "good enough" for a relationship and opting out—even if the other person thinks the world of them.

2. Overly critical of others

People constantly criticized as children don't always stop with internalizing feelings of not being good enough. Sometimes, they project those feelings onto others.Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor, says they come to expect things to be done a certain way and set high standards for what's "good enough" from others. Also?"Some adults raised in highly critical homes were accustomed to having little to no control when they were children, and therefore seek to maintain control power during adulthood by being critical of others," Dr. Goldman says.As people who grew up in this setting know all too well, constant and over-the-top criticism doesn't feel great. These attitudes can cause a person to become isolated from their peers.Related: 9 Outdated Relationship Dynamics Family Therapists Are Begging Parents To Stop Doing With Their Adult Kids

It may take forever for a person constantly criticized in childhood to yay or nay a work project, pick a preschool for their child and choose between Tex-Mex and Asian fusion for dinner. "If a person thinks they are doing things a 'right' way or at least a 'good enough' way and are constantly told they are wrong, then the person never has space to be built up and healthily be taught so is likely not to trust their own way of doing something," Dr. Smith says. "This person is likely to defer to others for decisions since they have learned whatever they think or do will be 'wrong.'"This indecisiveness can frustrate people who want the person's input or are simply tired of making every decision for the family, friend, or work group (AKA decision fatigue). The indecisive person may also secretly resent the other person's decisions, which can fester and harm the connection. 

4. Fear of rejection

You know how you miss 100% of the shots you don't take? The same applies to relationships—and Dr. McGeehan says people who grew up with harsh critics feel it's better to sit on the sidelines or pass, even if they're right in front of an open net."Those who experience constant criticism tend to be afraid of rejection more than others," she says. "It’s what they know to be true of people, and they will fear it consistently if that’s what their experience has taught them is true of people. This leads to them leaning into people-pleasing by way of trying to avoid the rejection."They might also refrain from initiating contact, making it challenging to develop relationships. 

Boundaries are essential and self-sustaining, allowing you to show up for the things and people that matter most and guarding against burnout. However, people subjected to chronic criticism may be afraid to set them."If someone has constantly been criticized in their childhood, they won’t understand how to assert themselves and set boundaries healthily because they are constantly afraid of being torn down," Dr. McGeehan says.A person may say yes to everything at work and feel obligated to attend optional happy hours and every friend's kid's Kindergarten graduation party. However, this struggle can cause people to double-book (and flake on someone) or never show up as their most authentic selves, straining relationships. Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros

6. Poor self-advocacy

Not advocating for your needs can lead to resentment and prevent people from getting to know you. However, it's understandable that people who grew up with constant criticism have this issue. "Because of the submissive nature of someone who has been constantly criticized growing up, they struggle to explore who they are and what they want, Dr. McGeehan says. "They’re so used to pleasing others and feeling fear that if they do the wrong thing, they will be torn down that they never learn this skill."Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as 'People-Pleasers' Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

Dr. McGeehan says people who were constantly criticized as adults use the criticism as fuel to work harder and become successful. This development sounds like a silver lining, and it can be. However, Dr. McGeehan says people may use fear to climb the career ladder. She says it's a trauma response.

8. Struggle to contribute to the family meaningfully

On the flip side, Dr. McGeehan says people who could never do anything right may be scared to go after a career with upward mobility. "You may be so paralyzed by this fear that you stop trying," she says.Unfortunately, it may prevent someone from making meaningful contributions to a family, leading to strain and financial arguments.Related: People Who Grew Up With Emotionally Immature Parents Often Have These 12 Traits as Adults, According to Psychologists

Your views that you aren't good enough are deeply engrained—but untrue."Many times, thoughts are subjective and habitual, but not factual," Dr. Goldman says. "Challenging thoughts around inadequacy would be a helpful place for someone to start seeing themselves as good, smart and competent."

Now that you're starting to question your inner critic, work to build self-worth. This shift can take time."People with low self-esteem struggle to name what they are good at or what they do well," Dr. Goldman says. "They might struggle to name positive attributes about themselves."Listing traits you like about yourself on a piece of paper can help—at first, writing just one attribute can be a victory.

Internal validation is important, but people who received the opposite of praise in their youth may struggle to accept a compliment as adults. "While it can be difficult and uncomfortable, it can be helpful to learn how to tolerate praise and compliments," Dr. Goldman says. "It is best to start small with complimenting others and receiving minor compliments from others."Learn to say "thank you" and sit with the feeling after a compliment. "See how it feels," Dr. Goldman says. "See if that compliment can be believed and start to internalize praise over time."

4. Find some role models who embrace self-compassion and confidence

The grown-ups in your life didn't provide a blueprint for self-compassion or confidence and made you feel the opposite. "If you’ve constantly experienced criticism, then you didn’t have a healthy role model," Dr. McGeehan says. "A healthy model of self-compassion and confidence can show you it’s not only safe to love who you are but also enjoyable."Related: The One Thing Millennials Always Bring Up in Therapy, According to Licensed Therapists

5. Therapy

A therapist can help you manage your relationship with yourself and others."It’s helpful to have a third party to notice the nuance of how you’re interacting with yourself and draw parallels between your behavior and your parents," Dr. McGeehan says.The skills you build in therapy can help you treat yourself and others more kindly.

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Related: This Tiny Tweak to Your Thinking Can Transform Your Relationships, According to Mel Robbins

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