The dynamics we share in our earliest relationships—with our parents—can become the ones we normalize, for better or worse. Runyon points out that daughters of emotionally immature parents are prone to developing codependent relationships. In these dynamics, one person (usually the daughter of an emotionally immature parent) puts their needs on the back burner."Women are generally more agreeable than men because of our need to be communal," Runyon notes. "However, agreeableness is magnified in women who are reared by emotionally immature parents because they are rewarded for this behavior. They learn early on that they must put themselves aside for someone else to be in a relationship."
2. Perfectionist
Emotionally immature parents can put daughters into survival mode, which Runyon says triggers a fight, flight, freeze or fawn reaction in the nervous system. Fawning is a trauma response where you people-please to avoid conflict, and daughters of emotionally immature parents generally react by fawning to feel safe in relationships. "The person tells themselves, 'If I serve, they won't leave,'" Runyon says. "Stress compounds. These women often are not able to calm the nervous system and [they] remain in the stress response."Chronic stress can manifest physically and mentally."Chronic stress wreaks havoc on the body, and these women overwhelmingly experience symptoms of fatigue, sleep disruptions, autoimmune issues, [and] lack of attention and focus," Runyon reveals.Related: 6 Signs You Have an Emotionally Immature Partner and How to Deal, According to a Psychologist
4. Always grinding
Parents who lack emotional maturity struggle to identify and regulate their own feelings, so they generally raise children who can. It can result in adults who feel like they don't have control over themselves, triggering anxiety."When a trusted adult helps a child move through negative feelings, the child gains a sense that they can trust themselves, even when things are uncertain," Runyon explains. "This provides a sense of security over the unknown. If this doesn't occur, that child develops tendencies of trying to control the outside world because the inner chaos isn't resolved."Runyon notes that the illusion of external control is a trap."We can only control ourselves," Runyon explains. "It's in [that] internal locus of control that helps us to move through fear."
6. Depressed
Runyon reports that unprocessed feelings can also trigger short tempers and uncontrollable anger."Anger can feel powerful to someone who doesn't feel control over themselves and can be the only emotion they allow themselves to have," Runyon shares. "When feelings get pushed down enough, they boil over and often become uncontrollable."Related: People Who Were 'Emotionally Neglected' in Childhood Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
How To Heal From Emotionally Immature Parents
1. Set boundaries in relationships
Healing from such an exhausting childhood—one that has affected you as an adult—won't be easy."Discomfort in someone who wasn't reared to work through their feelings can feel terrifying," Runyon says. "It's something to survive, and it triggers the fight, flight, freeze or fawn response in the nervous system."Runyon can't take those feelings away—there's no getting around them."The only way out is through," Runyon explains. "I suggest doing somatic exercises to calm the nervous system and allow emotional discomfort to bubble up. Painful feelings don't have to be scary and certainly are not a threat. They are a part of life."
3. Control the controllable
Related: How To Deal With a Narcissistic Parent, According to Psychologists
Source:
Nicole Runyon, LMSW, is a psychotherapist and author of Free to Fly: The Secret to Fostering Independence in the Next Generation. Read More Details
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