Thinking it’s a fling that lasts from May to December? That’s a good guess! It’s not quite it, though. A May-December romance is a relationship with a large age gap.The term is symbolic of one partner being closer to the beginning of their life (like a “spring chicken”) and one partner being closer to the end of their life (as morbid and weird as that sounds).Related: 7 Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship, a Therapist WarnsCan Relationships With Large Age Gaps Work?
Another question people may wonder is how gender and power dynamics come into play. For example, I think it’s fair to say that society sees a younger man with an older woman differently than an older man with a younger woman (regardless of whether their perceptions are true). Some women may also prefer older men, seeing them as more mature. It’s important to note that May-December relationships happen in same-sex couples too, who may already be facing a lot of challenges related to homophobia. All of that to say, does it matter which partner is the “May” one versus the “December” one?According to Dr. Vaughan, no. “Individual compatibility and understanding of the age gap should be more of the focus, versus who is technically older,” she says. “In any relationship, respect, trust, healthy communication and friendship are the roots.”Related: The #1 Best Way To Stop Being Defensive in Relationships, According to TherapistsExamples of High-Profile May-December Relationships
Arlene Silver and Dick Van Dyke with a 46-year gapKristin Chenoweth and Josh Bryant with a 15-year gapKatharine McPhee and David Foster with a 35-year gapAaron Taylor-Johnson and Sam Taylor-Johnson with a 23-year age gap
Those are only a few of many.For another portrayal, check out the movie May December on Netflix. It’s about an older woman and a younger man.
Friends and family (or even strangers, FWIW) may be uncomfortable with your partner being older or younger than you. They may question your intentions or fear they’ll face judgment from others (whether that’s called for or fair). You may notice this in their facial expressions, tone or even comments made directly to you.Being at different life stages
Being at different life stages
Power dynamics may not be a challenge in all May-December relationships, and they can be a problem that couples face at the same age. However, it’s important to talk about what they can look like in these relationships, especially when they're a sign of an abusive relationship.Authority over child-rearing, finances and day-to-day decision-making may be assumed by the older partner, says Dr. Vaughan, which can create a power dynamic.Signs that unhealthy power dynamics, a toxic relationship or grooming abuse may be at play, she says, include pressure for sexual intimacy, isolating the younger partner, exploiting the younger partner’s vulnerabilities, love-bombing and controlling the younger partner or their money.Related: 25 Red Flags That Signal a Toxic Relationship, According to PsychotherapistsWhat Can People With Large Age Gaps Do To Strengthen Their Relationship?
Affirm each other
Show your love through love languages. Tell each other what you appreciate about the other. Accept each other’s differences. These actions can be powerful and helpful, especially if loved ones judge your relationship.
Schedule regular date nights
Don’t be afraid to go out (or stay in!). Enjoy your relationship, plan your future together and build the friendship behind the relationship with date nights. They can provide the strength needed when challenges arise—and just feel good!
Respond with love
Dr. Vaughan often tells her couples this: “When your partner becomes difficult or challenging, that is when it is most important to be loving towards them.” She explains that doing so can de-escalate situations.
Get couples counseling
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Related: 50 Relationship Goals That'll Help You Grow Closer as a Couple
Sources
Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, PsyD, LPC-S, a psychologist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor who specializes in relationships, coping skills and self-esteemGrooming: Know the Warning Signs, RAINN Read More Details
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