100 Funny Valentine's Day Quotes
1. “Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.” ― Charles M. Schulz2. "I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV." — Tracy Smith3. "Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone." —Lewis Black4. "To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia." — H. L. Mencken5. "Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is." —Anonymous6. “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns7. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm… easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — Michael Scott, The Office8. “The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” — Faye Morgan9. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” — Henny Youngman10. “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be…well, January.” — Jim Gaffigan
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11. “If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti
13. “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” — Dolly Parton
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16. "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
18. “A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
20. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” — Tim Allen
21. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” — Dax Shepard
23. “If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti
25. "Love is being stupid together." — Paul Valery
27. "Love is a grave mental illness." — Plato
28. "Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
30. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
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32. "Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species." — W. Somerset Maugham
34. "Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." — Jimmy Fallon
35. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” – Melanie White
36. I have no Valentine's date! Anyway, it’s okay, food is love, food is life. 37. "Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood." - Oscar Wilde
39. “In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.” — Pretty Woman
41. "If love is the answer, then could you rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin
42. ”Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love” — Albert Einstein
44. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.” — Cher
46."So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." — King Jaffe Joffer
47. “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.” – Woody Allen
49. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” — Charles Schulz
50.“I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find your glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito
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52. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” — Chelsea Handler
54. "Love is hiding who you are at all times. It's wearing make-up to bed and going downstairs to Burger King to poop." — 30 Rock
56. “Love is blind—marriage is the eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason
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59. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” — Jerry Seinfeld
61. ”Never sign a Valentine with your own name.” — Charles Dickens
63. "The great question which I have not been able to answer… is, 'What does a woman want?' — Freud
65. "Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from." — Nora Ephron
67. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie
69. "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand." — Unknown
71. "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." — Jackie Mason
73. "So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." — King Jaffe Joffer
75. "My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."— Ray Romano
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78. “My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” — Rodney Dangerfield
80. "Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." — Bill Maher
82. "My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays." — Jacques Torres
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85. "Love is a two-way street constantly under construction." — Carroll Bryant
87. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
89. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke
90. “I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” — Dwight Schrute
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92. "Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch." — Cathy Carlyle
94. “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – H. L. Mencken
96. I’d be the first to stomp on your lovely zombie head. Happy Valentine’s Day!
98. “As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.” – Ralphie May
100. "Will you be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question. We're married." — Unknown
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