Denmark has been voted as one of the happiest countries in the world for over 40 years in a row. I’m a researcher and a mother of two children: Sophia, 16, and Sebastian, 13.
Self-confidence is described as the foliage of the tree. It’s the things we can do or are good at. It’s our accomplishments, diplomas, grades or trophies. It’s what everyone sees, and it’s external.
We often believe that if a child’s foliage looks rich with accomplishments and achievements, they must be happy. We focus a lot on this as parents – like I did. The danger is that the child can feel that “I am only worthy when I do, win, earn or act in the way my parents want”. So, their foliage appears lush, and they seem successful to an onlooker, but underneath, their roots may be small and brittle. What happens when the storms of life come?
Jessica has lived in countries all over the world but now lives in Denmark with her family (Photo: Daiva Gailiute)This ability develops, partly, through the child believing they are loveable in the eyes of their parents. This can be done through basic everyday activities, play and hygge (cosying around together). It’s knowing my parents like me for me, not just for what I do or accomplish.
Believe it or not, chores can be incredible opportunities for kids to feel like they are an important part of the family. Studies clearly show that chores are not only good for kids but also make them more successful later in life.
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It’s harder to start with teens but it’s never too late. I couldn’t believe how much more enjoyable chores became when I changed my mindset around them. I reframed my attitude of “I have to” cook, to “I get to” cook and actively looked for ways to involve the kids and my partner (rather than thinking of myself as the “lone martyr”).
Routines
Danes are really serious about routines because it makes life much more predictable for kids. Everyone operates better and with less anxiety when our lives are more predictable, and we know what is going to happen (adults too!). Routines are particularly helpful for kids who struggle with executive functioning skills like concentration, organisation and impulse control.
My son, in particular, was so much calmer once we implemented and stuck to a simple plan around wake-ups, afternoons, evenings and bedtimes. The key difference from other cultures was to include more time for hygge and play. I had no idea how much happier he would be with a daily structure, but he really was. This doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible – but having a framework kids come to know and expect can be enormously beneficial for their wellbeing.
Fun
Rather than comparing ourselves with the parents who rushed their kids to mandarin, tennis, piano, math tutors, karate, and organic cupcake making classes, feeling like we were “not doing enough”, we believed that a slower pace and letting our children enjoy their childhood (and not get caught up in the competition) was the best way for us. This wasn’t easy. It meant letting go of many cultural norms and slowing down our internal pace too.
There is no magic wand when it comes to parenting, but the Danish way really works. It’s not just about the doing that matters; it’s the being together that does. We have so many opportunities on an everyday basis to enjoy our children and be with them, but very often miss out on them because we see them as obstacles. This simple mindset shift can bring a profound change to any family. One day, we may all look back and realise that it was the small and simple moments that were really the big and important ones, after all.
The Danish Way Every Day is published by Piatkus and written by Jessica Joelle Alexander. You can purchase it now online and in bookstores.
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