Ahead, psychologists warn Parade about the signs you should look out for, why certain relationship behaviors that seem positive might actually be red flags, and what you should do if you're experiencing the manipulation tactic of future faking.Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to Psychologists
Why People Engage in Future Faking
People may “future fake” for the same reasons people manipulate others: to get what they want from someone without respecting them enough to put in their share of the work.“They often seek control in relationships to avoid confrontation and deflect criticism by promising a better future, which helps shift attention away from current problems and maintain a sense of control,” Dr. Vaughan shares.Dr. Kelley agrees that the action can be born out of an aversion to conflicts or a desire to string someone along, keeping them hopeful without having to make real change.
So your partner brings up the idea of living together. Hearing that may simultaneously feel exciting and surprising—it seems a little too early to move in, doesn’t it? They also don’t make any specific or concrete plans, Dr. Vaughan says. They avoid conversations about whose place you’d move into and how you’d want to manage finances and chores. They just generally don’t seem committed to it.
2. Making plans and canceling last minute
Early in the relationship, they're talking like you’ve been dating forever—but then they don’t follow up or show they want that long-term relationship in other ways, like trying to connect on a deeper level or meeting your needs. They show no serious intentions, Dr. Vaughan says, or established commitment to the relationship. (That goes for areas outside the wedding and babies too.)
4. Generally jumping to the end rather than taking steps
This is a way some people may handle conflict. “Instead of addressing what’s not working right now, they redirect with statements like ‘Things will be better once…’ or ‘Let’s just get through this year, and then we’ll settle down,’” Dr. Kelley says. “The future becomes a shiny distraction from the current reality or issues.”
6. Being in love with your potential rather than the real you
What To Do if You’re Experiencing Future Faking
While it may sound easy, this advice can be difficult, especially if you feel hopeful, believe them (and understandably so) or feel they're “the one.” And this harder-than-it-sounds step is necessary.To summarize what the signs look like, Dr. Vaughan lists inconsistent behaviors, grand promises with no follow-through, emotional manipulation like guilt trips, attempting to isolate you from friends and family, and getting defensive when you question their promises or hold them accountable.
Set clear boundaries and uphold them
What’s happening in the present? Has your partner upheld their promises? Have their actions matched their words, and do their timelines come through? These are helpful assessment questions that Dr. Vaughan lists.
Seek support from trusted friends, family and/or a counselor
As your partner has shown you, they (and/or the relationship you share) may not be as reliable and long-term as you thought. Spending time engaging in self-care, hobbies and other relationships can be a way to ensure your happiness and well-being, with or without them in your life.More specifically, Dr. Vaughan suggests spending time with friends, working towards your goals, engaging with your interests, focusing on your physical and emotional self-care and acknowledging your self-worth.This may also mean walking away from an unhealthy relationship, she adds.
Ground yourself in the present
This is a way to assess how serious and intentional they are about what they promised. Dr. Kelley gives an example related to travel. If they say they can’t wait to travel with you, suggest that you two look at weekend getaway spots that Saturday or Sunday.“You’re not being pushy—you’re just checking whether they're invested in fantasy or follow-through,” she says.
Listen to your nervous system
Up Next:
Related: 35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick, According to Therapists
Sources
Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, PsyD, LPC-S, a psychologist who specializes in relationships and coping skillsDr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author Read More Details
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