Dear Michelle,
I've been following your work for a while and love how real you are about sex and relationships - so I figured if anyone would get this, it's you. I'm 42, in a genuinely loving, drama-free relationship, and yet . . . my sex drive has completely disappeared. I'm not depressed, I don't hate my partner, nothing big has changed - but I feel like I've gone from spicy to shrug overnight. I used to crave intimacy, and now I could take it or leave it. Is this just what happens in your 40s? Or is something off?
- Curious Reader
Dear Curious (and Courageous) Reader,
First of all, thank you for this question. It might seem simple on the surface - "Where did my sex drive go?" - but trust me when I say it's layered. And you're not alone. Not even a little bit. I hear this question all the time, and it usually comes just like yours did: low-key confused, a little freaked out, but mostly just craving answers.
You're 42, in a loving, healthy relationship, life is flowing - maybe not always perfectly, but overall, things feel stable. And yet your libido? Gone. Like it packed its bags, ghosted, and left no forwarding address. No major drama, no emotional spiral. Just . . . nothing.
I know that silence well.
Dryness "down there" that made me feel like I had swapped my juicy bits for sandpaper.Let me tell you something I haven't shared publicly - until now. Right around 38, I started noticing some weird changes. I'd hear random ringing in my ears (which I now know is called tinnitus), and there were some nights where I couldn't sleep even though I was exhausted. Finally, a dryness "down there" that made me feel like I had swapped my juicy bits for sandpaper. I chalked it up to stress, allergies, life. You know, grown woman shit.
But then, right before I turned 41, my body just . . . shifted. Like, hard. My skin went haywire - itchy, dry, even scaly in spots. My legs ached. I felt foggy and flat. As a sexologist, someone who has made a career out of talking about bodies, pleasure, and power, I wasn't prepared. Not for the low libido, not for the weeks without orgasms (self-induced or otherwise), and definitely not for the fact that I, Miss Always Down For a Ride on the Wild Side, started avoiding sex - with a partner I deeply loved and still found sexy as hell.
Here's the wild part: even I didn't immediately recognize it for what it was. Perimenopause.
Let that sink in. Because if someone like me - who lives, breathes, and preaches about sex and the body - missed the signs, imagine how many of us are walking around blaming ourselves, our relationships, our stress levels, our damn laundry pile, for something that's actually hormonal, biological, and completely normal.
So no, you're not broken. You're likely perimenopausal. And I say that not to diagnose you, but to offer you some clarity. Because when you know what's going on, you can start taking your power back.
Related: I Never Orgasm With My Husband. How Can I Improve Our Sex Life?Now, this is the part where I say: if your sex drive has been MIA for more than three months and it's not connected to relationship stress or emotional upheaval, it's time to talk to your doctor. But, big but: please know that not every doctor is created equal. I've had friends - smart, badass women - go to their doctors with symptoms like yours only to be told, "You're too young for perimenopause." One friend, in particular, was experiencing all the signs: weight gain, no libido, general life blahs. Her doctor flat-out refused to test her hormones. Months later, she got a second opinion, and guess what? Her testosterone was practically nonexistent, and her estrogen had tanked.
With the right support - a provider who actually listened - she finally had a full hormone panel done and began exploring her options. She tried hormone replacement therapy at first but ultimately found that natural, herbal supplements worked better for her body. But more than anything, she committed to the process. She asked questions, advocated for herself, tracked her symptoms, and refused to settle for "this is just what happens." That journey - figuring out what works, pivoting when needed, showing up for herself even when it was hard - that's the real win.
So be your own advocate. Track your symptoms. Bring receipts. Ask for hormone panels. And if your doc dismisses you, thank them for their time and go find someone who listens. Because the truth is: the path to feeling like yourself again won't look the same for all of us. But taking that first step - talking to your doctor, asking the hard questions, refusing to shrink - is a radical act of self-love. And you deserve that kind of care.
Know this: your pleasure isn't gone - it's evolving.In the meantime, know this: your pleasure isn't gone - it's evolving. Maybe it needs new conditions. Maybe it needs more rest, more novelty, more communication, more lube (please use lube - it's magic). Maybe it needs you to slow down and actually listen to your body's whispers before they turn into screams.
Sensual self-care is a must as we move into this new, dynamic phase of our sexuality. I'm not talking about bubble baths and scented candles (though, sure, do that too). I'm talking about daily rituals that reconnect you to your body, your sensuality, and your damn self.
Let's start here: lube up that labia. Your outer lips deserve just as much hydration as the ones on your face. With hormones doing the electric slide, things can get dry down below - even when you're turned on. So while lube during sex is non-negotiable, I'm also a huge fan of vulva balms - think of them like a rich lip mask, but for your love below. Natural, fragrance-free options can soothe dry skin, reduce irritation, and keep things supple. Game-changer whether you're experiencing a hormonal drought or just got a little too ambitious with a wax job before your long-weekend fling.
Now let's talk sexersizing - yes, movement as a form of pleasure prep. Intentional exercise focused on your hips, knees, core, and pelvic floor is chef's kiss for keeping the whole region strong, responsive, and blood-flow-rich. Whether it's sexy stretching, floor work that taps into your inner burlesque dancer, or even subtle Kegel pulses at your desk (five reps, hold the fifth as long as you can), this isn't about getting tight, it's about getting tuned in.
And listen - sexercising is a pleasure priority, but it's not a replacement for the basics. Hormonal fluctuations during perimenopause can wreak havoc on everything from your bones to your blood sugar. So yes, get on the floor and bounce that ass, but also make sure you're supporting your body with consistent movement, strength training, and a nutrient-dense diet full of protein. Your body needs care from every angle - and that includes pleasure. If sexercising is your starting point? Beautiful. But don't stop there. Be consistent. Build on it. Make it yours.
These rituals aren't about performance. They're about presence. They're about feeling yourself - literally and metaphorically. Because when you make space for touch, movement, moisture, and connection outside of sex, desire has room to bloom again.
This is not the end of your sex life. It's not a death sentence for desire. It's a new chapter - and while the script may look different, it still has so many juicy scenes left.
You're not drying up. You're leveling up.
With all my love and lube,
Michelle
Sexpert Positions is a monthly column where sexologist Michelle Hope answers your most pressing questions about sex. Have a topic you want addressed? Drop Michelle a message on Instagram or email her at SexpertPositions@voxmedia.com. By submitting a question, you agree to our Submission Terms.
Michelle Hope (she/they) is your go-to maven for all things sex, love, and modern relationships. A sexologist, author, and advocate for reproductive justice and sexual health equity, Michelle infuses her deep knowledge and extensive field experience into every dialogue. Whether breaking down barriers in conversation or pushing the boundaries of social norms, her approach is provocative, enlightening, and never for the faint of heart. Exploring the intersections of identity and desire, Michelle is here to shake up your perspectives, one bold truth at a time. Michelle is a PS Council member. Read More Details
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