For the first time, dating apps are losing people. The bizarreness of modern dating is perhaps best summarised by a meme I see crop up every now and then: “Us girls will seriously text each other, ‘OK I’m about to meet this guy allegedly named Kyle at this location. Here’s his Facebook profile in case he murders me.’ And they reply, ‘OK girl! Have fun!’”
To be clear, I’m not embarking on a “meninist” defence: I tend to think there is more poor behaviour from men who date than there is from women. But I wonder if the ways in which dating is bad for women have been particularly distorted.
Acquaintances I bumped into would mention, eyes widened with second-hand horror, how my Instagram gave them an insight into how awful modern dating was. Sometimes, this came as a surprise because I was kind of enjoying dating.
Instagram accounts such as @beam_me_up_softboi , to which women send their most unhinged online interactions, are used as a byword for modern dating. We forget they feature profiles which are the exception rather than the rule.I realised that my own screenshotting was partly a defence mechanism. It conveyed that I found dating stupid and was above it. By focusing on screenshotting I could opt out mentally – but in the process I forgoed the chance to swipe past that profile which wasn’t for me, and onto someone I might have been interested in.
That isn’t to reduce the complexity of dating to Mollie-Mae manifesting “you attract what you believe” speak. But no one’s going to bring their best self, when you’re low-key glowering, and acting like you’re expecting the worst.
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Read MoreBut I’ve also found that the more we date, the easier it is to inure ourselves to these difficulties. Especially if we adjust our expectations that dating should be a breeze. An odd superstition that hangs around women, to the extent I used to believe it and still hear it, is that you shouldn’t pursue love – it happens if and when it’s supposed to. And yet, studies show who you form a relationship with is the most important decision you can make for your happiness, your career and everything else. My response to the cliché that “it happens when you least expect it”, is the other cliché: how are you going to meet someone if you stay at home?
Above all, we should put the current dating landscape in context. Previous generations of women married someone from the village, often for reasons other than romance. Now we have far more choice, it’s bound to be trickier.
Indeed, I try to remember that my parents and much of my family have had arranged marriages. Dating’s no walk in the park – but I’d choose it time and time again over the alternative.
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