app form, offers free shipping to new customers and constant sales on a vast collection of semi-disposable products. Temu sells everything—car accessories, video game gar, household goods, novelty t-shirts, sex toys, power tools...you name it, they have it, or a cheap facsimile thereof. Because despite its slogan “shop like a billionaire,” you won’t find many name brand products on Temu. That’s not the Temu way. It’s like Amazon, except everything is chintzy. Chintzier.
How shady is Temu?
aggressive marketing strategies, including a barrage of “free credit” offers and an army of thousands of “Temu Ambassadors” who flood TikTok and other social media sites with coupons to earn commissions for each signup they are linked to.
2.35 our of 5 star rating with the Better Business Bureau, with many users reporting long waits to receive products (or not receiving anything at all). In true internet-retailer-from-China-style, the product you receive also might bear only a passing resemblance to the photos on the site.
Amazon. If you want a 3D printer for $13, Temu is your jam. (As eagle-eyed commenters have pointed out the $13 is actually for 3D printer filament, while the printer itself is around $100—still pretty cheap.)
What kinds of products should you purchase from Temu?
plastic holder for soda cans for your fridge, or a basket to rinse rice, Temu is the move.
$20 distortion pedal in my cart. It’s probably crappy, but you never know. But if you want something like new running shoes, I’d steer clear of ankle-breaking monstrosities like these Y2K Men’s Blade Sneakers. I wouldn’t buy cooking knives, bedding, or a tuxedo jacket on Temu either.
You can buy a lot of strange things on Temu
this shirt though. I assume it’s low-quality, uncomfortable, and made of melted plastic water bottles, but it’s literally the ugliest shirt I have ever seen. A shirt with a pattern this complicated would cost like $400 at Dan Flashes, but it’s less than eight bucks on Temu. It’s a novelty of a shirt, and novelty items are where Temu really shines.
Consider the following as all the proof you’ll need:
The “As Seen on TV” collection
late-night infomercials at often astronomical prices. Temu can scratch the same itch for almost nothing, so if you see an ad for a product you like, check Temu before you buy. Below are some “as-seen-on-TV” style Temu knock-off products. I don’t recommend any of them.
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Slap Chopper ($4.98) Similar to Slap Chop ($19.95)
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Pelvic Floor Exercises/Kegel Exercises ($4.37) Similar to Thigh Master ($74.99)
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Wireless Juicer ($16.47) Similar to Magic Bullet Mini Juicer ($49.99)
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Wearable Blanket ($18.68) Similar to Snuggie ($19.88)
Temu sells many things you can smoke weed out of
I do not recommend any of these products, but if you like smoking weed and you’re too grown up to go with a crushed soda can, you can smoke weed out of...
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A tiny saxophone
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A gigantic earbud
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A toilet
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A minion (wait, I mean a “yellow man cartoon shape;” it’s definitely NOT a minion.)
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A cartoon character pickle (again, not Pickle Rick from Rick and Morty.)
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A chicken drumstick
glass pipes and “snuff spoons” cannot be beaten.
 Your one-stop shop for grillz (and also grills)
cheap grills on Temu all day, but you can also buy cheap grillz, so you can finally achieve that “local rapper circa 2003" look.
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Golden vampire fangs for $1.48
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Colorful bejeweled teeth for $7.68
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Religious themed grillz for Sunday service at only $5.98
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Gun grillz for $1.08
Temu is the perfect place to purchase sex toys
Sex toys are Temu’s killer app. The dildo-markup at your local adult bookstore borders on criminal, but the straight-from-China offerings at Temu are comically inexpensive. I do not recommend you put any of these products inside your body or putting any part of your body inside any of these often terrifying products, but here’s a small taste of the erotic side of Temu:
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These Temu buttplugs are only $.87 each. You can’t afford not to do some experimenting back there.
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$20 butt-plug is the size of a melon!
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bright-red, elephant trunk thong; trust me on this. It’s only $1.25!
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USB charged device, but maybe I’m just a square.
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Human arm for scale.
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silicon dragon claw in a sexy manner, but I’m not kink-shaming. Rock on!
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