"Deep loneliness" isn't a clinical diagnosis, but it's an experience—and a problem."Deep loneliness, also sometimes referred to as chronic loneliness, is an internal state of persistent detachment and emotional isolation from others," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "It is a lack of meaningful connections and relationships with other people."It's similar but not precisely the same as "loneliness.""Most people have had brief, temporary times of feeling lonely, but deep loneliness is more intense and longer lasting," explains Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D.,a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. "It can also involve not feeling a meaningful connection to people, even when having people to interact with."Notably, Dr. Goldman says deep loneliness isn't a matter of "not trying hard enough" or "not putting yourself out there."People who feel deep loneliness can try repeatedly to foster healthy connections, but they somehow do not develop," she explains.So, don't blame yourself if many of these red flags sound familiar. Related: This Is the Exact Age When We Tend to Feel the Most Lonely—and What to Do About It
14 Signs of Deep Loneliness, According to Psychologists
2. Not accepted by peers
It's possible to be lonely in a crowded room. Dr. Goldman says people who aren't accepted by their peers are often experiencing deep loneliness. "They might be a part of the group but also somehow off to the side," she explains. "This is a sign of being socially withdrawn even when in the presence of other people."
4. Feeling alone with 'your people'
Maybe you think you have people, or, more accurately, thought you had people. Dr. Yang says it's common for deeply lonely people to feel alone or disconnected from connections they once considered their crew."Sometimes, as we grow as a person, we naturally grow away from some of the people around us," she explains. "However, even in those situations, we feel a sense of basic connectedness and a drive to perhaps go and find people who resonate more with our experiences now."What Dr. Yang is describing is something different."It's a feeling of numbness of indifference like the people who are 'your people' don’t understand you anymore," she continues.
6. Low self-worth
Dr. Goldman says intensely lonely people frequently struggle with low self-worth and feelings of "emptiness or wrongness" in their bodies."This usually includes negative thoughts about self, wanting to feel differently internally than they feel, but feeling different or not good enough," she explains.
8. Difficulty having deeper conversations
The lack of emotional depth can extend to conversations, which may not get past the "small talk" stage."While surface interaction can help some, depth is important," Dr. Smith says. "If there is not something that feels like sufficient depth for the individual, then a sense of deep loneliness can still be present even if interactions are happening."
10. Withdrawing
Drs. Goldman and Schiff agree that the emotional exhaustion from social engagement can lead a person to become more withdrawn (especially if all that work seems like it's for nothing)."Socially withdrawing...is a response to feeling emotionally exhausted and thinking that socializing won't make a difference," Dr. Schiff says. "They think they are better off alone and don't see the point in reaching out to others."
12. Chronic, unexplained depressed feelings
Loneliness can become your default. "You may not recognize that you are lonely anymore, but everything in life might start to feel harder to do and take longer," Dr. Yang says. "You might start having a harder time getting out of bed, or your exercise routine might fall away, and gradually, your mood worsens." All of these feelings can signal depression.
14. Lack of purpose or meaning in life
Connection gives us meaning. "Oftentimes, our most meaningful relationships come from engaging in areas of our life that are most important to us," Dr. Yang explains. "If you’re not sure what your purpose is at the moment, and you’re struggling to find meaning to your life, your relationships are going to reflect that by having a lack of purpose or meaning."Related: Psychologists Are Begging People To Pay Attention to These 11 Early Signs of Loneliness
2. Speak with a friend
Dr. Yang agrees about the importance of speaking with a treatment provider. She also says speaking with someone else, like a partner or trusted friend, can be helpful."The first step in getting help and feeling better is often voicing out loud to someone how we’ve been feeling," she explains. "Sometimes, by speaking our feelings out loud, we get new ideas about solutions. By being vulnerable with someone and sharing some of your feelings, you’re breaking through the barrier of deep loneliness and at least attempting to make a connection."
4. Take a walk and intentionally smile
The smile doesn't even need to be directed at another human—a flower works just fine. Dr. Yang says this approach to working on deep loneliness is highly accessible (most people can walk for five minutes) and low-risk (you can smile at anything)."As you get more comfortable, you can practice making eye contact with strangers and smiling," she explains. "It may take weeks of smiling at nature before you feel ready to smile at people. That’s OK."
5. Find activities of interest that can help you connect with others
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Related: People Who Become Lonelier as They Get Older Usually Display These 10 Subtle Behaviors, Psychologists Say
Sources:
Dr. Hannah Yang, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Balanced AwakeningOur Epidemic of Loneliness. HHS.Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisorDr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with ThriveworksDr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist Read More Details
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