Being told your A- wasn't good enough was just the start. Understandably, you may now struggle to accept anything less than perfection if you grew up believing anything less was a failure."[You] may chase impossible standards just to avoid criticism or rejection," Dr. Guarnotta shares. "Over time, this can lead to chronic stress [and] burnout."Related: People Who Were 'Overly Competitive' in Childhood Often Develop These 16 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Fear of failure
Our parents are the first people with whom many of us form relationships, and they teach us how we "should" relate to others, explains Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy. D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. Super-negative parenting styles can follow a harsh lesson plan."[Kids with super-negative parents] learned early on that closeness can lead to criticism, so they keep emotional distance to avoid hurt," she explains. "When one does not receive emotional safety in childhood, trusting others can seem risky or unfamiliar."
4. Chronic self-doubt
A loud and rude inner critic doesn't help with self-doubt. The voice hyper-focusing on the one moment in which you stuttered during a work presentation rather than all the compliments you received after may sound precisely like your super-negative parent."The negative voice they often heard growing up becomes internalized," Dr. Saidi explains.
6. People-pleasing tendencies
Dr. Guarnotta reports that adults who grew up with harsh, critical parents often learn to bury their emotions. "Growing up in a home where feelings were dismissed or met with negativity may teach children to bottle up their feelings," she says. "As adults, they might struggle with vulnerability, which can lead to relationship difficulties and emotional isolation."
8. Pessimism
The pessimism, emotional suppression, perfectionism and fear of failure create a "perfect" storm that can trigger this threat."Adults who have been raised by caregivers who are consistently negative have expectations that things will not work out, they will not be recognized when things do work out and they experience less understanding for others if situations do not turn out in the way they hoped," reveals Dr. Brett A. Biller, Psy.D., the Mental Health Director at the Audrey Hepburn Children's House, Hackensack University Medical Center. "As such, adults who have been raised in negative environments are prone to experience persistent frustration."
10. Controlling or lack of ability to adjust
The pursuit of perfectionism and negative internal monologue are part of a recipe for anxiety."When their actions or the actions of others are routinely questioned, with minimal space for lack of success, or perceived lack of success, adults experience increased anxiety caused by the enhanced expectations they hold for themselves," Dr. Biller says.
12. Resilience
Tips for Healing From a Super-Negative Childhood
Avoid telling yourself to "just get over it and move on" because it was a "long time ago.""Don’t minimize what you went through," Dr. Saidi emphasizes. "Your pain is valid. Journaling with prompts such as, 'What did I need to hear as a child?' may help because it allows you to name your experiences and allows real healing to begin."Related: How To Validate Someone's Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist
2. Learn to recognize and challenge your inner critic
This one takes work."When you grew up feeling like your needs didn’t matter, learning to assert yourself probably doesn't come naturally," Dr. Guarnotta says.She suggests giving yourself permission to put your needs first—it's worth it."Boundaries help you protect your energy and keep you safe," Dr. Guarnotta explains.
4. Seek therapy
5. Allow space for understanding
Having empathy and compassion for your super-negative parents can be challenging, especially if you're struggling as a result. However, Dr. Biller recommends eventually giving it a try for your own sake."Allow a place for understanding that our caregivers' negativity may not have been from a place of malice," he suggests. "Through curiosity and appreciation for self-understanding, we empower ourselves to learn from experience rather than repeat what has had a negative impact."Up Next:
Related: Daughters of Emotionally Immature Parents Often Develop These 7 Traits as Adults
Sources:
Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, psychologist and owner of Phoenix HealthDr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologistDr. Crystal Saidi, Psy. D., a licensed psychologist with ThriveworksDr. Brett A. Biller, Psy.D., the Mental Health Director at the Audrey Hepburn Children's House, Hackensack University Medical Center Read More Details
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