If "soft swinging" is all over your TikTok right now, you can thank Mormon influencer Taylor Frankie Paul for popularizing the term. But if you don't know the story behind the drama by now, it all started in 2022 when Paul became the face of MomTok, a group of Mormon mom influencers who shared glimpses of their lives online. In May of that same year, Paul shook the internet when she announced that she and a group of her friends and their partners were engaging in "soft-swap swinging."
According to Paul, the lack of boundaries established while swinging led to her divorce from ex-husband Tate Paul, and also contributed to tension with some of the other women involved too. Since then, the interest around MomTok has taken off.
Not only has Hulu since released two seasons of "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives," which follows the lives of Paul and other members of MomTok, but dirty sodas are trending all across the country, and Utah has become a surprisingly popular travel destination.
With the second season out now, the spotlight is back on Paul, and many people - including her fellow cast members on the show - are once again curious about what is soft swinging. Below, relationship expert Nicole Moore shares more details about soft swinging, including what a soft swap is and how it's different from regular swinging.
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Nicole Moore is a relationship therapist and founder of the "Love Works Method," a program that has helped people find lasting love fast.
What Is Soft Swinging?
Also known as a soft swap, soft swinging is when couples get intimate with others but don't have intercourse, Moore says. "Soft swinging often involves kissing, touching, and other forms of intimacy, and it's a way for couples to explore their boundaries and interests in nonmonogamy without 'going all the way,'" Moore says.
In an episode of "The Viall Files," Paul shared that she and the other people involved in swinging would often be in the same room with each other, "making out in the same bed" or "[having] intercourse in the same bed next to each other."
As some of Paul's cast members point out in the show, however, the lines often seem blurred. "I just love how it's like, 'OK, we can do everything but sex so it's fine,' but it's like, no, you're sucking someone's dick," cast member Jessi Ngatikaura says in the first season.
The Difference Between Swinging and Soft Swinging
The biggest difference is that swinging "allows" penetration with other people, while soft swinging includes any sexual act besides penetration with other people. "Soft swinging tends to be more about couples exploring different forms of intimacy as a unit, whereas, with swinging, couples might split off entirely and have sex with others without their partner being included," Moore says.
As couples explore nonmonogamy or an open relationship, they may start by soft swinging, and then, as their relationship progresses, they may decide they'd like to start swinging all the way. Of course, this is contingent on your relationship and the boundaries established.
Rules of Soft Swinging
The rules of soft swinging will look different for every couple, as it will largely depend on each individual's comfort levels and preferences. For this reason, it's absolutely vital to set rules and boundaries before ever introducing swinging or soft swinging into your relationship.
"Establishing rules ahead of time is the safety mechanism to ensure the soft swinging helps your relationship grow in intimacy instead of damaging it," Moore says. Some of the most common rules clarify what physical acts are allowed, where the swinging will take place, and how often the swinging will occur. For example, some things many couples may need to think about when setting these rules:
Can you kiss someone else? Can you have penetrative sex with someone else? Can you only swing when your partner is also present? Can you be in a separate room away from your partner? Can you swing on your own terms or do you have to be with your partner? Can you swing whenever you want or is it reserved for a few nights a month? A year? A week?For Paul, she mentioned that her experience swinging lacked boundaries, which ultimately led to her gaining romantic feelings for another person involved outside of her husband.
Is a Soft Swap Right For You?
Like having a threesome, soft swinging can be great . . . until it's not. If you're interested in exploring nonmonogamy with a partner, a soft swap could be an option for you - but not without communicating very clearly with your partner first.
"Start by reassuring your partner that you're not wanting to leave them and that you're happy with them," Moore says. "Explain that soft swinging is something you think might enhance the intimacy, not take away from your existing connection," she adds. From there, you can discuss boundaries, desires, kinks, and the logistics of how and when you'd like to explore.
Most importantly, however, don't try soft swapping just because it seems fun or because it's trending right now. Do it because you and your partner have talked it through and decided it's something you both want to enjoy.
Related: MomTok Loves Dirty Soda - but Do Dietitians? Taylor Andrews (she/her) is the balance editor at PS, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan. Read More Details
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