In a documentary about his life in which he discloses details about his December 2022 ordeal for the first time, Flintoff said he did not believe he could survive the accident, which happened while he was filming for BBC’s Top Gear.
“After the accident, I didn’t think I had it in me to get through,” Flintoff says in a documentary that will be streaming on Disney+ from Friday.
square TV REVIEWS Freddie Flintoff's return to TV is emotional and uplifting
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“But I was thinking ‘This would have been so much easier [if I had died]’.
For a few seconds after the crash, Flintoff says he thought he had in fact died.
“I was thinking ‘Is that it’? Just black, for the rest of my days? My hat had came over my eyes. So I pulled my hat up and [realised] it was the Top Gear track. This is not heaven!”
“I thought my face had come off,” Flintoff says. His surgeon, Mr Jahrad Haq, said it was one of the “top five” most serious injuries he had seen in his 20-year professional career. “Like a jigsaw puzzle,” he added, but with pieces missing.
“I spent all this time with a three-and-a-half-year-old,” father-of-four Flintoff adds, talking about his son Preston.
“I’ve got PTSD and I get anxious. For periods of time I just found myself crying for no particular reason.”
Flintoff says smiling is still tricky because of the scarring (Photo: Getty)Crash footage condemned to the archives
Flintoff said that he had “demanded” to see footage of the crash, to validate the trauma the after-effects of which he clearly is still suffering, but it is believed that the terms of a £9m settlement with the BBC prevented it being publicly released.
“I don’t think I’m ever going to be better. Just different now.”
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But he also admits it has been difficult revisiting the incident: it caused the BBC to suspend production of Top Gear indefinitely, putting co-presenters Chris Harris and Paddy McGuinness out of a job. Flintoff admits he has barely spoken to them.
“And I feel bad I haven’t been more in contact – with him, and Paddy. I think there were some comments from Paddy a while ago saying I’ve not spoke to him.
“And their careers have been altered so I feel… not guilty, but I feel bad for them.
‘I tried to leave the room five or six times’
Flintoff made his first public appearance after the crash when working as an assistant coach with England, hired by his former teammate Rob Key, managing director of the men’s team.
“As a way to put my face back in public, it was the perfect way,” Flintoff reflected.
‘A reason to live again’
Flintoff decided to tell his story due to speculation surrounding his car crash (Photo: Getty)There’s no doubt that cricket has saved Flintoff from a dark place. Last year’s T20 World Cup in the Caribbean working with England was a first major trip away from home and family, and he was still having nightmares, but during the day he clearly relished the dressing room and being part of the team.
Flintoff has now been appointed coach of the England Lions, a set-up which includes his own son Rocky, and is already being touted as a long-term successor to Brendon McCullum, although not by himself.
“As a sportsman, you’re meant to know everything in your mid-20s, and I knew very little.
“I don’t see it as a stepping stone. I see it as the perfect job for me at this moment in time.”
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