Claudia Winkleman and keema naan: my picks for the new bank notes ...Middle East

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The whole thing – a campaign spearheaded by the type of people who have “Follow Back Pro EU” in their screen names and still get misty-eyed about the London 2012 Olympics opening ceremony – was deeply embarrassing. Not because it was quite obviously an inappropriate choice; the poll was overruled, the ship christened the RRS Sir David Attenborough and the name Boaty McBoatface inherited by one in its fleet of submersibles. It’s because it was bland, not funny, and so failed to represent Britain at all. 

What’s the point, given most of us don’t notice who’s on them, we are moving ever closer to becoming a cashless society, and an expensive brand overhaul doesn’t feel like the best use of cash itself? It’s a good question. But as historical figures have been on the bank notes since 1970, and few women are represented, it’s hard to argue with the idea they’re due an update.

Attenborough, obviously, Paddington, Macca, Bowie, Olivia Colman, Judi Dench, Louis Theroux, the Shard, the Angel of the North, the Eden Project, probably Captain Tom… “David Beckham’s right foot, David Beckham’s left foot, come to that”.

Capturing a national identity isn’t easy. One person’s British pride is another’s jingoistic nightmare. Few events have made me feel more patriotic than when during the Euro 2020 final between England and Italy, a yob memorably drank 20 cans of cider, stuck a flare up his bum and stormed Wembley. But I do accept that for some that was a point of national shame and probably not quite right for a bank note.

Let’s start with Danny Dyer – specifically, Danny Dyer “bowling about” in a ruff after discovering he was a direct descendent of King Edward III, William the Conqueror and Thomas Cromwell. Funny, ridiculous, straight-talking, clever, surprising and talented.

Wallace and Gromit – odd, imaginative, human, even though they’re made out of clay. Chris Packham – ideally surrounded by some unsung woodland creatures at grave risk of extinction.

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Claudia Winkleman – because for all its controversy Strictly’s still the most special thing on TV and she is the sharpest talent the BBC’s got. And on the subject of the BBC, David Olusoga – because mark my words, he’s its future.

And lastly, Smithy’s curry order from Gavin & Stacey, which in 2009 encapsulated the British sensibility better than any great work of literature: chicken bhuna, lamb bhuna, prawn bhuna, mushroom rice, bag of chips, keema naan and nine poppadoms, eaten alone while having a strop in the car.

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