Parenting advice has gotten really complicated. There’s something new every day, and it’s filled with contradictions. Every time you think you understand something, it changes. All of this is a huge source of anxiety for many parents.
As a psychiatrist on the front lines of healthy youth development, I’ve worked with over 3,000 young adults. And as a mom of three kids, I’ve spent two decades on both sides of the journey through parenthood.
But parenting doesn’t have to be complicated. Here are five simple rules to help you navigate the way-too-much-counterproductive-information age.
1. Follow your instincts, not the influencers
Evolution didn’t prepare you to drive a car or negotiate a mortgage, but it did prepare you to be a parent, much more so than most people realize.
This means parenting is an area of adult life where it really is okay to follow a hunch and do what feels right. Think about going outside on a cold day. If you feel cold, do you consult a chart or a professional before reaching for a jacket? No. You just kind of know how to stave off hypothermia even if, like most people, you have never experienced it.
Parenting is much closer to intuitively bundling up on a cold day than it is to signing your first mortgage. It’s okay to trust your instincts, although they’re not going to prepare you for every little thing. That’s where culture comes in.
2. Follow your culture, not the clickbait
Any culture that has survived more than a couple of hundred years has robust child-rearing traditions. And any enduring culture has answers for parents — traditions around feeding, rest, socialization, purpose and the transition to adulthood.
Now, you probably don’t think of your own cultural heritage in this way, you probably just think about it as whatever old-fashioned stuff your parents did. Not sure what they did? Ask them! Older siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles are also great.
Who would I not listen to? Someone who has never met you or your child, who knows nothing about your value system, or is selling you something — or all three.
3. Follow your kid, not the crowd
All kids are different. Some like singing, some like trucks. For the latter, spending half the day riding the city bus can be paradise. Pediatricians often recommend singing classes because many kids enjoy singing, and there is evidence that it’s good for language development.
But if you take kid who loves trucks to a singing class, you might make a lot of people unhappy, starting with yourself and your kid.
Do you know what else is good for language development? Spending half the day watching a construction site! Many construction vehicles have names that are long and difficult to pronounce, but a kid who likes heavy machinery will outstrip your truck vocabulary in a week or two. You’ll find yourself wondering why you have never contemplated questions like: What’s the difference between a backhoe and an excavator?
One of the great joys of parenthood is seeing the world through their eyes. Follow them as often as you can.
4. Focus on enjoyment, not development
You’re raising a kid, not a spreadsheet, so leave the developmental tables to the teachers and pediatricians. That stuff is important for screening purposes, but can cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety.
Child development rolls out in fits and spurts, not in a perfectly linear fashion. If your kid seems basically okay, they are probably basically okay. (See rule #1!) If they don’t seem okay, consult with your child’s pediatrician or teacher, depending on the issue.
But many parents could benefit from dialing up the joy and dialing down the obsessing. With kids, enjoyment is development. They learn best when they are happy and relaxed, and engaged in playful activities with people who care about them.
5. Be your real self, not your ideal self
What your child needs more than anything is your love and attention. Parents tie themselves in knots trying to be perfect. It’s not necessary, and it’s not authentic.
It’s okay to show a range of emotions, as long as you don’t lose control. This is how children learn that emotions are normal, and to manage their own. Kids are constantly bathed in emotions, and emotional modulation is one of their most important developmental tasks.
Worried parents tend to think our times present a unique set of challenges for raising kids, which is true. But it’s also true that every generation of parents since time immemorial has had the same worry, and they got through. So will you.
Mathilde Ross, MD, is a Senior Staff Psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services, where she specializes in behavioral medicine. She is also a TED speaker and has written for The New York Times. Mathilde is a graduate of Columbia University, Harvard University, and the University of California, San Francisco.
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