Dear Eric: I need you to smack me upside the head. I’m married with two young kids. For some reason, I’ve developed a huge crush on a guy who works at my local supermarket. This is eating me alive! I hate that I feel this way. I think about him all the time, he’s popped up in my dreams, and I find myself looking for him when I go to the market. I know that logically this is so irrational and irresponsible, but I can’t seem to shake these emotions. I want it to end. Do I stop shopping at this place until I can get my act together? How do I make these feelings go away?
— Super Crush
Dear Super: Well, I’m not going to smack you upside the head (sorry). What I will tell you, from a safe and respectful distance, is that sometimes a crush is just a crush — a way for the mind to explore an idea or blow off steam.
The best way to get it to go away is to either separate yourself from the subject of the crush or talk about it with someone who won’t judge you and can help you see what’s underneath it. (A third option is to list everything wrong with the crush, but let’s focus on the first two.)
Maybe you’re just attracted to the supermarket guy, or maybe there’s some other unmet need in your life or marriage. Acting as the thought police for yourself isn’t going to fix this. Could be nothing but worth digging a bit to see if there’s something you can glean.
It’s also fine to keep going to your regular market. When you do, remind yourself: “There’s the guy who I have a crush on. This doesn’t mean anything. He’s at work. I’m going to leave him alone. Now, which aisle is the cereal in?”
Dear Eric: I’m a late-50s, divorced educator. I’ve struggled throughout my entire adult life to figure out whether a partner is respectful. I’m currently in a five-month-old relationship with someone whose company I enjoy. The nagging problem is his anger. He has shoved me rather roughly and barked at me to move and then accused me of overreacting when I told him I had no interest in the relationship if he routinely acts like that.
Any time he’s stressed, he speaks in directives, such as, “Don’t put it there!” or “Go!” Yesterday, after being spoken to rudely by a TSA agent, he yelled an expletive at her across airport security.
Looking at incidents like these in isolation, it’s easy to conclude he is a rage-aholic, but the vast majority of the time we’re together he’s respectful and supportive.
My mom has been very emotionally dysregulated my whole life, so I have a strong distaste for being subjected to these sudden bursts of anger over seemingly insignificant incidents. My current partner (and most of my past partners) have reacted with anger if I point out that their sudden anger is jarring for me. I look around at the married couples I’m surrounded by and wonder if the quieter partner just accepts their mate’s quick bursts of verbal or even physical roughness as part of the package.
How do I broach the subject without triggering accusations and anger? I have gone to counseling and the advice has varied immensely, from telling me to consider what I do to trigger this in partners to suggesting my partner get counseling, which he will not do.
— Perplexed
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Growing up with a dysregulated mother may have taught you that love relationships always involve outbursts. Perhaps unknowingly, you’re oriented toward men who have this trait. And those men are oriented toward people like you. As with anything else, the person we can change is ourselves. I write this not because you’re broken — you’re not — but because you want something different. Consider Internal Family Systems Therapy, which you can read about in the book “You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For” by Richard Schwartz.
Lastly, please prioritize your health and safety. Your partner doesn’t respond to your boundaries positively, won’t go to counseling and lashes out at you when he’s unable to handle his own emotions. Even though other parts of the relationship work, I question whether he’s capable of being the partner you need right now.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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