People Who Had Difficult Childhoods Often Develop These 8 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say ...Saudi Arabia

If you're still reeling from a difficult childhood, you might spend the better part of your day telling yourself to "get over it." Yet, it's hard to move on from a rough start to life for a reason."Our childhoods are formative because they lay the groundwork for how we understand the world, form relationships and perceive ourselves," explains Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "A difficult childhood, often marked by neglect, abuse or instability, can create emotional scars that influence how we navigate life as adults."In short, give yourself all the grace if you find yourself vigorously nodding and relating to the eight traits that psychologists say people who had difficult childhoods often have as adults.Related: 5 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying

You might find it helpful to have a solid baseline for what psychologists use as a benchmark for a "difficult childhood" when discussing the traits below. "A difficult childhood is a deeply personal concept, and it looks different for everyone," Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains. "However, on a broader level, it refers to growing up in an environment that did not fully meet a child’s emotional, physical or psychological needs."Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, agrees that the definition of "difficult childhood" varies. Dr. Smith says it may have included (but is not limited to):

AbuseNeglectTrauma

However, that's not an exhaustive list. TL;DR: "In some capacity, it is a combination of what happens in one’s life growing up and how adults in the picture help the child cope and navigate," Dr. Smith says.Related: 10 Phrases To Avoid With Your Adult Kids To Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists

8 Common Traits of People Who Experienced Difficult Childhoods, Psychologists Say

People with difficult upbringings often lose faith in others because their beliefs backfired constantly during their formative years.  "If a child was not appropriately supported, nourished and safeguarded during their upbringing, then it can be difficult to trust people," Dr. Smith says. "If a child never experienced someone expressing genuine care or were exposed to people who use and abuse, then they learn that people cannot be trusted."

2. Struggles with emotional intimacy

Trust is a pillar of emotional intimacy, so, unsurprisingly, this one makes the list. "For children who experienced neglect, inconsistency, or even outright harm from those who were supposed to love them unconditionally, closeness becomes inherently risky," says Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services. "Adults with this history might hesitate to fully open up to a partner, fearing vulnerability will expose them to rejection or hurt."Related: People Who Grew Up With Emotionally Immature Parents Often Have These 12 Traits as Adults, According to Psychologists

Independence can be a desired trait, but it can go too far. In adults who had difficult childhoods, it often goes hand in hand with struggles with vulnerability and trust issues, affecting relationships."While self-reliance can be a strength, hyper-independence can make it hard to ask for help, even when needed," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "An adult might struggle to lean on friends or partners because they fear vulnerability will lead to disappointment or rejection."

4. Perfectionism

People may become unhealthy strivers."Some people cope with chaos or criticism in childhood by striving for perfection as adults," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "If they couldn’t control their environment as children, they might aim to control their own performance. This can look like overworking themselves or feeling paralyzed by fear of failure."

People with challenging childhoods can appear distant, but they may be hyper-sensitive because their day often depended on someone else's mood."They might read too deeply into a partner’s offhand comment or misinterpret workplace feedback as criticism," Dr. Frank says. "While this can sometimes make them empathetic and intuitive, it can also lead to overwhelm, miscommunication and an inability to separate others’ emotions from their own."Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

6. Hyper-attuned to the needs of others

Like emotional sensitivity, a person might develop this trait as a survival mechanism."Many people who grow up in environments where they have to keep the peace or take care of others can develop a heightened sensitivity to others’ emotions," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.Again, it might foster empathy (desired), but Dr. Lira de la Rosa says it can also lead someone to neglect themselves. "For example, someone might constantly prioritize their partner's happiness, feeling guilty for asking for anything in return," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "Over time, this can lead to burnout or resentment."

Mental health issues are common and understandable in people who had it tough as kids."Growing up in a chaotic environment can make people feel like the world is always on the verge of falling apart," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "As adults, they might constantly anticipate the worst, like imagining failure at work or fearing their partner will leave. This anxiety can be exhausting and make it hard to enjoy the present."Related: A Trauma-Informed Psychotherapist Is Begging People With Anxiety To Try This 3-Minute Coping Strategy

8. Perpetuation of problematic approaches

History can repeat itself."If a person had what they consider a difficult childhood and was never exposed to healthier ways to navigate and heal, then the person will likely perpetuate the same dynamics going forward," Dr. Smith says. "This is because it’s hard for us to envision a new way of being or doing something if we have not, in some way, been exposed to the concept of something different."

No. 8 isn't a lifelong given. Generational cycles can end with you."Change is possible so long as you are willing to work towards it," Dr. Smith explains. "It is true that the past cannot be changed, but how we navigate it, what we do with it and how it impacts us can be changed."Related: The 2 Most Obvious Signs of an Unhealthy Parent-Adult-Child Relationship

Another trap to avoid is acting like "it wasn't that bad" or "it could have been worse." The latter might be accurate, but your childhood was still tricky."Validate that it was impactful and that you are worth working on to create a healthier future," Dr. Smith says.

You'll need to re-program yourself after a tough childhood."To do something different, we have to conceptualize that something different is possible," Dr. Smith says.It's more than a mindset—you'll want to seek out real-life examples you didn't witness in childhood. Struggling? Dr. Smith says fictional TV shows, books, films and plays where people work through traumas and find hope and healing can also provide inspiration and practical tips.

4. Practice these new, healthier ways of being

Now, it's time for you to implement what you learned. Dr. Smith suggests focusing on cognitive and behavioral changes."Cognitive work would include noticing and challenging the internal thought that, 'I am not worthy of something better,'" Dr. Smith says. "A behavioral example would be, 'I am going to practice a few seconds of deep breathing and then ask a question to gather more information to influence how I proceed instead of immediately reacting to what I just saw or heard and exploding."Related: People Who Were Rarely Complimented as Children Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

You lacked a village in childhood but deserve it as a grown-up."Finding people who accept and uplift you can counteract the loneliness or mistrust rooted in a difficult childhood," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "This could mean joining a support group, reconnecting with kind friends or seeking out mentors who model healthy relationships."

6. Seek help

A therapist is an excellent village member."Many times, healing from a difficult childhood requires intentional steps to move beyond survival strategies and achieve personal growth," Dr. Frank says. "Seeking therapy from trained professionals can provide a safe space to process past pain and reframe negative beliefs while building emotional awareness."Dr. Frank says therapy can help you reconnect with suppressed emotions and develop healthier ways to respond.

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Related: People Who Were 'Constantly Excluded' in Childhood Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

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