As Cleveland Clinic notes, people gaslight victims “over long periods of time in an effort to gain power and control over them.”Psychologist Jasnoor Kaur of @psychwithnoor says that gaslighting is mainly about power and control, and can stem from insecurity.“When people find it uncomfortable to admit their mistakes or take accountability, pushing the blame on someone else might make them feel better,” Kaur says.
What Are Common Gaslighter Relationship Dynamics?
Gaslighting is often discussed in the context of romantic partnerships. Although this form of abuse definitely shows up in romantic relationships when individuals trivialize their partners’ concerns and feelings, Mitchell notes that it can also manifest in “family dynamics, friendships and even in professional settings.”In the case of friendships, Mitchell says that a gaslighting friend might “create drama or spread rumors, then deny their involvement or accuse the other person of being paranoid or creating problems.”Meanwhile, parents who gaslight their children “might deny every saying or doing something hurtful, even when confronted with clear evidence.”Werner adds that parent-child gaslighting “can also happen [in] reverse when the child is an adult and now caring for their older elderly parent.”Related: 9 Red Flags of Workplace Manipulation and How to Respond, According to Psychologists
10 Gaslighter Manipulation Tactics, According to Psychologists
A gaslighter often outright lies and denies that they said certain things or that events occurred, even when they are presented with proof.According to Mitchell, “If confronted about a broken promise, they might flatly state, ‘I never said that,’ leaving the victim questioning their memory.Related: 13 Genius Tricks To Catch a Liar in the Act, According to Psychologists
2. Trivializing Feelings
A victim’s memories of events are constantly called into question by gaslighters, even down to the smallest details.“They might say, ‘Are you sure you remember that correctly?’ Or ‘You always get things wrong,’ leading the victim to doubt their own recall,” Mitchell explains.
4. Diverting
Gaslighters withhold when they refuse to listen to or understand their victims’ concerns.“They might stonewall, change the subject or pretend not to hear, making the victim feel invisible and unheard,” Mitchell shares.
6. Trying To Align Others Against You
Gaslighters rarely take responsibility for their actions, choosing instead to deny any wrongdoing.“They feel like, ‘I didn’t do anything wrong’ all the time,” Werner says. “They’re not really able to take ownership for some of the mistakes they made.”
8. Shifting Blame
Even when gaslighters occasionally praise or offer kindness toward the person they’re gaslighting, this can be another manipulative tactic to keep the victim off balance and hopeful that their abuser might change their ways.As Mitchell points out, “This creates confusion and makes the abuse harder to recognize.”
10. Using What You Love Against You
Bottom line: If you’re in immediate physical danger in a relationship, seek outside help. The United States National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. Alternatively, you can live chat or text 88788.In less urgent situations, Werner recommends seeking out help from a mental health provider, “because they can point out patterns” in your relationship with a gaslighter.“Doing cognitive behavioral work of reframing and really recognizing your worth as so much more than what this gaslighter is saying, and building yourself up in a way that you can independently problem solve [can be helpful],” she says.
“[That’s] somebody that can hold them accountable to setting those boundaries,” she explains. “Whether it’s walking away from the person when they’re being toxic, whether it’s saying, ‘I’m not gonna hang out with this person in these types of scenarios,’ whether it’s breaking the friendship or relationship altogether.”
Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
Sources
Bonnie Mitchell, Clinical Director at Healthy Life RecoveryCali Werner, clinician at the OCD Institute of TexasJasnoor Kaur, psychologist of @psychwithnoor Read More Details
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