“I jumped through every hoop imaginable to try and win her approval,” says Sarah. “She is a very good cook, so I learned to cook so she’d be happy. But she’d always find something to comment on. After 15 years of marriage, she bought me a Delia Smith beginner’s cookbook titled ‘How to Cook.”
Sarah realised her mother-in-law would never make her feel at ease. “She nearly broke me,” she reflects now, aged 65. “It was just a constant insidious undermining of confidence and decision-making.”
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The difficult in-law trope is age-old. And, of course, not everyone struggles with difficult in-laws. But lots do, and experts say this relationship is too often overlooked as a source of tension and toxicity. In an interview last year, the psychotherapist, author and agony aunt Philippa Perry told me that, out of all the problems she receives from the general public, she receives the most letters about in-laws.
“Each of these parties tends to feel on the back foot, even if they might seem overbearing or confident, or even if it seems they don’t care,” she says. “The biggest theme I see is an insecurity in the power dynamic which can lead to a lack of communication.”
And now, the in-law relationship may be under more strain than ever. The IFS has found that the proportion of UK adults in their 20s and 30s cohabiting with their parents has risen by over a third in the last two decades, thanks to high rental costs and rising house prices. Young adults are more reliant than ever on the Bank of Mum and Dad to buy their first home, and more grandparents are providing childcare as nursery costs soar. When relationships feel transactional, they can be ripe for tension, with in-laws feeling exploited, and parent-child boundaries easily blurred.
Gordon split up with her first love after she felt the pressure from his mother was unbearable. Decades after breaking off their engagement, her ex got in touch to ask a difficult question: Was it my mother? “And I suppose it was,” says Gordon, now 65.
Jenny Gordon, a leadership coach, says her mother-in-law was a factor in the breakdown of her relationship. Now she’s worked hard to get on with her sons’ partnersGordon, madly in love, tried to look past it. Two years into their relationship, at the age of 18, her boyfriend proposed. But the closer Gordon got to their wedding, the more she realised she would be trapped, so she ended it.
Over the years, she has learnt that an in-law relationship takes work. “Especially when it’s mothers of sons,” she says. Mothers of sons have a particularly bad reputation for being controlling and possessive, but, says Gordon, we should try to have empathy. “For our entire life as a mother, we were our son’s number one woman. And of course, when they marry, their wife is number one, which is how it should be. But it’s very hard to go from being number one to being less important.”
She is also curious about her daughters-in-law. “I treat them like the adults they are, respect their individuality and love them to bits.”
Here, family therapists share how to get on well with your in-laws, the common patterns they see with their clients, and the mistakes we are making.
Class plays an important role too. “In some working-class families, the couple are expected to be very close to in-laws,” says Singh. “And so after a couple get married, they’re expected to live next door or see their in-laws very regularly. The new spouse may have different expectations about how close to extended family they want to be.” This can cause unspoken friction, without either party intending.
Transition periods are the most volatile – so plan for them together
Weddings, big anniversaries, or the arrival of a baby are some of the most sensitive times in the in-law relationship. “The birth of the first child is particularly difficult,” says Singh. “People come with such different expectations, ideas, and rules; what they should do and shouldn’t do. Who they should relate to easily, and what the role of different grandparents is. So there’s lots of room for confusion and misunderstanding.”
When it comes to childcare, Masterson is sympathetic to both sides. “If there is an expectation that grandparents are doing the bulk of the childcare, it can be very difficult for them not to bring their own thoughts, rules, and approaches to parenting. But of course, that isn’t necessarily ‘the contract’ that the son and daughter thought they were getting into with their parents or in-laws.”
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To avoid this conflict, Masterson advises having a sit-down conversation. “It’s important for new parents to formalise their expectations, just as you would when you join with your nursery provider. Explain what’s really important in terms of potential parenting approaches and boundaries for the children. But also understand that grandparents are not a nursery provider. They do have another input and approach that may well be beneficial.”
For the men whose partners are struggling with their in-laws, Masterson has clear advice. “My advice to any man is to respect and support their partner by presenting as a team when dealing with family issues,” she says.
Setting boundaries isn’t always easy, and it can come with a lot of pushback. “Often with parents and in-laws, they push back when they feel rejected and hurt. Their behaviour often comes from a place of so much love and care. It’s often not meant to be done in a hostile way.”
It takes time to heal
Singh admits that family sessions can be quite stormy, especially when both sides are setting boundaries. But, she warns, the key to healing this relationship is to take it slow.
There are some instances when a relationship may be too far gone to heal. “It can seem irreparable if both sides are being very defensive, and if both sides are becoming more and more entrenched,” says Masterson. “If that happens, that’s a lose-lose. That doesn’t help anybody. It’s important to always find a little bit of scaffolding; a place where we can all meet and come together.”
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